What the A does or does not do should not surprise us! - Al-Anon Family Group

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

What the A does or does not do should not surprise us!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

That is good support and great awareness. I learned like that also when m sponsor taught me to kill my irrational expectations. An addict is and addict is an addict and that goes for the alcoholic also. It is incurable and only can be arrested by total abstinence. You were there for her. Right on. ((((hugs)))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great that you learned and then shared your information with such Courage and Wisdom . That is how the program works.
Prayers and positive energy for the upcoming week.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

That was such a freeing realisation for me too. Its about us having our tools that protect us from the addict, they are predictable. My insanity was when he said, I wont drink again, and I believed him, over and over again. Thats growth right there.x

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Right el-cee. Unfortunately I did the same thing. I kept waiting for him not to drink. Over and over again until finally I had enough. He had to lose his family to get him to understand the seriousness of his actions.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

After a good long while in recovery, you might begin to see the A change in some very positive ways for them...but it may never be in the ways you specifically wanted and expected even if they do stop drinking. Hence, alanon has us focus on ourselves.

blessed · Senior Member

I've read a lot of that as well, exept I have seen only 3% of A recover, and most of those relapse a few times. It is very discouraging. But, we have to decide if we can live like this, or leave. I see no other options and that is very depressing.

My AH meets w/ a counselor (former addict, now Pastor) that I set up who is doing the AA steps w/ him but he is just doing it to say he is going. I don't know if he will continue and eventually get w/ the program or quit like every other "program" or counseling he has ever attended. Generally he only continues if I go w/ him so he has a distraction and someone to blame, me. When I step back he can't hide, so quits. I have recently stepped back from joint counseling and go to AlAlon instead. I don't ask about it. I have asked him to pay the man for his time as it is a ministry of a church we are not members but a friend of mine works there and he took us on as a favor to her. The least we can do is support their church, and his time.

During this time I will work AlAnon. I need to get a sponsor, but just haven't felt that nudge, "that's the one." I hope I find that person soon as I think it will help me. I am still not sure how that works, but will take is slow and wait on my HP to line those things up.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

You know I always think that whatever he does will no longer surprise me .. LOL .. that is so not the case it always surprises me and I am always left wondering WTH .. and I really should get .. this is what he does .. thanks for the reminder that he is who he is and he is an A .. God love him because I no longer do.

Hugs S :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

YAY!!! You just made a huge step in your progress!! to accept they are an A and an A is going to do what they are! Accept them as is. Even if they have been in recovery ten years, if they relapse, the do.part of being a.

Now i sure hope you feel the freedom you will be blessed with now. this is a miracle accomplished. I am seriously happy for you. some never get to reach this.

Its like a duck swims in the water uno?

smiling from ear to ear for you and your A!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

What PinkChip shares reminds me of the suggestion to the spouse of going to open AA meetings to hear the shares of the fellowship that is working the program and sharing their ESH on what it was for them, what they found out and what it is like now. Knowing that side of it helped me to understand how cunning, powerful and baffling this disease really is. I was often surprised because of my expectations that it would change while no changes were being made by either my spouse or I. If nothing changes...nothing changes. If I focus on "them" or "it" or "that' my focus is off of me. My alcoholic/addict spouse got clean and sober several years after we divorced and while I thought that it was done...my HP showed me it wasn't over until it was over because HP used the way my spouse got clean and sober as a metaphor, the best metaphor I've ever gotten for Humility...She started the first two weeks of her recovery in a hospital rehab with a bag over her head telling the others who were also there and asked why that, "I have come to understand that if I will not allow myself to be blindly led thru recovery...I will never make it". How's that for humility and willingness and courage? I thought she would die first....Teaches me to never second guess or leave out the hand of God. (((((hugs))))) smile

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for your perspective PC and Jerry. This is how I know my AH is not in recovery. He doesn't think he needs AA. He thinks by him now knowing that alcohol is poison, he just won't drink it. Simple as that. Maybe he will never drink again. Only God knows the future. Not me. I just know I can't live with him to find out if he is sober or not. It's too risky.
Debilyn: thanks for your encouragement. I am taking one step at a time.
blessed: you will find a sponsor when the time is right. My sponsor is like a second mom to me. I feel so grateful. I hope you find one soon.

Talllady · Member

I had to separate myself from my addict partner. I loved him more than anything, but his behavior was one that was causing too much chaos in my life. I still love him at this very moment and will miss him for a very long time. But he became a completely different man. Dishonest, would disappear for long hours or even days, always in search of that high. the last straw was this past weekend when he said he was going to a meeting and afterwards we would meet for a movie. He stood me up and haven't seen him since. He sent me an "Im sorry" email after I shut off his phone for the last time. I am done. I cannot do this anymore. He is destroying me and my teenage son. So why do I still miss him and wish he didn't end up in this abyss of drugs. I don't get it. He acted as if he truly loved me. I feel like such an idiot

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Talllady. You are not an idiot. I still wish my marriage wouldn't be ending. But I know nothing is going to change. You are doing the right thing and it takes time to heal.

giraffe13 · Senior Member

Talllady he did love you. You are not a fool. The disease makes them 2 different people, and they always feel bad on one hand about those things internally, but then keep doing it b/c the disease takes the front seat! its horrible.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Jan. 19, 2005 -- The road to recovery from alcoholism is not only possible, it's also fairly common. More than a third of U.S. adults who were dependent on alcohol are now in full recovery, says the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA).

"Many people can and do recover from alcoholism," says NIAAA director Ting-Kai Li, MD, in a news release.

And I think the odds are even better now. That's what I think..... I will always have hope

((( hugs )))

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

My husband has about 7 years of recovery and is doing well. We are growing as a couple and individuals...there is hope.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Statistics are not important to me. What is important to me is reading how many of us on MIP are either in recovery from alcoholism or living with someone who is recovering from alcoholism or people we know who are struggling to overcome alcoholism. My Al-Anon groups all have double winners in them and AA here has multiple meetings all week long. I'd rather focus on who is living rather than who is dying as that gives me hope. John posted his story that he shared with a recovery group. It may be a good thing to listen to when some of us are getting discouraged and are losing hope that our loved ones have a chance. My grandmother drank most of her life as did her Mother. They both died in their 90s - Grandma at a few months shy of her 99th birthday and Mama at about 96. Both died of cancer. And - in their 90s - who cares? I'm glad the NIAAA gives more than a third of US adults as their measure of people in full recovery. I also find myself wondering what groups posted the other statistics at 3, 5 or 15% recovery? Oftentimes, I see these statistics posted by organizations that want to sell their successful program and put down others. And - would those who died of alcoholism at a younger age than others of us still died young if they weren't alcoholics?

Hope - as Cathy has - is something I, too, want to feel and spread. I do know we have to be realistic about this disease and how it affects our loved ones and us, but I do find myself wondering if sometimes I focus too much on the negatives and rob myself of joy and hope. I have known several people who appeared to me as if they were at death's door due to addiction and alcoholism, rallied and are living productive lives. There is hope. There is always hope for us and for our loved ones.

blessed · Senior Member

The more I apply this truth; the more peace I have. There is no reason to worry because it is going to happen as long as they are not in active, or serious, recovery. Recently, I was asked by a counselor, "Can you prove in a court of law he is drinking?" Well, I don't have to. I know it and proving it doesn't change anything. So, he is a good liar and hides his booze well. He is a closet drinker. I want to say, "Prove you are not drinking."

So, I don't have to look for bottles, or watch for typical behavior. He is an A, and that is that. He does what A's do; he drinks. He will continue to be an A as his recovery is but a show to say, "I am seeking help" to his boss who is in as much denial as the A.

Thank you for the reminder to not get caught up in the game (disease) of alcoholism. I know he is drinking. He knows he is drinking and God knows he is drinking. Does it really matter, to me, if anyone else knows? No, not one bit.

Thank you so much for this great share.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.