I have learned a lot since coming to Al-anon and one was never to repeat again anything that has been said many times before. I now can stop, check my motives before I say a thing. Most of the time it comes down to my signature below.

(((( hugs ))))

My A is illiterate. So that means, we can never exchange texts or emails, it comes down to, when he is drunk enough he comes into my room to "talk".
Talk consists of him using his yukky "rah rah rah" voice and saying stupid, stupid racist, sexist, peopleist things. The he starts to moan and accuse me, "you don't love me"."It's obvious, you don't love me".
He is quite certain that he isn't a drunk either because

-he doesn't get drunk.

-he has a super-high tolerance and can drink an entire distillery full of whisky and brewery full of beer and never get drunk.

-he wasn't drunk.

If he could send me texts I think I would ignore them. They would be as important and make as much sense as the stupid thoughtless rubbish he spews out as words when he is drinking.

I believe the disease wants you to answer and either way is will be an excuse to drink. Responding that it's about alcohol and he can make it better with recovery will lead to an argument and then drinking. Saying it can't get better will lead to self pity and then drinking. Maybe when he's sober he can handle hearing "I respect and love you but do not respect and love your alcoholism" But you have to walk away if that becomes a silly debate or tirade.

There's no point to talking or responding to somebody who is drinking in my experience. A lot of the time, the As in my life don't even remember they said anything or what I said. It's like talking to the wind for me. I won't respond to a text from somebody in the same home with me either. I prefer person to person when it really is person to person. An active A to me is not a person talking but a disease that doesn't need my attention and won't get it most of the time. It's a waste of my energy.

 

Wow this hit me right in the middle of the compassion room...for both of you.  I find my self in the position of standing away and looking in at the whole thing.  The disease is affecting you both...He is concerned and so are you...You are frightened and so is he.  It wasn't your husband that sent the text...it was your alcoholic and you would rather speak with your husband and not your alcoholic.  You have your reasons and justifications and he does also what is the problem??...alcoholism which affects you, his wife more than he thinks it affects him your alcoholic, husband.  He says he doesn't have a drinking problem and won't be and isn't willing to actually check it out and with that I would say that he has lost the respect and is carrying resentments also.   You are the one that is and has been learning about alcoholism from a great deal of people/family who have been and are affected themselves.  Our experiences are yours and so it is pretty convincing that it is what you as a family are dealing with.

Using texting to communicate when you are both in the same house may be a way of staying connected and it also a way of showing ongoing concern about "the problem",  He sent the text and is concerned as you are.  I relate to your "when in doubt don't" justification to not respond now and to lean toward "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean"...you are working it and it will work for you as long as your motives are right as you say.

Remember this is not a "moral issue"...this is about disease and dysfunction caused by alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholism...abuse....addiction the whole deal.   You're growing and he is not.  Sad cause you are getting healthier and he is getting sicker...hit me in my compassion room and I feel sad...thousands of miles away and yet standing right there with you both.    Like others in this family I want to scream.

The last justification "Everyone has their poison" was a statement I use to use...I am chemically tolerant as Mellie's alcoholic is and I am alcoholic and the chemical is a mind and mood and physically altering chemical...it is a poison and that is why another word for drunk is intoxicated.   He knows and still drinks.  The alcohol owns him and not the other way around.  Somedays it might be just as important to him to drink as it would be to breathe.

Prayers for you both  (((((hugs))))) for you both and your ((((daughter)))) who is being affect also.   In support. 

-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 24th of July 2014 08:35:57 PM

I would say of course i respect you, love you, do not resent you.

I disrespect the person that drinks, says and does inappropriate things.

 

Same here, Luiza.

I don't respond to an A when they are drinking either. My AW wouldn't remember the next morning some horrible fights that we had, and she certainly seemed to have a lot of ownership of the fight when we were in the middle of it!

Talking to an A about their reasons for drinking is a waste of my energy also, so I stopped doing it. They have lots of reasons - but the real reason is because they are sick and they want to drink. End of story. Has nothing to do with my mood, their mood, our children's grades, phase of the moon, the gas bill got a late payment penalty on it, he has no friends, she has too many friends, etc etc. Keep focusing on you, and after awhile it won't matter to you "why" he drinks, and if he feels the need to explain it, he can talk to himself about it.

Kenny