The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He says I'm smothering him. I don't feel like I am. He claims I am following him, texting too much, calling, and constantly watching him. I have been struggling NOT to do these things. I wait all day long and force myself Not to text or call. I know better than to go to bars it's no use. I haven't done that in 30 years. He thinks I wait for him to go to bed even. How unreasonable? I have not been doing these things. I think he is looking for justification as to why he's gone again drinking.
Our adult son confronted him yesterday. He has been reeling with anger since. I wish he had not done that but he did now my AH is taking his anger out on me. I feel like this has forced him to face his drinking and other woman. Now what? Is this the end of our marriage because he is backed into a corner?
I went to a meeting tonight because I needed to focus on myself. when I got out he had left me a nasty text. When I got home I read the note he left saying I'm smothering him. Trying to detach. Not smothering. Trying to stay out of his space. Can't help it if I am so worried about my life ending.
Ellen: I'm glad you went to a meeting tonight so that you could focus on yourself. I'm also glad your son said what he needed to say to his Dad. Sometimes, our kids can be heard better than we can be heard. As far as your spouse taking his anger out on you - that comes as no surprise. The disease is fear based and shame based. Anger, accusations and self-pity seem to go hand in hand with it. Detaching is a very wise decision for you. There are readings on detachments listed at the back of our readers that might be helpful to you? Is there something else you might be able to do tonight just for you that might raise your spirits a little? Talking with a friend? Making or selecting a card for someone you know is going through a hard time? Trying a new recipe that sounds like it might taste good to you? Making a movie date with your son? The Serenity Prayer?
I agree cause for me meetings are great and so is the literature. Going into the indexes of our daily readers and pulling out the pages on the subjects I need to read up on really was good learning never forgotten. Realization is that this family disease has got your family...It is doing its destruction as usual. It is doing that to millions right now and it will not let up however you can get out from under its power, control and manipulations. No need trying to explain or inventory what "the alcoholic" is saying and doing cause that doesn't matter now...you matter now. Spending as much time focused on yourself that you have been spending on him and the disease is what "Fair, Honest and Just" was and is all about for me. Over investing in the alcoholic is a bad bad bad investment...all about losses. Keep coming back. Oh and a sponsor would be very helpful. (((((hugs)))))
I know I need a sponsor but I don't know how to get one? I asked at face to face meeting but was told too soon. I'm drowning and I need a life preserver.
He didn't come home at all last night. Don't know if I pushed him into her arms. I'm crazy with worry. I want my life back!! I want my husband by my side!! I want sanity!!
You don't have the power to control what your husband does or does not do....step one is accepting our powerlessness. You did not cause, you cannot control, you cannot cure.
It is the perfect time to get a sponsor. For me, I listened and watched in meetings to see who I might like to have a sponsor, then I asked her following a meeting. She asked for some time to consider my request. After a few days she accepted my request.
You have the options of attending the online meetings here,too. There is also a step board where you can read and respond to posts that pertain to the 12 steps. Keep yourself soaked in al anon and try to keep your mind off of your husband. Your life is dependent on your actions, don't let your husbands actions take you into despair. He is sick and a very broken life preserver for you. You will drown using him as a lifesaver. Post here as often as you need to. There is always someone listening and holding you in a safe, sacred place.
You can help your worrying. You candetach. Focus on your iown life thoughts actions. His is typical boring predictable alcoholic behaviour. No big mystery. Now you and your own thoughts much more interesting. Look at you. Make the changes needed within you.x
Thank you Paula and el cee, I plan to go to another meeting this morning. I've been trying to go daily. It is my only plan that makes sense to me right now Until I can manage.
What is detaching really? Letting go? That is what I am trying to do. He says I'm smothering. I think that is his interpretation. I am backing off. My daily life is not revolving around him although my mind is still on his behaviors. I keep saying the 3 C's over and over: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it. One day soon I'll truly believe it.
Your plan is a smart one. Eventually you will come to understand your questions...it takes time. I still have the same questions from time to time depending on the situation. Each day, do the next right thing for you and you will find what he says, does, doesn't say or doesn't do will really matter less and less. Then you will notice the same with other people in your life. It doesn't mean you won't have the same conflicts, tensions within yourself, they will lessen and you will recognize them as really not serving your health and well being. Progress not perfection....this forum provides a safe, soft place to land when we crash (not if we crash, when) You are doing fine, Ellen.
My husband said much the same to me in the past. First he fed me the line about a possible affair, then with worry snapping at my heels because I needed a bit of reassurance that we were ok, he told me to back off, that I was being too demanding. It is such typical A behaviour it is laughable with hindsight but boy, did it make it hard for me to take my focus off him. Eventually I did back off, a lot, and I started to focus on more positive things in my life, and life got better. Chin up, be proud of you, I love that you are going to meetings daily when you can. You deserve respect.
Part of detachment is knowing that he will try to manipulate you and not reacting to it. And trusting yourself. If you think you aren't smothering him, and he says you are, you don't have to react to it. You don't have to attend every fight you are invited to, and it sounds like he is trying to invite you, pushing your buttons like that.
Another part of detaching could be blocking his texts and phone calls. A simple call to your wireless carrier can take care of that.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I haven't heard of members telling another member it's too soon to ask for a sponsor. Keep listening to members shares and find someone who has gone through all the steps and who is willing to sponsor. The first person I asked said they couldn't, the second person said ok. I am glad it worked out that way. The first person wouldn't have been the right one for me anyway. Don't give up hope.
I do think that if we've just entered an F2F meeting and have only been there a short time, someone might say it is too soon? It is suggested that members wait awhile and pay attention to whose speaking. If there is someone who seems to have what they'd like because they truly are working the program, then that might be the person to ask to sponsor us? I wouldn't respond with a yes to sponsoring somebody brand new to the program. I also need time to consider whether or not the person wanting a sponsor is someone I'd want to sponsor.
Hope is all I have right now thank you newgirl. I am trying to back away and do my things that make me happy. I cooked dinner and I'm pretty proud that it turned out so good. If he eats it is up to him. Now concentrating on small things. The night will pass and tomorrow will come. I'm still here.
All that rubbish is typical A behaviour. I learnt to focus on myself and my needs. Glad you are proud of your cooking coming out well!
My AH used to do a tedious game around meals, I would cook, call him that the meal was ready, he would delay coming to the table, I would keep calling him and got involved in keeping his meal hot in the oven and other such tedious nonsense.
One day I changed it all. Called him ONCE. Put the meal on the table, ate and enjoyed mine hot. He eventually showed up to find his cold meal on the table, mine eaten and I was off somewhere doing my own thing.
He didn't bother with his tedious game again! Detaching works.
It is no wonder you are feeling the way you are and doing what you are doing. A's will slowly drive us insane if we let them. The best defense is a good offence.meaning focus on you and the A behaviour won't affect you as much. I am working on the same sort of stuff. SunshineGirl had some great advice.
