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So I have worked most of this stuff out I think .. LOL .. however I did want to share some of my own growth this past week.
First off, I'm dealing with the dang truck AGAIN! My STBAX actually paid 2 of the 3 tickets .. considering that they were on MY personal credit report and his motto is just don't pay this is a big deal. Well, the 3rd ticket he's trying to tell me it has to be paid a different way .. NOOOO it doesn't and thankfully I was smart enough to call the City directly last week as this started and ask them so what is the deal. I was working hard on not enabling and asked my sponsor even if I had and she reassured me that no I wasn't. Well, I laughed and said OK .. just checking. Sometimes it's hard to tell. Now .. I sent him the ticket number and that yes, it needs to be paid at the City. I didn't get in to it. I decided that I would address it when I had more information so that's when I called the City directly. LOL. I'm so glad I now listen to my intuition that's very important. I spoke to my contact there and she told me that the while he paid the other tickets he had not paid the biggest one .. DUH.
Today when STBAX picked the kids up he handed my daughter the receipts and she was giving them to me. I followed them out and spoke to him roughly .. I'm in no mood for further shenanigans from him. He's burnt his bridge with me and until I see consistency in behavior I just don't have time. Anyway, I said there is one more ticket it needs to be paid at the city .. he then tried to argue with me and said it had to be paid at the court house .. NOOOO .. (is what I'm thinking) so I cut him off and said .. I have already called the City to verify payment, when I spoke to the lady there (I gave her name) all he has to do is pay the ticket. Since he has so many questions it would probably be best to speak with her. UGH.
He takes the kids for visitation 9am .. guess who was home before 130pm .. UGH .. now in all fairness my daughter called and asked if they could come home. Considering he bought her a laptop at the beginning of visitation and my son a ton of video games .. UGH .. do you really think they wanted to stay and "visit". I then found out that he was gambling the video gambling while the kids waited for the their lunch. It is legal as long as it's separate from the food area or at the bar as kids can't sit at the bar .. however SERIOUSLY!? This is how he spends time with the kids .. well whatever .. it's not my issue.
I was a smart ass when he came back with the kids. Pretty much asked so tomorrow do you think you can handle more than 3 hours? LOL? No I wasn't nice and I was definitely in HALT. UGH. At the same time STOP making excuses and then I had to laugh I thought of something Pink said to me about flinging poo .. and trying to get the stench off of himself so he can say he no longer smells bad. Boy does he come across as reasonable when he wants to .. LOL .. I laughed because I know the truth and he is STILL telling lies. I am very interested in watching his latest flame. She is a ringer and I do mean ringer for me. SOOOO MUCH SO .. I went and got a totally different do .. for those who don't know me off MIP .. my hair is about 8-10 inches shorter now and it's a whole other color for me. I LOVE IT!! That did feel good. To get that done so my day on my own was sooo nice. The back is far shorter now than the front.
So I probably looked like the unreasonable one however based upon the week I had which wasn't bad at all, just stressful in some parts I was working full time and my son was at camp, it's hard to be away from the kids at times. Anyway, .. based upon what I have endured the past 3 years my attitude is right where it should be .. I don't hate him .. I don't like him .. he is like an irritating fly that just won't go away and I want to rest .. LOL. The one buzzing in my ear. So I was able to say STOP in more ways than just one and I was VERY clear .. YOU are the dad YOU deal with the kids and you are telling me you are such a LOSER that you can't handle them for 9 hours and I do that in a day on ANY given day. Now NONE Of that I said .. however that was TOTALLY going through my mind .. LOL! I DID say .. maybe tomorrow you can figure something else out .. the kids already told me that they didn't want to see a movie. I told them it will mean a short visitation.
Anyway, I am really doing ok. I am right where I need to be and I am also trying to figure things out in terms of what is going on for me. What is my own unacceptable behavior. What I will and won't tolerate. What the kids really need to understand about visitation and their dad .. they have to figure it out. I'm not asking them to spend the night .. I'm asking them to do the time they are scheduled. I need to take care of my own happiness.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Good to meet you in face and words, Serenity. Nice picture of you. It doesn't matter if you look unreasonable or not. What matters is that you are saying "No," I'm not going to be manipulated. "No," I'm not your patsy. "No," you are their father and not an occasional babysitter. And "Yes," I'm going to check out the facts when I'm in doubt. "Yes," I want and need time for myself. "Yes," I'm going to set boundaries with the kids when they are visiting with you, too.
Good for you for being strong. I wanted to share about my AH tickets. He has had many many tickets. Most of them are never paid on time or not paid at all. He went to jail one time for the day because he didn't pay a very old speeding ticket. His license has been suspended a few times. His bank account was levied by the state for nonpayment of a car registration. Pure chaos over the years. I got to the point where I ignored the tickets. He ends up paying a higher price in the end. If your AH gets these tickets in his name he is responsible for them, not you. They will figure out how to get their money. Don't worry about it. I know it's hard.
Thanks all :) I love, love, love my hair!! You can't tell from this picture those are blonde highlights LOVE them!! It looks sooo nice!!
I have had time to reflect and was going to tell on myself further .. LOL .. I decided I really wasn't nice at all to my STBAX .. there were some other things I said about the car he's driving as he's not the registered owner .. I am EXTREMELY curious to see if he has the nerve to pull up in it today. I REALLY called him out on it. Mostly I wasn't nice because I was irritated because he brought the kids home under sheer manipulation of that paragraph that the kids have the right to end visitation as they see fit.
What REALLY pissed me off was the fact he brought up the kids being home alone. Well they aren't home alone during the weekend UNLESS it's his weekend and he shorts them time. That is MY time. So I lost my already faltering temper. The kids now know .. I don't care if they come home .. however .. I'm not going to listen to their dad blame them, or me. I'm also not going to be told by my munchkins they are hungry or bored at home when that was not part of my daily agenda. I have these kids 98% or more of the month. He can't take them the less than 2% of the time.
Anyway, I'm going to remain calm the next time around and I'm sure there will be a next time although I'm going to be very clear with him about things. He's using the paragraph about the kids coming home and manipulating the situation. SO NOT HAPPENING .. he can manipulate all he wants he's going to get met by some unhappy consequences of those choices. Obviously he's not interested in having visitation with the kids. They get what they want at this point so that's a good thing.
My son did tell me a funny story out of the blue while we were at church. So my STBAX has had a prepaid phone that he was desperate to get me on .. I do not take financial advice from him .. lol. Anyway, STBAX sent out this big text about the new phone, number and his new plan he has .. group mail whatever .. LOL. So I didn't respond that's when the stuff about the tickets started last week. Well my son says oh mom .. Dad got a new Galaxy 4 with Verizon .. didn't know about that part .. however I rolled when he says .. yah .. and it already has a crack in it. Helloooo two year contract with a cracked phone .. NICE! LMAO .. I know mean on my part .. however COMPLETELY par for the course with him.
I did ask .. did your dad not have a case? Son says yeah he mumbled something about dropping it and I thought to myself ummm .. more like THROWING it I'm sure across the room. He lost another phone like that as well. LOL!!
Ironic stuff and until he does right by the kids and myself this kind of thing will continue to happen. It just is what it is to say the least.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I do hope he gets his act together just a little bit. Don't know if that's possible due to him still using/drinking and being enabled by his mom. Being honest, I do hear lots of ongoing resentment towards him and all of it is justifiable but it's still resentment.
I hear some resentment that the kids don't really have a father or another parent and that they have another teenager-like person that they have to see and call their father which is a raw deal for them and you.
I hear some resentment that you now know you never had the support, teamwork, and maturity from him that would exist in an ideal relationship/marriage/family with kids and it's just become clearer and clearer how much you've done all of this on your own while simultaneously getting no kudos from him, but actually infidelity and other unacceptable BS. True forgiveness may take years and lots more detachment.
I hear resentment that may largely be due to the fact that this divorce is taking entirely too long and should have been done a long time ago but it has been stalled for many reasons...That is stopping you from detaching somewhat.
So.....I also am reading that STBAX acts vindictively, spitefully, and irresponsibly. It's a pretty monumental task to try and co-parent (even if its 98 to 2 percent split) with someone who exhibits those qualities. Metaphorically the question is this: How do you emerge from interacting with a filthy pig without also coming out dirty and smelly? Most of the time I see you very much taking the high road, but I do see him dragging you down into the mud sometimes despite your best efforts to remain clean (metaphorically speaking).
Mostly, I see some resentment because it's at least somewhat soul sucking to have to have regular dealings and connectedness with someone you really would be better off not being connected to at all.
I don't have the specific ESH to share on how to get through it as I've been able to walk away from all my exes and just cut my losses (no kids - no legal marriage). I do objectively notice that STBAX can turn you bitter and he irritates the crap out of you. The analogy you made to a mosquito buzzing around you was an apt one. BUT - look at where that puts you: A person who is swatting around being bothered by a mosquito all the time. That sucks and you shouldn't have to live like that.
So I guess I just want to say I'm rooting for you, support you, and hope you can do whatever it takes and find spiritual solutions to move to a better state of being with all this. I think you would like to move on more but are sorta stuck for some reason outside yourself and some that maybe that you can work on....not sure but it's your job I guess to figure that stuff out and that is where your program probably needs to be directed right now.
Paula I LOVE your paintings .. I really want to start painting as I feel like it's a creative outlet I haven't tapped into yet. I'm not creative like that .. however I think just as exercising that part of me (and my mind) regardless of what I really think is a good thing. Truly I AM happy .. happier than I have ever been in my life .. that is saying something amazing as I was pretty miserable until a short time ago.
You would seriously think that after 2 1/2 years he would just leave me alone. Do what he needs to do and just figure short term pain for long term gain .. obviously he wants to stay engaged .. I don't even bother telling him anymore that I'm going to do this or that I haven't for a LONG time. I just take action and when he looks stupid at me go .. really?
I have had people suggest and legally I can do this .. I go and take the truck battery out of the car .. I could stand there with the police and do that .. it is ONLY because of Alanon I have refrained from acting out in any dark fantasy ways. So every time he says I'm vindictive .. I laugh and think OMGOSH .. if you ONLY KNEW what I could legally do while you sat looking stupid and I'm vindictive ... he should be thanking his stars for the fact that I'm in Alanon .. LOL!!!! Yet this is the man who goes out of his way to do things that are awful to the kids and I when he thinks no one is looking. I just shake my head and think .. filing into the documentation file and when it counts it will come up in court. He doesn't get it.
Whatever .. not my issue and if it need be I can bring it up in court. I'm currently looking at 6k in contempt for non payment of support. He's going to try and bring up what he's spent on the kids and the judge is going to come unglued big time.
Anyway, it's all good in the hood as the saying goes.
I just keep trying to focus on the next right thing to do .. not the next right thing I'd like to do .. His will not mine be done.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Also...from years ago I remember how all this went down...He did have you and the kids leaving in fear for a very long time and then even after the split (requiring an order of protection). Your daughter has treatment for anxiety because of that even but not sure if you've had time or ability to get much treatment for it for yourself as you've had to be the responsible parent all a long and may not have been able to nurture that side of you that was hurt and wronged so badly. I guess I am saying I can see a lot of stuff going on deep down and this may not be the place to dig super deep but I do validate that there are scars and it hurts bad and that's some of what's behind your interactions with him also.
YES you are absolutely RIGHT .. I DO feel resentful about a LOT of things you have mentioned and honestly .. LOL .. I'm better than I was .. I probably do come across as bitter from time to time .. sometimes it's hard to convey what I feel across the nuances of the internet .. kind of like texting .. LOL .. nothing like misreading a text and making it something it's not .. in this case you are RIGHT .. I DO feel resentful and I think a LOT of that will ease once the divorce is finalized.
Until the divorce is finalized .. my life is on hold .. I really can't move forward with the kids, job, or anything until the divorce is done.
Recently at church I have really been praying hard for God to change me and help me keep an open mind towards those changes. When I am ready I KNOW those changes will happen .. I guess I'm not ready yet .. LOL. I am looking at an amazing transformation when this comes to a finalization. I really am there will be such a sense of relief it will be stupid, euphoria big time. I mean it will be a mix of emotions the biggest one knowing he can no longer screw with me on the level he is now and even if he does .. it won't matter .. the kids and I will be LONG GONE!
I kind of feel like the divorce is quick sand and I'm stuck and I get a little panicky and I struggle .. instead of remembering the divorce is like that weed stuff in the Harry Potter books the first one where instead of struggling I just need to let go and relax .. I will pass through it and there is really nothing to be afraid of, as long as I don't struggle. This is part of my hard headedness .. I want to take control and find the rope to pull me out of the quick sand .. I wish I could remember the name of that weed that was in the book .. it eludes me at the moment. LOL!
There will be a LOT resolved and I have to remember I won't be married forever .. I know if I don't keep hard boundaries right now he's just going to try and run the show while walking all over myself and if I let the kids they will too. After yesterday I really get it. I once again explained to them this was a one time deal and they get it .. the capper was though when I found out that they were at a pizza place ordering. While waiting for the food he decides he's going to play video poker at the bar. REALLY?! Those are the things I can't control. I KNOW this .. I still want to and that is YEARS of controlling, managing and fixing everything .. it's still hard to let go and just let things be .. seriously do NOT come into MY house (the parking lot is MY house .. LOL) and TELL me how the kids are always alone .. FU walking .. keep on going .. I'm NOT going to hear ANYTHING about MY parenting from the man who walked out for 8 months and never looked back because he was to busy getting drunk, laid and so on ... that is what he wants to do .. totally ok with that part of the deal .. however do NOT come near me and say ANYTHING negative.
I'm ready for step 4 big time and I'm working on it .. I feel good where I am at and I REALLY want to let go of the resentment .. the resentments are just the residual gunk/slime from the divorce NOT being finished and these delays that are like SERIOUSLY God .. you better have something good going on for the kids and I .. this is just beyond crazy stupid. LOL! I'm trying here however You need to work with me a little .. LOL!! My oldest is a teen and just based upon that fact will manipulate .. she's a GREAT kid I do not mean this in a bad way .. she's being a kid and she sees a way to get what she wants and she's going to take it. Hey .. I'm an adult .. I'm not stupid .. I do the same thing. If I really want to get honest about it .. I'm an opportunist in these situations vs manipulator and there is a difference. Same kid that tried to do the I went to mom and she said no so she went to dad and he said yes .. she went with dad's answer and got a rude awakening when she realized she had to deal with me. She's smarter than the average bear .. I'm telling you I'm so screwed if her and her brother ever team up together against me. LOL.
Maybe that's really the key right there is me completing my step 4 and 5? Once I do that the doors will just quickly open .. RIGHT THERE is HUGE .. so now I know I have something to work on right there .. step 4, 5 and getting it done.
THANK YOU PINK .. you really gave me something to work on and leave everything else alone :)
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity its good to see you! We could be sisters, same dark hair and high cheekbones. I'm so sorry that after all this time you are still stuck having to deal with him and not able to move onto being exes. I perceive that to be the problems, in his mind - that he still thinks of you as his wife, divorcing him wife, but still his wife so he's still battling you for the win. Once you are divorced, you won't be someone he has to battle - at least that is the way it has gone with my ex, or maybe it was me refusing to battle him once we were finally divorced. But I didn't have kids with him (thank goodness) and you will have to deal with him regarding them until they are grown up, sorry.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Yes, I have been dealing with the trauma factor .. however it's deeper than that because it's the whole trust issue .. he's not truth worthy and won't be until he finds TRUE recovery and obviously if he's still blaming everyone else .. there is no personal responsibility. The kids and I are NOT responsible for that at all. So all I can do is try and learn how to navigate differently with people I don't trust. I have permission NOT to trust untrustworthy people .. that I didn't know all of this time that has been a blessing to give myself permission not to trust him. Learning how to communicate with an untrustworthy person appropriately .. THAT is going to be navigation .. you are right this goes deeper because I'm looking at big childhood issues for me .. you know the EMDR has REALLY helped .. LOL .. how screwed up can I be that I'm better than I was .. LOL?
I'm grateful and I do MEAN SOOOO grateful for the boards here and my groups. I love being able to go to my meetings. I usually talk .. LOL .. maybe I need to listen more.
Anyway, as a whole the kids and I are doing sooo much better at this point. I'm sooo glad and I have been blessed I think about ALL of the counseling the kids and I have received and you realize that I haven't had to pay for any of it. It's all through EAP which has been a HUGE blessing.
Now something that is interesting is that I'm now in a place where I'm feeling my own anxiety and believe it or not that is progress because for years while in the marriage I didn't even know I was experiencing anxiety. So now that I can actually name it .. that is a big deal. I'm moving through it not being stuck in it .. at least I know it's there because everything I do mean everything was internalized. Crazy stuff!!! THAT will make a person crazy quickly .. not dealing with those core emotions. I'm still just now learning to experience guilt and shame. Go figure on that part of the deal .. I guess because I have the support I need .. that's what matters most.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
LOL .. LMH .. I hope you aren't dating my STBAX!! :P
He definitely is angry that I'm taking HIS money. Wait until that becomes more .. LOL .. I have already informed my atty's office that I'm NOT going to be in the room with him during negotiation .. it won't be good he will refuse to cooperate .. AND I'm not going to be party to his abusive behavior the last time we were in court you could hear the screaming at his atty. My old atty looked at me and said WOW .. that's one angry man .. I laughed and said yes, .. and you wonder why I didn't want to talk to him about money?
As long as that comes out automatically at least I don't have to worry about that part of the deal.
I don't even care he views me as his wife .. it's more that he views me as a possession, something he can control and inconvenience and that's just not going to happen. I think that is my own bull headedness .. my best friend has said to me in the past .. I have never met a person in my life who is as hard headed, stubborn and just refuses to budge on specific issues as you .. it has served you well in specific situations .. you may want to rethink how that works in everyday life .. LOL .. trust me she has a point. I go back to I'm better than I was. In this case that has served me well because I just go on lock down and eventually he does something stupid and is sent a reality check that it is NOT ok. Once I am there though .. it's just best to leave me there and let me workout my own knots. It is a childhood survival technic.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
SRUS, I love what Pink had to share, too. I know my RAH views me as a possession, as well, and that always has rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn't until I was in program that I was able to put a label on why I felt so uncomfortable about it.
Also, what I see in this thread is the program at work within you. You see your shortcomings, you admit them, and you know that you are still better than you were despite those faults. I always try to remind myself that we never stop growing, not until we leave this world, therefore there's always hope that tomorrow is another day to continue to grow and change.
In one of your posts you mentioned that you are still learning to experience the guilt and shame. I think that's a huge step for many of us. It was never safe to feel those things or work on them because we were never in a home where we could feel safe. We lived on red alert at all times, always in survival mode, and always waiting for the next unsafe moment to crash in on us. Now that you are in a place to experience life and to work through things, God is now revealing those things to you and you have the chance to work those things out and feel whatever it is you need to so that you can move on and have peace.
On a lighter note; I noticed the blonde highlights in your hair from the Facebook pics but here the pic is smaller and harder to see. It looks really good on you! HUGS!!!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Do you find it shocking though in terms of if you haven't experienced something that all of a sudden it just flies up and bites?
The anxiety stuff is big for me because and this will sound odd .. it wasn't a luxury I could afford .. as if anxiety is a luxury .. seriously, I had to just say hmm .. ok .. don't have time for you .. let me stick you in a box (in that way I do very much think like a man vs woman) I will deal with you later .. usually later didn't come around because there wasn't time. I mean that seriously I was on to the next crisis. I will take xyz, .. stick it in a box and move on again.
Now .. I have time to say ok .. I have time to take a breath however darn it .. it comes up at the worst times .. I'm at the office. Sometimes I do view it as God's warning .. I think for me as a mother I just know when my kids are off anyway .. and ALL day Thursday I kept going ok .. what the heck is going on I keep having this sensation that something is just off .. so when I got the call from the camp I wasn't surprised .. it was not easy digging for change thank you Jesus for my daughter as she floated me a little loan and the rest I was able to come up with in my own dollar and coins. Thankfully I have a smaller car now that doesn't suck the gas the way the van did. LOL .. I got him had gas for my trip to work and thankfully I got paid on Friday. So all was right with the world again.
The difference between that feeling and then seeing that my STBAX has text me .. UGH .. I just don't want to deal with him and I can feel him TRYING to hook me again. So that tells me that I'm getting healthier to feel in my gut when he's trying to do that .. it is such a slight difference between my anxiety and what is God's protection warning. There is part of my body wanting to get that fix as well because the ties have been so cut. I know that sounds all weird .. I wish I could describe what I'm feeling better. I will tell you I have always known when my STBAX was having sex with someone else .. weird weird weird and that could be some of it too .. I have always been very psychically connected that's for lack of a better term to those I am involved in a relationship with I think that's why .. when I'm done .. I'm just done. I know I'm done .. however .. I'm just waiting for legalities of it all to be DONE DONE.
I have no idea if any of that makes sense .. I'm literally feeling my way through for the first time in some ways for a LONG time and in other ways for the very first time in a true meaning of what it means for a first time. So many of us really are here for the first time .. I don't like standing on the ledge though trying to take that step and still doubting it's going to be ok.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
This is one silly man thinking he can mess around with you....