Don't know where I stand - Al-Anon Family Group

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't know where I stand

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, LU. I am confused. I was under the impression that you had decided that having a relationship to your bf was not something you wanted to continue?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I would take getting cheated on personally...Also selling meth from my house....I would also leave the woman alone as it's about your boyfriend's actions and not hers. Through out all your posts I'm seeing ongoing codependency not Alanon tools. Also you will seems really intense in terms of tracking him down, blaming others and yourself for his unacceptable behaviors and some straight up denial with regard to this guy's ability to be what you want, who he is, and what he will likely continue to be. I hear you bringing up Alanon slogans...but the focus is not on self care. It sounds like you are addicted to this guy. Not judging you, but it makes me sorta sad because I'd like to see you treat yourself like a queen and you've made it clear over the years you would like a morally sound, faithful, employed, non criminal boyfriend that is marriage material and that could be part of your adult children's lives too. So what's with the cheating, unemployed drug dealer, addict that steals from you and lies all the time? Are you really accepting powerlessness over his addict behaviors? Sounds like a lot of effort to deny, justify, influence, and control this guy that is clearly not what you want in so many ways. Better Alanon work would be the steps, focus on self and your fears and reasons why you accept things you don't want in relationships...not using slogans to justify staying on this merry go round. This is just a suggestion...but one coming from now seeing multiple years of the same problems cropping up for you.

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess I'm really the one that's confused,but yes at one time I did several times I have but I've decided to take a diff,approach in a better way not being such a witch toward him when he hadn't done anything to deserve it sorry

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Lookingup: No matter how you behave in relationship to him, he is still a person who from what I've read doesn't treat you well. That won't change. But, you can be a person who treats you well if you've had enough of the heartache of being in relationship to a person who you can't change to be the person you want him to be, sister. He has done plenty from what you have written to deserve you putting boundaries in place for you. I know you might be afraid to let go of him and let the Al-Anon program become a place of comfort, safety and peace for you but as you may have read in our posts, many of us have done that and we are happy to be here to greet you and to encourage you to go to Al-Anon with an open mind where you will find help and hope for you and gain the tools to attract a person who is who you really want and need. (((LU))) I've been there. I understand it. I can promise you that if you truly work the program, you will find yourself wondering why you waited so long to be good to yourself.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 18th of July 2014 06:10:24 PM

karma13 · Senior Member

Good esh above from both pink chip and Gratefultobe ;)We teach people how to treat us, I hear you are teaching him that you will accept unacceptable behavior. I agree with pink chip this is between him and her, I would not contact her. I won't say he will not change, but if you change. Either he will change, or you will end the relationship or he will. That thought that someone might end the relationship, kept me in unhealthy relationships long past their sell date for half my life.I knew about the tools in my early twenties, my sister bought me a book, women who love to much. I loved the book, it sounded just like me, then I read the sentence if I changed he would leave. I sadly laid the book down for twenty years. When I came into the program, I found the book again, I got to a alanon meeting. I had hit my bottom, he tried to leave, I even tried to beg him back. I stirred the pot on facebook all the time, jealousy, possessiveness, and chaos ruled my life. The truth, which I was addicted to drama, didn't come out till I really started working my program. I had to get used to a quiet serene life slowly over time. The truth is after thirty nine years of watching what the HE was doing, I wanted to live my own life. I was tired of watching others and I knew in my heart I had wasted a lot of time. I would say alanon gave me back my life, but I never had a life before alanon. So alanon gave me A new life and a new start. It also gave me boundaries, taught me to mind my own business, freedom to find myself and be who I truly am meant to be, trust in others, and self love. I had no self love coming in, my star was hitched to his dream. I thought without him I was nothing. Today my whole life is different and our relationship is completely different. I love Him now, where he was only a addiction before. He can be a part if my life, but not my whole life. I spent so many of my days focused completely on what he was doing. No more, I have my own life and learned to take care of Myself and put myself first. I have other interests, friends and I'm no longer afraid to be alone.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Looking up You have received great support and suggestions I would truly like to state that working the 12 Steps with a sponsor truly changed my life. It restored my ability to discern my needs, find my self esteem and self worth and enabled me to make decisions that were for my best interest in the long run. I no longer tried to force anyone to do what I wanted and then found the only support I really needed--- my HP, who will never abandon me.

Please try to keep the focus on yourself, and work the 4th through 11th Steps-- it will change your life.

Keep coming here and connecting as well.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You are married to a cheater. Has nothing to do with his disease of addiction.

I guess I think of it as a cess pool,their situation. I would not call her or have anything to do with her. For me, nothing to do with him either.

first time he ever cheated that you know of. I don't know if you are one who can accept someone with this behavior, that is totally up to you. We accept others as is, as we want to be accepted.

I feel to get involved makes us as bad as the situation. Why would any moral wise person want to have any part of it.I am talking threatening her.

Yes tools are important, let go, don't have to accept the invitation, stay out of the heat if you don't want to get barbecued.

for me cheating is a no thank you, stay way, for me.hugs

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