Help me! Why won't my Mom leave him???!!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

xeternalblossomx · Newbie

Help me! Why won't my Mom leave him???!!!!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello. Welcome to MIP. In two words as to how you can get your mother to see this man for who he truly is and stop enabling him?: You can't.

In situations of alcoholism/drug addiction/DV/codependency, each person has their own sickness and their own blinders on. I say this as a woman who lived with an abusive man. The violence, etc doesn't come all at once but in gradually increasing increments. I have learned that even though I lived through and got out of an abusive marriage, encouraging another person to do that takes an incredible amount of patience and sometimes it is necessary for my own wellbeing to step back and step out and let that person do whatever they are going to do. It is also no secret that the most dangerous time for a woman (and sometimes a man) is the time after they leave the relationship. So, it is important to my way of thinking to let the person who is being abused determine what is best in their situation because it is them (and sometimes their family members) who are at high risk of being murdered or maimed. Perhaps your Mom isn't being violated in physical ways, but your description of the person she lives with makes me wonder.

I know how heart wrenching it must be for an adult child to watch their parent go through a situation like this and to feel helpless to help them move on and out. Powerlessness in a situation like this as in a situation with somebody who is in denial about the destructiveness of alcoholism is hard to accept and once we do, we find help and hope for ourselves.

I suggest Al-Anon for you. You might not be able to help your Mom see what you'd like for her to see or to make any changes for herself. What you can do is help yourself in a program for people who are affected by alcoholism and its isms in a family member or a friend. I'd also like to suggest that you contact a local Domestic Assault organization if your Mom has also been physically assaulted that may be able to help you learn more about domestic violence and what you can do to support your Mom without interfering with her choices.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 15th of July 2014 11:31:04 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 15th of July 2014 01:24:36 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome to mip.

Most the time someone new comes to Al anon they find it hard to accept the truths we know to be true.

Most all people who live with an A are sicker than they are. They come to be so down beaten, so tired they don't even think about having the energy to change.

They lose their will, the lose their creativity.

I know it is hard to know what is going on, but you nor anyone but her can change it. If you like you might give her some literature to read. Getting them sober is a good book by toby rice drew, volume one. courage to change ,one day at a time are two more.

she may not know about al anon. If she is willing to talk about it, you could find a meeting and ask her if she would like to go with you.

she needs your support of just loving her.To tell her what to do is not going to work.

We have meetings online here also, you can share here anytime. glad to see you here!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear X Welcome to Miracles in Progress This is certainly a very distressing situation for you to witness and understand. Living with the disease of alcoholism adversely affects every member of the family. Our thinking becomes distorted and we become unreasonable without knowing it.

Coping with alcoholism, as your mom is doing is not unusual. Many people live in denial of the situation and pretend all is well.

Alanon is a fellowship of people who have lived like this, and who connect at face to face meetings in order to solve our common problems. Breaking the isolation caused by living in the disease is very important The meetings are held in most communities and It might be best for you to attend, pick up some literature and then have you and mom could go together If not I suggest you keep coming back

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.