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Hi everyone. I'm new here and was hoping for some advice. I've recently had a baby with my best friend who is a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober almost 7 years. When we decided to have the baby he was like a posterboy for recovery - he'd done alot of work on himself and seemed to be in a great place. Very spiritually healthy. But since having the baby, he's been showing signs of slipping, I think. He doesn't go to meetings any more, saying that they are horrible places full of some awful people (for the first few months after having the baby he was going to one meeting weekly, but now not at all). I've suggested that he find different meetings, and he thought about it, but he hasn't been to any in a while. He doesn't think meetings are the be-all-end-all of recovery, and that he can work the program by himself by re-doing the steps etc...He also seems to be consumed by a lot of resentment this last year, which he directs at various people, sometimes me, but mainly his family and my family. Previously, he'd worked hard at managing his resentments, but they seem to be getting the better of his lately. He feels like people don't appreciate how far he's come. Since the baby he's gotten badly hooked on coffee - at the moment he's on maybe fourteen strong cups a day. He admits that drinking too much is bad for his mental health but can't seem to stop. It certainly does him no favours, he's already uptight enough, and lately, around once a week, he gets insomnia and is a mess the next day. He's also completely obsessed with his diet, and is showing signs of some sort of eating disorder.
He thinks he's doing OK, but to me, he's becoming more and more unstable lately. He pulls it back now and then and goes back to his old self (or new self, depending on how you want to look at it), but then it's back to the resentment and obsessive behaviour. Lately he's also been talking about his plans to take heroin and crack once he's an old man (he's never tried them, though he does have a history of drug abuse - ecstacy, speed, weed etc). I should also mention that he's on anti-psychotics and he's got adhd and is low on the autism scale. There's a lot going on. He's done remarkably well actually, considering.
I have quite alot of faith in him, so I know he'll do what it takes to sort himself out. But I don't think he's going to like me pointing out that he needs to do work. I think it'll piss him off. He might not even think there's a problem. But I'd be a bad friend and not a great mother if I just sat there with my mouth shut, right? I can't imagine him having a full-on relapse, but if he did, it would probably be the end of him (his drinking was serious high-end drinking - it's a surprise it didn't kill him back then).
So does anyone have any advice? Do you think the stress of the baby is sending him over the edge? She's a very easy baby, and he adores her, but it's a co-parenting thing we're doing, with me having her most of the time, and him having her for a various number of hours per day (ranging from a one hour visit to taking her to his for 3-6 hours). He's unemployed but gets easily stressed if he feels he's losing control over his routine and lifestyle. He also reckons that happiness is the enemy of the recovering alcoholic because you get blase and stop focusing so much on your recovery.....and he wants another bloody baby by the way.
Anyway, sorry about the lengthiness. I'd sure appreciate some input. I'm getting worried. And a little resentful myself, which is awful. Thanks for reading. Amanda.
You will hear more as others check in. First of all, welcome to MIP.
It sounds to me like your friend is slipping and I would be concerned about the well being of your baby while in his care. Whether or not you need to say anything is up to you, I don't know your situation well enough. Having said that, he knows what is going on within him and he has to tools for his recovery....whether you point it out or not will not any difference as to the quality of his choices. If you aren't already attending al anon meetings, I would get to them asap. You have a precious little life in your care that you may need to make some difficult choices for very soon and you will need much support in making clear decisions for the well being of you and the little one. Post here as often as you would like, we are here for you!
When my husband was in treatment, one thing I heard in a family meeting that was golden for me. We will either be in recovery or relapse. It sounds like your friend is relapsing.
Thanks for the reply and welcome, Paula. I trust him with the baby. If he started drinking, it wouldn't be sneaky sips here and there throughout the day, it would be a total meltdown where he would stay in his flat, alone, drinking until he passed out and wet the bed, and so on, day after day. So I'm not worried about him getting a little drunk while in care of the baby. Though his anger issues have concerned me in the past re his roadrage and temper (though he is not and never has been a violent person) but this isn't an issue now. And I worry all the caffeine is driving him mental. Literally, mental. He gets paranoid .... and only just the other day he was making fun of a fellow addict for swapping one addiction for another.
I've looked up al-anon meetings in my area and I'm going to get to one asap. Been umming and ahhing about it for a while. I think it's time.
I am glad you're here and glad you are attending Al-Anon meetings.
A person I knew drank heavily, smoked heavily and then stopped both and gained weight. They put themselves on a fruit and nut diet and started reading the Bible by themselves daily. Within a few months of the new diet and "getting religion," they ended up taking off in their car and being gone for 3 weeks when they were found starving to death in a parking lot in a State they had never been to that was almost 2,000 miles from their home with a gun in their car. Something they had never wanted or ever talked about. They were admitted to a mental health facility where it was discovered they were now suffering from schizophrenia. The person was 40 years old at the time and had never had any mental health issues that anyone could detect. The doctors feared that had this person stayed with the family, he could have harmed his youngest child because of what was considered to be a closeness that could be turned on its head by his disease.
I'm not trying to diagnose anything but I do see similarities here that would make me cautious when leaving my child alone with him right now. You have red flags that are troubling to you. I think it is very wise of you to pay attention to them.
I'd guess your instincts are pretty sharp. My AH started drinking again, after some dry time, when our baby was young. Babies are stressful, however overjoyed the family is. Taking care of them is demanding, tiring, and not always fun, even to the most loving of parents. My A couldn't hack it. He started making bad little decisions he tried to cope by eating more, dabbling in casinos, etc. All the things that suggested that he was feeling the strain and not using the healthy tools to cope with it.
It sounds right that your A will go from 0-100 straight off if he begins drinking again. Mine did. Left him with the baby in the morning: he had not drunk for many months. Came back in the evening: he had passed out. I won't go into the details, but it was a miracle that the baby had not been harmed, considering the risky things he did between morning and evening. I escaped a great tragedy by a hair.
This is to say that it might be better for his stress level, for your well-being, and for your baby's safety, if you found an alternate source of childcare. If he starts to drink again, you will need to have something in place. If he does not, it will take strain off both of you. I personally hanker for the traditional days of the human race (in pre-hsistory up through the 1800s), when families were surrounded by extended family and close neighbors, and babies were cared for and loved by a wide circle of close people. That's much more sane than this system where it's down to 2 people, 24/7, who also have to have at least one job and many other responsibilities. It may be time to widen your circle of carers. I hope you'll get a lot of support for yourself too. That will be wonderful whatever the future holds.
All I can say is having a new baby is hard on everyone. The lack of sleep made me very grumpy. I walked around like a zombie. The too much coffee sounds like someone is not sleeping.
I think it is good for each of you to get some time out. It was like this for the first year.
Life is will bring its set of stresses. I am learning to feel the emotions and work through them.
A lot of anger he needs to address and figure out a healthy way to get rid of it. Sometimes we don't get what we want from people and sadly that is life. I had anger for a long long time. I said prayers at night praying for everything I wanted for all the people I was mad at. I did this every night. Finally the anger fades and I was able to address the next set of emotions to deal with.
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
Thing is, we do get time out. The baby sleeps solidly every night, and even if she didn't, it wouldn't affect him, because I'm the one who has her in the nights. He has her in the afternoon, sometimes the whole afternoon, but sometimes just a couple of hours. He has the rest of the time to do his things, but even so, he's moaning about how he hasn't got the time to do anything, and being an alcoholic, his moans aren't just your every day moans, they're oozing with barely-concealed resentment....also, I should mention that we have his parents and my family to help out, and they help out alot (though the main help, his mum, has been away on holiday for the past two weeks, which has been hard). He is someone who has been used to living his life exactly how he wants it and is a control freak over all aspects of his life. But he's been losing that control recently, in some respects.
Another worrying thing is, he's been talking lately about his friends, who 'have the odd bit of speed now and again,' with no problems. He goes on to say that his real problem was with alcohol, not drugs .... almost as if he's trying to give himself permission.
My gut instinct tells me that he isn't at danger of harming the baby, just himself. Though ultimately, that would still affect the baby.
That is so true, Amanda. "...he isn't at danger of harming the baby, just himself. Though ultimately, that would still affect the baby." An altered brain on drugs is capable of anything. We don't get to predict what it will do. That is something over which we have no control, too. I also agree that it sounds as if his disease is giving him permission to use drugs and maybe he already is using them?
You know what? After what some of you have said and after a talk with my mum, I decided to have a look through all the text conversations between me and A...and I've noticed that he always has his sleepless night on a Sunday.....clockwork.....he is always very insistent about having Sundays to himself, so he has the daughter early and brings her back to me around noon. And on these Sunday nights I get really long texts from him, which is unusual for him......and on the Monday he is paranoid and quiet, which he blames on the lack of sleep.....shit. Am I putting 2 and 2 together and getting a million? It's been like this for the last couple of months. Smells like a weekly speed treat, doesn't it?
My AW slipped last year after being sober for about three months. She had all the warning signs, yet I ignored them. Even once it was clear she was back active I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't yet have Al Anon.
You are evidence gathering. In my life, once I started that, I slipped quickly into crazy-making - where is she, is she upstairs for a moment unaccounted for, is there a bottle, etc? That kind of crazy-making made it so I didn't have enough brainpower left to do rational things such as reason out that she was again sick, and that I needed to do something about it for me and my son rather than react to what she was doing and just yell a lot at her about it.
I hope you can find a meeting ASAP. And keep coming back here.
Yes, I guess I am evidence gathering. But I'm not going to yell lots at him. I know too much about alcoholism to be reactionary. The next available meeting near me is next Tuesday, and I'm definitely going. If he is doing what I think he's doing, I'm surprised tbh. Though I probably shouldn't be.
