The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everybody. I'm new here and I'm not really sure where to start...
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He is a really great man. Good to my son (from a previously relationship) and to my whole entire family. The problem is, he is an alcoholic. He tries to find every reason and every excuse to drink. "I was in the marines. I was in an abusive relationship that screwed me up. My mother passed away. I'm happy. I'm stressed. It's a beautiful day. I'm on anxiety medication. My back hurts." He finds every reason in the book but honestly, he doesn't even need a reason at this point.
Lately, the drinking's been getting worse. Getting himself hurt. Disrespect yelling and cussing at me in front of anybody and everybody. Blacking out but thank GOODNESS! he hasn't hit me!... yet... And I WILL NOT let him take that chance! I love him, I really do and I know he really loves me too. When he's not drinking, he's the man I want to marry. We're never fighting we laugh we communicate we're just...happy. He is the man I want to make a family with. He's such a great guy but when that DEMON appears, it's a whole different story. Anyway,
We live together and I just had about enough. I asked him to move out. When I met him he was staying in a hotel so that's where he'll be going back. I told him that I'm finally realizing that I can't change him and that I need to focus on myself and my son. So I gave him an ultimatum, if you want to drink, you go right ahead but you will never see me or hear from me but if you decide that you want to spend time with me, you WILL be sober when doing so. I'm not sure how this will help, but I need some advice and opinions from you guys. I would greatly appreciate it. The way I look at it is, if he does decide to feed into these demons, we're probably going to grow distant and then eventually I would turn numb and not give a damn about him and move on. Or two, he realizes he had it really good and he misses what he had so he wants to change and come home. Well if you want to come home you're going to have to go to AA.
I'm just lost and I need somebody to talk to. I appreciate your time!!
That's an appropriate name, that's exactly how it feels to share a life with an alcoholic. If only love was enough to cure the alcoholic, but that's not the reality. The reality of it there is no cure for them, only abstinence.
You don't sound quite as lost as you think, and seems like you have set up the proper boundaries for yourself and your family.
Recovery would be a start for your boyfriend, but it is still a long road to recovery. Its all up to him.
Recovery for you would be a start for your serenity and the best way is to find an Alanon meeting. For we sometimes don't realize how much the drinking has affected us. Keep coming back here to get the support and the sharing of everyone's experience with the alcoholic.
We are here for you and you won't feel so lost.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Beatrice on Monday 14th of July 2014 12:08:21 PM
hello. Welcome to MIP. I wish I could give you a fairytale possible ending but the reality is we are not promised that with a person who has this disease. Unless our loved one gets into treatment and a recovery program like AA in earnest, the disease will continue to progress and you will see less and less of the person you want to marry. You can rant, rave, insist, change your living arrangements and that will have no affect at all on the disease. Even if the person with this compulsion gets into treatment, they receive a daily reprieve only. The disease will never be cured once and for all. If you choose to marry him, you are choosing to accept that he is probably an A and susceptible to this disease and its isms. Our As can also go to AA meetings daily, but if they choose not to work the program for themselves, it won't result in any real changes for them.
Our suggestion for you is to enter the recovery rooms of Al-Anon for friends and family members of people with this disease. Often, although we can see what the disease is doing to our loved ones, we can't always see what it is doing to us. In Al-Anon you will be able to obtain the help you need to face and overcome the ways you have been affected by the disease in its push and pull patterns. He is sick both when he is apparently very loving and he is sick when he is drunk with blackouts or major behavior changes. In Al-Anon, you will also be able to learn more about this disease and better understand yourself and your bf and how this disease plays out in your relationship.
As Battina said, you don't sound very lost to me. You have good boundaries, and some good reasoning in place for your decision. The next best thin you can do is go to Al Anon, you will find plenty of other people with similar experiences who can support you. And once you are at Al Anon, you will discover that you can't change him, and that you didn't cause the drinking, can't control the drinking, and can't cure him of it either.
Therefore, changing you is what it's all about. And you have changed the way you approach him. Now having Al Anon will help[ to strengthen that.
Thank you Bettina. Those are very uplifting words especially after so much of me putting myself down. i often tell him and myself that i am not perfect and that i need help as well.
grateful2be, i appreciate your honesty. I know that what you're saying is true, but i just don't want to believe. I'm optimistic and i just want to believe he can get better.
Maybe i'm just as sick as him.. wanting to hold onto false hope.
thank you so much for your support kenny. These are all very encouraging words and i'm excited about changing myself! all i can do is become the best me i can!
I am a mother of a 25 yr son who just recently had to make him leave my home. You sound like you are on the way to setting good boundries with your boyfriend. It is hard and painful for us that love those that have substance abuse. Its even harder to to be the ones that have be the grown-ups and do the steps it takes for ourselves to not let our loved ones drag us into thier misery. Welcome and I am a newbie here also :)
I am so happy for you that you found alanon. You seem bright and thoughtful and full of life. I was too. Then I accepted the unacceptable. It's taken years to recover. I'm thankful for the things I learned but I ignored my daughter and will spend the rest of my life trying to live amends (make it up to her,so to speak). She is an adult and yes she says she loves me but I see the emptiness in her eyes when we have a reason to speak of the ugly past. It is aweful! Alcoholism without treatment never gets better, only worse for all involved and children who are involved grow up to be adults with scars that last forever.
I know this is harsh,,but I would say anything needed to spare someone else from knowing what I know about what I did to my daughter (s) but mostly the one who was still young when all this was going on.
