upping the ante - Al-Anon Family Group

giraffe13 · Senior Member

upping the ante

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This happened to me in break ups before. It was best for me to me to just move forward. A rolling stone gathers no moss....Keep rolling....forward forward....Don't look back at that train wreck....look forward and move forward. It's good you posted about this and your feelings, but the amount of attention you just gave to him just from this post was about all the attention he deserves from you at this time.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, my x pulled all that kind of stuff although there wasn't social media back then. He just did things like call me at work and threaten me with taking the children away (the children he would stand up on his visitation days), refuse to pay child support, call me about the kids and use that as an opportunity to bash me some more. Tell my kids and whomever would listen all sorts of stories about me - none of them true. The thing that upset me the most were the threats until one day a co-worker with a malicious x-husband, too, suggested I tell him I'd pack their bags and save him the court battle. Of course, I didn't do that but I laughed. When I laughed - I was done. I saw the game for what it was and like PC suggests I just kept moving forward and away from him. At some point, my Dad had to intervene with my x because he did keep upping the ante although I had no emotional reaction to it. Dad scared him. He ran away. That was the end of a lot of his bullying and harassment and hostile behavior. The disease didn't want him to be beaten at my Dad's hand, I guess. It wanted to do away with him itself. Regardless of what he did, I did what I needed to do to care for myself and for my children. It wasn't easy and it was sure a whole lot better than letting the disease turn me upside down inside. Just like the disease, I was powerless over him and what he did and didn't do. What I wasn't was a victim and I wasn't powerless to take good care of myself one day at a time in the best way I knew how. I didn't spend a whole lot of time telling others about what he was doing or not doing. I helped myself there, too. I had to focus on me and on my kids to survive and then to thrive. That was my goal and my promise to myself. I reached my goals by keeping my promises to myself.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 19th of July 2014 03:20:12 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 19th of July 2014 03:23:02 PM

giraffe13 · Senior Member

yes will keep moving. I feel supercharged. lol .. I really have to say 1 thing here though, through some much needed counseling which was 90% of the reason I made these leaps and bounds, I learned that if something he does really hurts or does truly bother me, and I give it attention behind closed doors, thats ok whether he deserves that or not. That is where I am at. I have to accept that and when I accept it, it actually dissipates quite faster and better than to consciously try to stop giving it attention. Better to accept where we are at personally and let it "be" that way and work through it, than to hold our behavior to a standard thinking that will become the momentum that helps us heal. In actuality we all would be here all day chasing our tails if we listed all the things they didn't deserve attention from in our private moments. This disease is crazy.

I had to balance between self acceptance, and learning why the A does these things and stop reacting to him. That was crucial in my recovery. I asked the counselor once how to get unstuck from his baloney, and she literally told me this and it started to work. Accept where I am, allow my feelings to be what they are, know that they are normal, and don't give him a reaction he can see. Surprisingly, that lead to a breakup finally. Thank goodness.

-- Edited by giraffe13 on Saturday 19th of July 2014 03:27:20 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I just knew my x was crazy and that was enough for me. I'm glad you can see and have employed an option that works for you. And I sure agree with the 3As you are practicing in awareness, acceptance and acting in favor of your self and not against him. Good example of validating yourself without attempting to change him.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

if one truly leaves someone they do not read their fb, answer their calls. For some reason you seem to want to stay connected.

A's love attention. Manipulation is how they get what they want. If they cause us to get upset, yell at them whatever they know they control us.

Al Anon teaches us to stay on our own side of the street, look at our own inventory. What he feels or felt whatever is not ours to respond to unless we accept the invitation.

hugs

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

giraffe,

Ohhh big hugs I get it and I so get it. Mine thankfully hasn't been THAT stupid .. however he's done other things to up ante's that haven't been on social media .. he likes to text me, threaten me, as well as just pull things that he knows are going to hurt me in some way.

I really try and just ignore him however I have slipped over the parking tickets that I want to post the story of .. LOL .. more visitation stuff as well.

It's interesting to watch the dance of not accepting personal responsibility. I'm amazed about it.

Anyway, it sounds like you are doing a good job of not taking it personally and recognizing that the relationship no longer fits. Sometimes that is what it comes down too. It just isn't working and it is best to leave it lay.

Hugs S :)

giraffe13 · Senior Member

It was a blip how i actually came across that. not something planned. This was not Facebook and this site works differently. thats a whole 2nd post. lol. anyway, needless to say I made all the necessary adjustments to the best of my ability and the resourcefulness is the real focus here. It is shocking. i don't think i mentioned i took his calls? blocked all that. to my best ability too. no one wants to leave church, have a calm night, and see that. TRUST ME. Unless they are trying to commit suicide anytime soon. Also my focus in posting was that I personally found it sad and hard to see someone I love and who loves me (because of this disease) go out of their way to hurt me b/c I seem happy without them. Maybe saying it that way better refocuses my intent in posting. I am sure others here have felt the same when the "ante was upped."

serenity, the dance of not accepting personal responsibility amazes me too. never gets old. LOL?! Thanks for your post I like to always say that too, "leave it lay the way it is. " It is just relaxing. I guess just educating myself about why it happens, not asking for advice from friends but using a counselor trained in this when needed, and posting on here once in a while has been the perfect combination to move forward through these tough moments. If it was all so easy we wouldn't be members on this forum. thanks hugs

-- Edited by giraffe13 on Saturday 19th of July 2014 05:56:48 PM

blessed · Senior Member

Great replies, and all I would add, is get mad, then get over it and move on. Go beat on your pillow, then move on. I always remember what happened to the lady that God told, "Do not look back" and she did, and He turned her into a pillar of salt. Okay, got it. I won't look back. Promise. :) I only want to look back at good memories, not bad ones that I coudln't change then, and certainly can't change now. I can only change me.

Social media really changes things in these type of situations. And people are enboldened in their homes behind a computer screen, or on a phone. We all know someone can actually ruin your life if they choose to. I have drilled this into my son, once you press SEND it is public & may come back to bite you one day, ruin your family, ruin your career......, regardless of what filters you have set in your preferences. And getting legal recourse is tough, expesnive and lengthy. Best to avoid it altogether.

Keep fighting the good fight of taking care of you. Don't be tempted to vindicate yourself on social media. It is tempting, but rarely turns out well. Those who know you already know, and you have nothing to prove to the social media stalkers.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

You know giraffe I wanted to add something to my original post to you .. that's sometimes all when I come here it's just to get it all out so I can see in writing how crazy the behavior really is .. even after 2 1/2 years of doing the divorce dance and then the horrible years before that .. in the beginning it wasn't all bad .. however the last 7 were just slowly getting worse and worse. I still question myself .. is this really that bad? Maybe I just imagined it. The reality is/was YES .. it really is .. YES .. it's not ok .. and NO I didn't imagine it .. and YES I have different tools on how I choose to respond. From time to time I text my sponsor and just say .. umm .. just checking .. lol? Is this healthy behavior? This is what is happening and it doesn't feel healthy and my response to this doesn't feel healthy.

Anyway, .. I have to laugh when dealing with him anymore .. it's just so sad to watch at times .. it's like a train wreck though .. you still look just because it's human nature to go OMGOSH .. how awful, I hope there are survivors, I hope I don't know anyone who has been killed and then thank you God it's not me or my family.

Hugs S :)

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