Obviousy I still need support/ help! - Al-Anon Family Group

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Obviousy I still need support/ help!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm the oldest of 10 children. Our Mother died about 17 years ago. Our history with our father was always deeper than his relationship to any women he dated. A different woman in our Dad's life than our Mother was okay provided that woman didn't try to drive a wedge between my Dad and the rest of us and didn't mistreat my Dad. All of us chose not to interfere with our Dad's choices of women to date. We were just happy he wasn't alone and could give and receive affection. I also know this: Had the women he dated tried to move our Dad away from us when he was very sick - and he was - we would have only had to tell our Dad how we felt about what was happening and he would have felt like he needed to make a choice. He would choose us. He loved our Mother very much and he loved us deeply, too. He knew our strengths and he knew our limits and would have defended us to whomever he was dating. Your bf and my Dad(he died in March) may be very different in personalities, but I do think a father's love for his children can trump his love for a gf if conflict begins to occur. When our Dad died, there was only one woman present to him as he was dying - a family friend since we were children - and at the funeral. We all loved her and she loved us. She would take a back seat to visiting our Dad when we came to sit with him and be with him. I think you're in a pretty sticky situation given what you have written here and my experience in my own family with my Dad and his gfs. I think it is wise of you to suggest you go home to get some rest, peace and some work done. Offering him an opportunity to go with you if he chooses without being disappointed if he decides to stay with his children will probably save you some possible grief, too.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad I read your post and I just get very clearly, "Say what you mean....mean what you say...don't say it mean". Clear as a bell along side of "Courage is fear that has said its prayers". and a lot of other recovery gems the program has imprinted in my soul. (((((hugs))))) for you and (((((hugs))))) for him...some for them too. smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

If this were me, my thought is he is very sick needs to heal. Having company is hard on us even when we feel healthy. There is good stress too. I mean like weddings are nice but ohhhhh so stressful.

You and he are as one. What affects him, affects you. Men in my experience tend to think they can do anything, oh I can handle it, oh I don't need a doctor etc.

Just the fact she used his card to get food without asking was crossing a huge line. Very rude.

I don't know how he feels, but myself I would let them know with him, that this is way too stressful for him right now. She needs to go.

If that is not a good one, I agree I would invite him to come to my house. She can stay or leave.

I guess i am different I just would not put up with this. My AH's family would never come to our house. Only his brother who was a good friend of mine too.

this adult sounds manipulative and controlling.

so as you said, what can you do to stop this bolony? hugs!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad I am sorry that your partner is ill and am happy that you were able to support him as you have. I believe you answered your own question when you stated that you should offer the suggestion of your returning to your home to complete you work and gain some much needed space and that he could decide to join you or remain in his own home. Allowing him the right to make the choice is wise, as you will not be pulled into the chaos of the family dynamic.
Let go and Let God comes to mind.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

She sounds like a daughter to me, Debilyn, and one who has probably been able to act with her father's blessing. I see this coming to an unhappy ending for Glad if she tries to assert herself with grown children and their Dad who wants his kids there. Since Glad has no legal standing as his wife, the adult children are probably not going to see her as a person who can tell them to go home - especially when they are in their father's home. This is something their Dad will have to handle and I do see a power struggle going on that will be more stressful to the sick man than who is in his house. My Dad wanted all of his children with him and his grandchildren. It sounds like Glad's BF's wants the same thing. Its up to him who should be there with him, isn't it? My concern is that he will be put into a position that is too hard on him at this time to be asked to choose between Glad's desires and his grown kids' need to be with him. My concern is also that it may not turn out in Glad's favor if you push, Glad. In the end, you know the situation and your bf better than I do. But, knowing how much my Dad loved us and we loved our Dad, a gf would have been pushed out totally if she wanted something different than my Dad and his children wanted with him. Our sisters-in-law and brothers-in-law loved my Dad, too, but most visited but didn't interfere with his kids' choices and behaviors in relationship to our Dad. In this way, they helped mitigate the stress of being with a very sick father (who wasn't an A) that had always been our rock, losing our last parent. All of them ensured their places in our hearts because all decisions made by us were based on what our father wanted and didn't want and if our in-laws had an opinion on what should happen - knowing the family dynamics - they didn't insert it into the mix. They chose instead to be encouraging and supportive of us and very loving with my Dad. Together we cried when my Dad died. Together we went to the funeral and to the gravesite and were at peace with each other in sorrow and in remembering the many ways my Dad loved us. That may not have happened if it wasn't the choice of my sibs' spouses to let us be who we needed to be to and with my Dad. Lots of prayers and encouragement for you as you work to be loving and supportive of their father and them while taking good care of you.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 15th of July 2014 06:56:57 AM

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel like I should add that I understand different families do things differently.

It comes to mind after I wrote this post that about five years ago my own dad had heart bypass surgery. It was dramatic for all of us and all the kids were there for the surgery.

When he was discharged from the hospital I offered to come to his home and "help" he and my mother out. They were probably about 77 or 78 at the time. (okay don't get confused with the age thing, I'm younger than my BF) so anyway...

My dad who is very independent, said something like honey I love you with all my heart BUT I don't want to see you or anyone but your Mom for a while. He and I laughed at what he said, I called and checked on him a few times but didn't see him for a couple of weeks or more... My Dad and I still talk almost every day now and are very close. I remember feeling honored that he could be so honest with me!

BUT some families like a lot of togetherness,,, and I think some just do what they think they are "supposed to do" ... It is very good that I'm learning what this family and my "Man" want and having a chance to see how all that works out! Thank you Higher Power for all this time to think tonight in this little room and thank you to all my friends who are offering their ideas and support!!

So different families do things differently. And to those who may not have their Dads with them anymore I say I can't imagine your loss and I hope you will always have love and memories that make you smile.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If my Mom had been alive, Dad still would have wanted us there but not to the degree he did after my Mom died. That is the sticky part of being in a relationship to somebody with children who are not our children in my experience. As I said, we as a family never tried to interfere with Dad's relationships to his gfs, figuring he was old enough to decide who he wanted to spend his time with then. But, I do know that we knew our Dad very well and all the power would have been ours if we didn't like the gal who was dating him or felt pushed out in some way or if he felt pressured in ways he didn't like. In fact, there was a gal my Dad was dating who wanted to get married. None of us were anything but kind to her and we liked her a lot and liked that our Dad had a friend he looked forward to spending time with. But, he was also old school and decided that he didn't want to marry her and mix what he and Mom had built up together that he wanted to leave for us with another woman. He didn't want that complication for himself or for us. She pushed him and after 6 years of dating, he called it off.

You are very wise to see that families are different and that what he wants and what his children want right now will play itself out. I love that you are willing to look, listen, learn and love! Good program work.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Your alanon plan sounds good, I would also lift my money out of this joint account, if he questions this then tell him its due to his enabling behaviour of his daughter or if you find a nicer way to put it use that. It is a difficult situation to be in, never mind with a sick alcoholic. I would use detachment from the whole lot of them.x

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