Jerry, I don't understand. Sorry. Can you explain what it means to "do magic" and "come to the show"?

Thanks. 

The A is not the birth father; although we have been married since my son was very young so he raised him. He was a good dad until the alcohol progressed to the "I only care about me stage". His birth father is stepping up to the plate and, I think, going to help out in this situation. He doesn't want him in another older used car that meets my budget, but is talking a late model or even new. I have told him what I can contribute. My son is visiting him this next week and they will go car shopping. He lives in another state so logistics will be a factor. In another month my son turns 18 so child support stops, so with that he can help him with that money he used to pay for c.s.  He has a good job, is not married and can afford to buy him a car.

When I asked for help with college he has told me how much he has paid (as if I don't know) in child support over the years, and I need to fully pay for the car and college. He forgets we have to keep a roof over my son's head, buy clothes and groceries, etc. My son has had a very comfortable life, traveled, lived in nice homes, etc. As my son's "teacher" (homeschool) I once sent him an itemized list of the salaries of all I did (teacher, private tutor, chaeuffer, house keeper, .........) and the salary was 10X more than child support. That quieted him down. lol!  I did tell him that c.s. allowed me to stay home, and for that I was thankful. In the beginning he was very hard to deal with but has mellowed over the years, and is so concerned with the appearance of being a good dad (after deserting us & taking all the $, & leavng me high & dry w/ a 1-yer old) that he has been good to my (his) son. I am thankful for that.

The hardest part is seeing my son sad & mad about our A; who he has called dad, and loves. He really hates seeing how he treats me. He has no respect for him, but is still respectful to him. But, he won't take any nonsense from him either. He is fine young man of whom I am very proud of. 

Prayers, blessed.

Child support stops on the 18th birthday & college is not something a court will mandate. He is now an adult and you can't force anyone to pay your way after you are eighteen; except the governement. tee hee.(don't get me started on that). unless the non-custodial parent agreed to pay college tuition in the original divorce. Very few people agree to that. My son does have a college fund so tuition, room & board are taken care of; but not living expenses. I don't want him to work his first year so he can focus on school. Years 2-4 he can work and contribute. He has worked since he was 14 years old. He is not a slacker. My son's birth father is supposed to give him a spending allowance each month to cover basic necessities snce I am covering the college itself. I told him $500 a month and he is trying to talk that down but my son says he will talk to him about it. He should have to call home each time he needs gas $ or tires for the car, etc.  

The A has all the financial informaiton in the form of statements, etc. He wants to have access to the computer program I use to manage all of our accounts. I have tried to get him to participate for years, but he never had any interest. But, now he says he doesn't trust me. lol!  He doesn't even have a clue what he has. I have never hid anything; he just didn't care as he knew I would take care of eveyrthing. He can see what is going on w/ statements and I am not going to give him the management program password - it is not necessary. I print out complete financial statement at the end of every month. There are no secrets. He is just trying to find something to fight about; and he has lttiel else.

His sponsor also meets w/ me privately and us as a couple. He is a pastor, former addict, and now ministers recovering addicts and addicts at his church. At this time I trust him, until he gives me reasos not to. But, I am careful about who and what I share. In this life, you can't be too careful. 

I just can't believe he is hurtng my son & telling him he has to buy his own car and he will not contribute a dime. But, I am learning more everyday the progression of this disease hurts everyone in its path; not just the one is rests with. He can't go to college out of state w/o a car. And he does not have $ to buy one. He needs a car. Period. We have to buy it for him. Period. This is not rocket science. If worse comes to worse I will give my son my car, and get something cheaper to drive around town. It sounds like birth dad and maybe paternal Grandparents might dontate to the cause. Putting it in God's capable hands. He knows it is not a frivilous request, it is necessity. 

And to add to this: I question a recovering addict working with the non-addicted person without Al-Anon recovery themselves, Blessed. I know you trust this person and I still don't think they can do a very good job of being in the relationship to the both of you - especially when you are working an Al-Anon program. Although the 12 steps are the same - the recovery work isn't. I also don't think a man is a good sponsor for a woman if this is what the pastor is trying to accomplish? If he isn't credentialed, he also can't counsel as much as he can simply listen as a caring person but not a therapist. You are not a recovering addict so I don't see how he can really be of benefit to you without any recovery work himself in the Al-Anon program. He might be well versed in Scripture and in his experience as an addict who is now in recovery but not necessarily right for you? Please forgive me if I've stepped over my bounds with you. I am concerned being a person who has been active in church work, ministry and also Al-Anon. I couldn't possibly do or even attempt to do what your pastor is doing - for liability reasons but mostly because I know it is impossible to provide leadership in my organization on a pastoral level and sponsor couples separately and together who were a part of that organization as part of a recovery program. Sponsorship is very different than pastoral leadership and pastoral leadership is very different than pastoral counseling.  In my own recovery groups, no one knew what I did for years.  It wasn't until I became friends with my former sponsor and some others in the fellowship that anyone had any idea what I did.  I left my professional hat at work when I was in the rooms.  I didn't want to mix it all up for people and certainly didn't want to confuse myself as to what I was doing in Al-Anon.