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I am utterly detatched and he knows I am seeking housing that does not include him. He isn't even drinking, and when he does get alcohol he has a few drinks, gets fuzzy and turns off his light and goes to sleep, for a good 16-18 hours. Der, he's extremely depressed. He barely move from his room.
The other day I went away for 24 hours and when I came home he was in his underpants, moaning that the internet had been cut off because he hadn't paid the bill. (I pay the elecricity, gas and phone, he has only to pay the internet). So I paid the internet as well. The dog and cat had pooped and peed all over the house (OMG he couldn't have let the dog out once?)
Well of course not, he has basically just stopped.
If someone knocks at the door, he comes and gets me, elbows me and whispers "there's someone at the DOOR" How weird is that.
The landlord has given us some extra time before we vacate but they want the lawn mowed. I am hiring someone to mow, it's going to cost heaps because the lawn is so long it's a big job. A just nods, yep, ok. You do that, mel. When are they coming to mow?
Last night our power went out and, I'm not kidding, my big strong man came out to the kitchen where I was cooking a delicious dinner for us, a paella with scallops and eggs and said "The safety switch has been tripped again. My computer has gone off" and he stood there looking at me accusingly and then went back to his room. Since i am his big brave husband, I went out to the fuse-box (which is actually in a really dark scary place) with daughter and dog and fixed it. Then I came back and served dinner and he complained that the scallops were over-cooked. No s*** sherlock, I left them cooking when I went outside to flip the safety switch.
Anyway I am not complaining, just observing. He is literally like an infant. Yet he asks why I am not interested in sex with him.
What?
Anyway I'm not really asking, just observing and venting a little. It makes me sad. He was a proud man once. If anything, I .was worried about his arrogance.
:-/
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 14th of July 2014 07:37:06 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Wow, I have had similar situations where I would have people come to fix things at the house and AH would hide in his room or in the office and not even come out to greet these strangers who were fixing HIS house. He saw the speaker cover fall from the ceiling while I was gone for a week, literally. He said he was sitting on the couch and it just fell. So, he picked it up and put it on the mantle. 2 weeks later and I got tired of dusting around the speaker cover so I went to the garage, grabbed the 6 foot ladder, and went in and fixed the darn thing. Took me all of 5 minutes. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting it sit there and waiting for him to take the opportunity to fix it, since he saw it happen, right?
UGH!
They are very immature, even when sober as my AH is now. As PP said, there's probably a mental illness wrapped up in all this. These boards are a great place to come to vent, I do it all the time. You are not alone!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
That's terrible and I am sorry you are watching him waste away.
My AH is not that far yet, but certainly deteriorating daily. When I don't think he is looking, I will just watch him & he has aged a lot in just the past year. He is in upper management and used to dress really nice, and care about his appearance. His clothes hang off of him and he will not adjust his size even with weight loss. He owns smaller clothes that he agreed to buy. I took him to a nice store and had him fitted, but they hang in the closet with tags. He said he is waiting for the other clothes to "wear out". His mom still buys him large, and he now wears a small. He wears them because she bought them. She lives in another state and would never see him. It is so weird. I don't know how long he can keep up the charade at work. He has to break soon, and mess something up or come in w/ alcohol on his breath. His bosses know he drinks because I have told them. All the men in his family died in mid 50s, and he is at 51 now. I don't know if this will speed up that family history.
Since I went back to work I had to stop doing some of what I used to do which includes the yard. He mows a small patch and my son does the rest. Should be interesting when he goes to college soon. No one pulls weeds or trims shrubs, etc. I recently hired someone to come and pull out the dead plants that didn't survive winter, pull weeds, trim shrubs and mulch. That is almost $700. He watches TV for 5 hours every weekday after work, and all weekend, but can't spend an hour in the yard. I am not going to ask, or fight him. I am not going to have our property value dive so I will pay to have things kept up if necessary.
So, their disease does effect more people then just themselves. The selfishness is just beyound comprehension. But, I know, it is a disease. I am trying very hard to believe that even though I have accepted it at face value.
Stay strong and take care of yourself.
-- Edited by blessed on Monday 14th of July 2014 07:18:49 PM
Blessed, I had to start doing the same thing. I hired a lawn service and a pool service. I just couldn't do it all myself and he had no interest in doing any of those things around here and I got tired of asking him to help me, only to be met with empty promises or half finished jobs. I used to think my AH was addicted to TV because he has to have it on all day long and will fall asleep watching TV in his room. I don't even sleep in the same room anymore because of the TV, his snoring, and well alcoholism in general.
We learn to take care of ourselves in this program, and that's where our strength shines through. Keep coming back!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Hiring a lawn service is next. So you guys live with actual grown babies too? I can't stay with mine because he gets violent, sometimes. But honest, you live with guys who just lie around like children while the lawns grow to waist height, the bills pile up and they just lie there, watching youtube and playing games? This is happening to other people?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Mine has slept on the coach for months. I have a bad back (spinal cord injury) and I have to sleep on a good mattress. I didn't ask him to sleep there, he said until he felt loved he would sleep there. Whatever. I say he hates me, but he hates himself and blames me, like everything else. I am coming to this realization that it is all internal hate, anger, and whatever else he is covering up. But, I can't help him & I can't fill up his empty spaces. He has to do that with his HP.
He is violent yet, but he doesn't get very mean/angry and thrust out his bottom jaw when talking to me, almost all the time. He hates when he has to talk to me - it kills him. He is self-destructing and doing that, "hate is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to die" thing. But, because his demeanor and personality, and just everything has changed so drasticlly over the years, I don't put anything past him anymore. I keep protection close to me, and a phone to call 911 if needed. I won't hesitate to call for help, and protect myself.
The more I read, the more I think this is not going to end "happily ever after".
Blessed...aside from the alcoholism, marital therapy researchers (Gottman) have been able to predict divorce at over 90 percent when contempt for each other is there. You sound like you are both there.
I don't have a A living with me but my SO slept for 16 hours Saturday. He does this every weekend. This weekend I did the same thing though. He doesn't do anything around here anymore. I can keep up the inside but the outside is going to hell. When he woke up Saturday night I didn't say anything to him and he got all mad at me. I was being a B.....
Oh well......I will be gone soon. He is too much of a burden on me now.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Yes it is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. Truly and you're watching end stage development of the disease if it is not arrested by total abstinence. We cannot get them sober and clean and we cannot get sober and clean for them. Stand back a ways and watch this life threatening disease kill. This should be an advertisement run right alongside all of those alcohol advertisement so that consumers can see the reality of addictive consumption of a poison is. Sad and beyond rational. (((hugs)))
I used to feel like I was caring for a 210lb infant how scary is that??? At least with a real baby they aren't as heavy and easy to rock to sleep. Lol. Once I really started to see that my marriage was more like a mother/ child relationship, I knew I was done. Real kids are hard enough to care for. An adult child is even harder.
And yes...my AH slept a lot and didn't do much but maybe go to work. Ironically he does more now after I moved out. Too little too late. His hobby is buying stuff he doesn't need. And maybe doing some yard work. And not looking for a job.
It's not a new thing, obviously, I barely think about him anymore but when he came and waited for me to go out in the dark stormy night and fix the power for him like a little kid while he waited inside safe and warm it really struck me as insane, I just kept shaking my head and thinking "huh?" it really has all been so insane!!!! He's meant to be moving in with his brother and his fiance, I seriously think it's going to be a huge horrible shock for them, noone has any idea how far he has deteriorated. Oh well, thats enough thinking about A for this month, on to better more productive things now....
Hugs to everyone else who is living with a giant hairy infant!!! I'm so glad you guys are here and remind me that this is not unique or just "happening to me". I walked a certain path and made certain kinds of choices to get here. And I can walk a different path and make different choices and hopefully get to somewhere better too. Yay!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Jerry MIP needs a like button just like FB. I like your post. They can't advertise cigarettes anymore and the things they have to but on the packages can be very scary. Also the commercials they do run about cigarettes is about people with terrible things that happened to them because of cigarettes.......... but every other fricken commercial can be about alcohol and they hit the younger crowd channels also. All fun and games.....joy and love. It's pisses me off to no end.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
And - according to our President - marijuana is no more harmful than alcohol. That sentence sure makes me rest easy as I watch alcoholism eat away at loved one after loved one. Fortunately, there are some of us who know that it is harmful and so we don't smoke it and we don't drink it. Thanks, HP, for waking us up.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 15th of July 2014 10:16:11 PM
I was living with, not an alcoholic, but pill abuser. To such an extent, Missmeliss, that he claimed to be paying bills with our money, but now that I finally kicked him out, locked him out, etc. am getting bills from all our creditors that things weren't paid. These guys are amazing and don't get how much they hurt their loved ones. Mine will be getting the shock of his life tomorrow when the police show up to his work and take his car from him. It's in my name and has been reported as stolen. Mine was also no help around the house at all, and the place became a pig sty. I work many hours a week, and would come home, take care of my son and make sure homework was done, and all my SO would do was put on his sweats and sit on the couch and watch tv and go outside and smoke. Disappear many times over night to find his drugs. Get mad at me if I wouldn't give him money since he spent all his.
