Broken spirit - broken heart - Al-Anon Family Group

sunrise2014 · Veteran Member

Broken spirit - broken heart

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate. My dry ah is going on aa recovery retreat. One of the passengers is a women
He wants to have an intimate relationship with. They been friends since he joined aa. He
Told me he no longer wants to be in our marriage and checked out long ago. We have been
Being intimate up till two weeks ago. he has been dry for 30 years but only in aa for
Two years. I told hom i havent decided if i was staying in my home or leaving what a total
A*** .

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Nothing is wrong with you.
You're a loving, caring, amazing woman.
The only thing that is wrong with you is that you don't see your own value.
You're defining yourself by what HE does. What HE says about you, how HE treats you.
You are so much more than that.
He is spending time with rehab chick because she doesn't have any expectations of him; she is broken too. She's easier to be with because she doesn't expect anything of him. Do you want to go back to expecting nothing of him? I bet you could do it well if you wanted to...you could pretend to be sad and hopeless and broken..
NOTHING is wrong with you.
Change is hard, and right now you are feeling it.
You're doing well.

sunrise2014 · Veteran Member

Hi Mirandac, I don't know if I want to cry or fight at this point. Part of me KNEW he wouldn't chose this marriage and commit to all it stands for, why would he? He's gotten away with so much already... I'm trying to recall the serenity I had when we were apart, why do I allow myself to re-engage in this chaos? I know I should know better, i guess I just thought he "saw the light" or the "bulb went on", but I know I am powerless to his choices. I need to stop fooling myself, I seem to have hope enough for a 100 people, I should put to good use instead of slowly killing myself. I need to tell him to leave, time's up.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not telling you what to do but if it's so hard for him to show basic caring and respect...well, there you have it. You are dealing with someone with a thinking disorder. He wants "to work on the marriage" to the extent that he can keep status quo...His family, yet do whatever else he wants. You deserve better than having having to plead to be a priority to your spouse. Relationships are work, but it shouldn't be as much work, convincing, and pain like you are describing. Be with someone that loves, cherishes, respects you, or be by yourself and do all that for yourself. I spent way too much time in past relationships convincing my partners to be more romantic, attentive, affectionate, committed, responsible....I wish now I'd just let them go faster because being with me is a privilege and I will never ever again be in a relationship where the other person made like being my significant other was a chore or something they had to mull over...That was horrible on my self esteem.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Sunrise))))) nothing wrong with you...you are a qualified member for the AFG and only partly because one of the characteristic of the enabler is that our qualifiers get screwed up and we feel badly because of it. I hear you talking to your addiction like I did and the solution for that for me was more meetings, literature, working with the sponsor and others and keep holding on to the leash attached to my HP's hand. I have come to understand of many things that one for sure really works and that is the program..."it works when you work it" all of it. What does that make him do? whatever....ohhhh well. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

of course you are going to get nothing is wrong with you hon. You want a moral true marriage. What is wrong with that.

It's very hard facing the person we thought we were one with is with someone else. It's horrible.

You see who he chose. We cannot control that.

You gave him your boundaries/terms, what were the consequences if he chose not to comply?

So now, as hard as it is, it is your turn to look at what you need to do for you and kids.Myself there is no way I would stay with someone like that, no way.

I would be sitting down with a tablet and writing down my options. If he leaves how will I pay the bills? The kids are losing their father that is enough, losing home, believe me I have been there and still have nightmares and I am 61.

IF leaving is the thing to do, then I would have the kids help choose the new home. Depends on how old they are. I was in third grade.

Just makes me hurt for you honey. We can be strong for ourselves and kids, we can step up and think about what we want to do to live on our own. How can we accomplish that.

Its all in what you choose to do. If you can handle him cheating on you, and the kids knowing it, that is up to you. We love you and will support whatever you choose.

Let me say, and I could be wrong, he may be addicted to her now. It is very common for an A do transfer from one addiction to another. They all stimulate the same part of the brain.

Please keep coming and venting. I know for me when things go like this, I have to write down a plan, start putting it together. I call it being proacitve. If you are planning to stay, myself I would start packing up his stuff and putting it in the garage or get a storage unit.that is just me. I need to jump in and take care of it so I can get my home/life where it should be.

I want to make the change and then grow to get familiar with it. We have people on here who are doing just that. We also have ones who their lives are familiar now. And believe me they are doing great.

My life is MINE. I won't put up with anyone elses boloney. I just won't.Hurts more for me to be looking at it than to say ok go live and do whatever it is you want to do. I will not live like that. You do have a choice.

If you make that step, believe me you will wonder what in the world ever made you put up with it. You and kiddos can be happy.

please keep coming. we care soooo much!

sunrise2014 · Veteran Member

Thank you, as I sit here weeping while I read of of these posts. Amazing how I need to hear what I'm worth from people I don't know......but I do know you and you me. That is why your outpour of love and concern hits my core..... Thank you for this, I needed to read it......i needed to remember my value even though he doesn't.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Dear Sunrise))). You are a compassionate, loving, intelligent women who has been living with the destructive disease of alcoholism. Alanon helped to restore my self esteem so that I could truly see my self worth and rebuild my self esteem . Please know you are not alone and you are so worth working on your own recovery.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You are at the starting gate of seeing that life for you can be different because you want it to be different. Although you are powerless over his choices and behaviors, you are incredibly able to make changes that are in your best interest with the help of your HP, the program tools and the fellowship. Cry as long as you must, feel the anger, the hurt, the disappointment, the sense of betrayal and then get still and listen for the next right step for you. You aren't alone. Many of us have been faced with the insensitive choices of our As and moved through it to a life that is more fit and worthy of us.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your kids. There something wrong with him. I've been through what you are going through and felt broken hearted and rejected too. What helped me was what a recovering alcoholic told me when I decided to attend an open AA meeting looking for a clue as to why this was happening to me. He told me that my husband didn't want to face himself. He said my face was the face to his past and a reminder of wrongful things he'd done that he'd rather forget. This recovering alcoholic said my ex was just taking the easier softer way by hiding from all of that by switching partners.

Today I know that my ex had never stopped using and my conditions were that he needed to be clean and sober to come back home. I had found alanon and he was aware of that. Sometimes they aren't interested in recovery and leave us for other people who aren't interested in being sober either. Sometimes it's an instant feel good emotional fix to not face themselves. Please take care because you're vulnerable right now and feel rejected. Keep close to your higher power and your children and your alanon sponsor. You're loved and a lovable person. Hard as it might be try to keep your life simple because that can be a helpf for holding onto some serenity. It may not seem like it at the moment but the thing he's doing will run it's course. You may feel differently as more time passes about your marriage, him and yourself. Keep coming back to share. (((hugs))) TT

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I knew it was over with my first husband when we were sitting in a counselor's office and she had to tell him to get rid of his girlfriend if he wanted us to work out. He responded with deafening silence. He married the girlfriend and now they are getting divorced. Karma is a you know what.

blessed · Senior Member

We are creatures of habit, and will stay in bad situations that are predictable and comfortable in their sick way, instead of the unknown.

But, there are times, we have to let go of something to make room for something else. Trust your HP to move you from bondage to serenity. Don't settle for less than you're worth. You are loved and valuable, and don't believe anyone that tells you differently. Belief in yourself and your HP. If you focus more on you, and less on those who want to tear you down you will get stronger and stronger day by day.

Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))

I heard another person on here share a funny story re:"the other woman". Start praying for her because you know what she is getting herself into. lol! That sure changes things, doesn't it?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My x remarried. His new wife to be was sharing with me what a wonderful man he was and how incredibly I must have missed the boat with him in my choice to divorce him. I can remember saying: "P, you have gotten to know me. Do you think I would just get up and say one day, "Welp. This is enough for me. Thanks for the memories. Don't you think that maybe - just maybe - there might have been a very serious reason why I would choose to go into instant poverty to raise two toddlers as a single woman?" Of course, she just knew things were and would be different for her. He walked out on her 8 months into their marriage while she was pregnant with their daughter after accusing her - as he did me - of having multiple affairs and berating her on a constant basis. He didn't hit her. Most likely because she was the kind of woman who would probably have hit him right back with a heavier punch if she could manage it. She knew then why I divorced him. I didn't have to say a word after that. I tried to help her avoid the turmoil by asking questions but she was blind until she wasn't blind. Experience is a great teacher.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 18th of July 2014 08:28:14 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My exAH always wanted me more when I was fed up and done, then I would let him talk me back and wham same ol same old crap from him. It's not a fun channel to watch and I really got fed up and changed the channel. I get to al-anon regularly and I come here. I read al-anon books and keep myself focused on the new healthier better life I have made for my kids and I. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Keep your head up and know your own worth is not on the clearance rack. Sending you love and support!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((HUGS)))))) Sunrise.

It takes time to grieve and to let things go, its painful, but also cleansing. I imagine that a life with you could be fun, loving, calm and comforting and there are folks who would like to share that and reciprocate. There are other folks who have too much of their own baggage to be able to value lovely assets like yours, perhaps they will never feel that they deserve that much good fortune in their life.

Part of recovery is, I think, learning to value yourself and the life that is in you. It is insulting to have all of your efforts and patience rejected, but that happens sometimes. I believe that HP has better things in store, perhaps involving places and people where our energy is appreciated and therefore restored.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.