The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm in a really bad place. My AH came home yesterday after being on a binge. He then proceeded to finally talk to me. He says he doesn't understand why he is choosing to drink. He says he thinks his life is boring without it. What a remark! I like boring. It means we can go on without the ups and downs of this disease. He also told me he is contemplating having an affair. I almost fell on the ground. We have been married almost 40 years. He admitted to seeing another woman but she doesn't like that he's married. What does that mean?? Do I wait to see if he goes through with it?? I want to make the right choices but now all I want to do is run. How do I save myself if everything I have is disappearing?
Ellen..I understand your shock, don't minimize your pain. Accept it and rather than respond to the crazy and chaos, choose empowering actions that will help you. Posting here is one of them, attending an al anon meeting ASAP would be another. What actions will you be taking for your health and well being that does not involve him? Hugs
What I hear in his words is that desire to fill the God hole we talk about in recovery circles with something outer that can only be found within. It is never satisfying and he will do what he will do. The fact that you like boring makes me wonder if that means you have resigned yourself to living the life you are living or if you have found the gift of serenity in your life? The suggestion of Al-Anon meetings and choosing things that you love to do that are empowering to your interior life as Paula states is wise counsel for growing or for deepening your own existence. His remarks can very well end up being the catalyst for a spiritual awakening for you.
Dear Ellen, I am so sorry to hear of this distressing situation. 40 years of marriage is a great achievement and I so understand your confusion and sadness. I would like to assure that you are not alone and that there is support, understanding and help for you. My son started drinking again after 14 years of successful sobriety so we do understand as few others can .
Alcoholism is a progressive, irrational disease and the best we can do, to survive the insanity, is to learn how to truly take care of ourselves in a constructive manner. Alanon has the tools and the support necessary to help you walk through this difficult time.
Please keep coming back and search out more face to face meetings and attend.
Yes, I believe I was in a place of serenity. I thought I was prepared for anything but his announcement to me has put me in a tail spin. Unmanageable. Now I am going through the motions of my daily chores. I did attend an online meeting this morning and I'm seeing counselor this afternoon. Can only look at the clock though and wonder what is going to happen when he gets out of work.
Congratulations on forty years Hullibee, that is a tremendous achievement. My AH and I have been together for thirty five years.
I hope that your session this afternoon helps you - I think that this is a time to really listen to and focus on yourself. What do you need? When my husband decided to flaunt the possibility of his having an affair under my nose I went into a tail spin as well. I did everything that I could think of to try and prevent it progressing from ignoring him to making demands to attempted acceptance to making the very best of myself. The only thing that stopped the affair when it started was when I said 'up with this I will not put' and walked out of the door. I do not understand what our spouses are trying to achieve, apart from perhaps seeking attention, but I do know that breaking our trust is belittling and destructive and being a doormat makes repairing the damage more difficult.
I thought that I could be flexible like a silver birch but I didn't realise that in doing that I grew a few cankers that, frankly, I don't like! Please take good care of you, it is all that matters, and as Grateful says, this can be a time to invest in new things that you've always wanted to explore. We are never too old to relearn the art of play, and lets face it, we deserve some fun in our lives.
Aloha Ellen and here have some ((((((hugs))))))....Lord knows you should have loving people around you at a time like this. For me sitting back and just reading I also hear that part of the definition of alcoholism that mentions the "insanity" of it. My relapsing eldest son just did this and is continuing on with it and of course it affects the ENTIRE family not just his immediate family. We have stopped mentioning him or asking about him. He is fulfilling his own choices what ever condition he is in and the whole family doesn't have to walk on eggshells around it or change their lives to make sense of it. The family is detaching from it...thank you God!!. Wearing blinders is okay for a while so you can keep your own choices in front of you and his distractions out. He is pulling away from the family while you are not...His choice...his consequences. The family will have some consequences also and Al-Anon for the family will help minimize it. Keep coming back .
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 16th of July 2014 06:37:16 PM
Thank you all. My adult children and grand children are going to be effected by his decision to have an affair. I don't want them to know yet because I need to think of me first. My counselor said to wait a few days to a week before jumping the gun. One Day At A Time.
Ellen That is a wise suggestion. While you wait, continuing to post here, attend meetings and begin to use some of the simple tools will help tremendously.
You also have decisions to make, so using these tools will help you to focus on yourself, your needs, your principles and receive support as you strive for clarity. . You are not alone.
My As were constantly in flux - always with a new plan of action - some they acted out and some they just verbalized. I learned to watch what they did and not so much to what they said. That doesn't mean I didn't or don't set boundaries for myself, but the insanity of the disease could keep their minds going in directions that were too crazy making for me to allow my attention to remain with their thoughts very long. I'd get all upset or excited about something and they'd be somewhere else making new plans or taking new actions. I'm glad you have tasted serenity and want more of that and not the high drama the disease can hook us into about the time we begin to relax our boundaries and breathe a little more deeply.
Sounds to me he is trying to get a reaction. Personally, I would not respond, period. I love the 3 S's. Stand back; Shut up; and smile. Works for me. You can't do anything about any of it anyway. He is going to do what he is going to do. It is my opinion that those "threaten" don't usually follow through, it is a way to start a fight and distract from the alcohol. Look over here, look over here. This is worse than the drinking, isn't it?
A friend asked me once, "Do you think he is cheating?" And I honestly answered, "I honestly do not care." I would not be surprised, he doesn't sleep with me and wasn't able to last time I tried to get him to & that has been months ago. I am so over the "feelings" of all of love. I don't hurt anymore. I am just neutral with it all. I have been more than a door mat; I have been wall-to-wall carpet, and it is going to take an act of God to restore any simily of trust or any the other things necessary to have a "marriage".
Be strong. And know there isn't a thing you can do; so just find your peaceful place and relax. :)
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