The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, this morning I went to say goodbye to my AH when I left for work (he goes in later than I do), and he seemed really confused and out of it. I tried not to, but my brain immediately went on 'Has he been drinking?' alert. Went to work, sent him a text an hour or so later about an appointment with someone to take a look at our kitchen for remodeling. He calls me back, says he overslept. He's slurring, repeating himself, and not all together with it. I ask him if he's hung over, or if he had one too many last night, he says no, that his sleep habit it out of whack. He asks if he can be there for the kitchen appointment, and I tell him when and where, and he says, 'Oh, well, I don't really have any time at work.' Then silence. As if I should fix that. Like, I should reschedule to a time that's better for him (which would be when, exactly, since he has no time off anyway?). I'm sorry, whose fault is it that he has no time to take off of work? Whose fault is it that he's going in late today? How is any of this my problem?
I tried really hard not to let this get to me, and I keep asking myself what I should do. I'm pretty sure the answer is 'nothing'. I have my own things that I have to take care of. I have a business trip next week I need to prepare for, I'm taking a half-day tomorrow to handle a few appointments before said business trip (including kitchen). I got my own s**t to deal with.
I just hate that something so small sends me straight into this state of mind. I hate that certain actions/things he does trigger me. I hate the word 'trigger'. I hate that it's entirely possible that he wasn't drinking, and I might be over-reacting. Bah.
I'm glad I'm taking some time for myself tomorrow to get my hair done and all that. He'll probably call me around lunch time. I'll just have to wait and see how he is. Back to this crap after a really nice weekend to. Bollocks.
I remember the many times my son's girlfriend asked if my son would let the repair man in to fix something or the landlord to repair something. Many times he couldn't even hear the knocking because he was so out of it. His girlfriend even put notes on the door to knock loudly.......didn't work. All of us learn to do it ourselves if we wanted anything done.
It's not easy to let go and do it yourself but until something changes nothing changes.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I'm very aware of triggers. AW has been sober over 8 months, and it's amazing that I can react to one little slur in her speech, or her tripping on something within milliseconds.
I think you are right, the answer is 'nothing'. and you are showing some good detachment there. Hopefully when you talk about the kitchen you can get distracted from worrying about him.
I remember those phone calls well. My AH would sometimes blame it on his insomnia when he would drink. When they sound like this, I call it word salad. I called home to speak to him when he was watching the kids and he was out of it...drunk and speaking word salad one too many times. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I decided to move out soon after that.
I would do what you need to do. My sponsor gave me some great advice before I moved out. Act like you are living alone. I did that, and soon came to realize it was as if I didn't have a partner.
