The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, my husband has been an addict for 10+ years, and throughout that time I have never shared this with my family. His family is knows and provides him their support, but mine are in the dark.
We separated when he went to treatment (which is how he hit bottom and ended up going), and now we seem to be living in limbo, we don't know exactly what we're doing with our marriage. When he was gone, I told my family that we separated and that we would most likely end up in divorce. Of course, since they know nothing they believe that his past erratic behavior (no shows, losing jobs, out of work for long stretches, my ups and downs) were a sign of him just being a crappy husband. So he has been labels a lazy SOB and I am labeled the pathetic wife who puts up with it. Now that he has moved back in, they of course, are in shock and don't understand why I'm doing this. I feel like I am getting some type of back lash for them being involved in my life while he was gone, and now being put on the "side" while I figure out what the heck I'm doing. They are taking it personal because they aren't aware, I think they feel like as soon as he came back in my life I forgot about them. Given, I am not spending as much time with them as I did, I just bought a house, work full time and am in school............I can only gather the strength to deal with those things right now, let alone having to put on an entertaining face around my family. I just don't have it in me right now, is it because he's back?? Probably, but more because I don't know if we're going to try in this marriage or not, I feel lost, alone and confused.
Do I share this with my family? They are the most judgmental people alive and would never handle it in a caring way, they would tell me to leave him and not understand all that goes along with someone and their addiction. That I hate the addiction, not the addict. Is telling them for them, or me?
I'm betting they probably already know and since they have him chalked up as a lazy SOB anyhow, they won't be surprised even if they didn't know. I wouldn't stress because their opinions sound like they are made. This info will change nothing. If you needs support, it's better to get it from folks in Alanon. Do you have a sponsor?
I went to my first meeting Saturday, no I don't have a sponsor. I am completely lost, alone, confused and unsure of ANY decision I need to make. Seems like I can't even cross the street without second guessing myself. I cannot keep a clear and steady mindset, I don't know what I'm really thinking.......are they real thoughts, or just my temporary thoughts............am I losing my mind.
All thoughts are temporary, sunrise. They often come and go unbidden. You aren't losing your mind. You aptly described where you are right now, in limbo - the in between place. When in doubt, don't is a suggestion that can help you as you learn to work your program and listen for the guidance that your HP is willing to give to you in relationship to your husband and the marriage.
I don't see that it is a problem for you to share with your family how much you love them and also how your hours are currently filled with doing what you need to do for you. Sharing that your husband has a disease that neither of you have control over and that you are getting help for the ways that disease has affected you, too, might be information that would be helpful to you and to them? Keeping it simple and honest and clean with your family might help dispel some of the fear they might be feeling and the disappointment that they might be feeling, too, in not getting to spend as much time with you now?
Sunrise I am pleased that you attended your first Al-Anon meeting and reached out for support. Living with the disease of alcoholism, our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become confused and unreasonable without even knowing it.
Al-Anon suggests that we make no major life changes for the first six months in program because it takes some time in order to develop constructive tools and let go of the anxiety, fear and negative tools that we used while living with the disease. During the first six months in program, you will regain your courage, serenity, and wisdom and your self-esteem and self-confidence will be restored.
Meetings, sharing, working the steps all will work together to help you make a valid decision for your life. Families want to be supportive and show that they love you but in dealing with alcoholism they cannot understand the depths that this disease as touched in you. Al-Anon members have been there and understand his few others can.
