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I feel like, not only have a lost at love (again!), since my A-ex created so much chaos in our relationship that what we had was destroyed...I also feel like all of my friendships were destroyed. The one's that were created through our relationship were lost when we split, since most were a part of his lifestyle and still encourage his lifestyle. The friendships that I had prior to our relationship have been damaged or lost because they were tired of being brought into the chaos through all of my emotional drama. Some of those friends saw some really ugly, even dangerous, behavior by him when he was drinking.
Since he and I have split, I have friends who, when we do communicate (usually through social media) often initiate statements like "We need to get together" or "have missed seeing you", but when I respond and say that I would like to get together and to let me know what works for them, it doesn't go any further. In addition, all of my friends are either in a relationship or married, so who wants that spare wheel hanging around? I have thought about getting involved in a special interest club, but I am very shy in social situations due to my own life experiences, even back from when I was a child. Because of this, it is very difficult for me to take the initiative and get involved, although I know that I should. The effects of dealing with my A-ex have only added to these difficulties. Now, even though I put on a happy face when I am around others, like when I am at work, I feel incredibly alone. I went from having a very active social life to zilch. Sorry for the pity-party post but I have to ask...Has anyone else felt this way?
Yes, and still do from time to time. I find, though, that when I look backwards at the relationships and begin longing for them, I see that I no longer have those relationships because they don't work for me at this stage of my life. My longing comes from my feelings of lack, of not enough. So, for me it helps to learn to be still within my loneliness and listen to what I need to nourish me...not to fill the void, to nourish me. If it is a phone call to someone I love, or painting, or posting here, etc, I do it. I wish you good things for today...hugs.
Yes. When I was divorced, my life made a 360 degree turn. Everything changed. I was able to stay connected to a few of my friends for awhile, but as I kept doing more of what I loved to do and less of what I used to do, I lost contact with them, too. I wasn't totally alone and yet I had to face my aloneness at some point. That wasn't a bad thing. It was a healthy thing. I had cut off huge chunks of myself in trying to stay married to my x. I had to jumpstart some of those old parts of me that had to do primarily with the creative part of myself. I also had matured in ways, too, since as a mother I had to make changes for the needs of my children. What really changed was me and in the changing so did my outer life. I am newly retired, too, and I know the same thing is going to happen. My life is going to change dramatically. The difference between the divorced me and the more mature me is that I know not to cling to what was and anguish over it but to set my sights on "what now" and to give myself to that question by listening deeply as Paula suggests and acting on what is revealed in the listening. It's only been about 3 weeks since I retired and although my days are not filled with multiple pursuits, I can say that I don't long for the past and that I'm happy with my new freedom. There are people I know I won't see again. There are people I know I will be able to spend more time with now. And there are people I know I will meet who are more suited to me and me to them at this stage of my growth process. Hang in there and do more of what you love to do or need to learn to do.
Something that helped me was going to meetings and realizing that I needed to create healthier relationships and while some of them would just die a death of the relationship dying. Alanon has taught me what works and doesn't work .. building my own happiness is where I have started .. most people especially mutual friends don't want know about the issues of the relationship it just makes them feel uncomfortable as they don't know how to deal with my stbax. So I do what I want to do and I'm now developing my own limited interests at this point however point is they are developing .. that's a good thing. I have also found that while I was in the relationship with my qualifier I had become horribly negative and that wasn't a stretch considering the home I grew up in .. my mom is very negative. Alanon also gave me gratitude and that is HUGE .. it has changed my perception in a lot of situations.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I felt this way when I first decided I wanted to start to change my life. I thought I was so alone, my situation was a little different, I literally had to end a lot of my relationships, close my facebook account, the drama and chaos was too addictive for me. I felt like I could not make the changes without separating from those friends. Now that I have been in recovery for a while, I am able to be around old friends and accept them as is and I am generally not triggered if there is drinking or drama. But getting to the point, what worked for me was going to face to face meetings, meeting friends there and doing fellowship after meetings. I was able to develop healthy trusting relationships with other people in recovery. I wasn't lonely anymore;) and just knowing a friend was just a phone call away helped me be more comfortable with being alone.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I remember those days and I also remember some old mutual friends of my alcoholic/addict and I telling me "you were the last person we thought she should be with tonight" after I agreed and went with her to a Christmas dinner. It didn't wig me out because I knew she was blaming me behind my back rather than accept responsibility for her self which is normal for the alcoholic addict. I had to build new relationship and some were good and have lasted the 30+ years while others haven't. When I got back to where I got into program the living reactions from fellow member friends still in program is awesome and the remeet is often like no time apart has passed between us though there is now 2600+ miles between us. The relationships that didn't last remain only in memory (which is why I believe we don't ever divorce anyone)...lol One of the things I learned in Al-Anon that help a lot in killing the loneliness was "self love". I learned how to love myself as much as I loved others including the alcoholics and addicts who I had enabled for years. When I got that balance my loneliness went away. I don't "need" anyone else to complete me. Keep working it ....What's it like to be loved by you?
Jerry this really hit home with me .. " I knew she was blaming me behind my back rather than accept responsibility for her self which is normal for the alcoholic addict." .. it's exactly what is playing out with the kids and myself this weekend. Crazy stuff this addiction can bring out and again with the dance of lack of personal responsibility .. so he dances alone in the blaming dance of addiction. I just needed to see someone else write that though thanks :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you, everyone, for sharing your thoughts. It's just so hard, at times, when I feel like everything in my life has done such a 180. Some days are much better than others. It seems to hit me so much more on the weekends when I have way too much time to think about it. Some days, Im reminded that his disease has had such a huge negative impact on my life, but the only thing that seems to have changed in his life is that we are not together. He is still enjoying the same social activities that we enjoyed when we were together. Me...I'm left to almost start over and reinvent myself.
Jerry, I can completely relate to your comment about the alcoholic and blame...my ex has done a very good job of blaming everyone else. He has mostly enablers (including most of his family) surrounding him so they were very easy to convince that I was the enemy in his lifestyle. They went from crying and scared that he was going to drink himself to death to being convinced that I was over-reacting and then they started telling him "You don't have a drinking problem" or "You aren't an alcoholic...just slow down a little bit". That really hurt...still does hurt. They originally acknowledged that he was going in a downward spiral, but have now changed their position since they realized that him getting sober would change their life, also (he hosts a lot of the parties and funds their fun).
I will heal though. I am so appreciative of everyone here and the support that this entire community offers.
-- Edited by LiveLaughLove on Sunday 20th of July 2014 11:15:38 AM
