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For the past several years as AH drank more and more and the hatred and distance grew I dreamed of being done with it all, now that I know it isn't all personal and he's sick and he has been trying to control his drinking it's so much harder to make the break. I feel like a yo-yo, one day/hour I am done and want out, the next I feel sorry for him and think I am making too big a deal out of everything, he hasn't been drunk for a couple weeks, etc. I read in an earlier thread "once you decide your done you go into a downward spiral if nothing changes" or something like that. It's so true in my case, 3 weeks ago I decided that I was certainly done, I had cried the last time with him passed out on the couch, it wasn't so much he drank that night but the kids and I had been gone for 6 days and on the drive home realized how much dread I had in going home. Felt so GOOD the next day, and it worried me that I was so happy! Met with counselor the next day to make sure I wasn't just seeing my side or missing something, then when asked when I said I planned to that night as I was going to be gone over the weekend and give us both space. Wellll I was leaving the kids with him and his parents and counselor suggested I wait as I didn't know how he'd react to this and he could take the kids off somewhere or who knows. So I waited, told my MIL before I left to please watch out for the kids as she wouldn't see AH drink but kids weren't safe when he was And gave couple examples ... That was fun! She seemed surprised and I felt guilty for saying anything, she didn't bring it up anymore after I was home.. Anyway his parents stayed until the middle of next week so made excuse that didn't need them around when we talked, well now it's going on week 3.... The weekend away from the kids was hard, I was with friends which helped, but with visitation it would be way more often and I planned on telling him any visitation would be supervised - then I start thinking who the heck am I to decide that what a witch - it all boils down to fear - fear of not being with kids all the time (and honestly that makes me angry, I'm not the one who's made these choices) but yet I am making a choice to separate the family, fear of ruining a marriage almost 2 decades, and of being alone. Most of the fear I can get through except the visitation, if he calls my bluff and brings it to court the lawyer I consulted said it wouldn't be supervised (no proof). I know I am not exaggerating that they are not safe with him when he's been drinking.
Sorry for the rambling, just feel like a coward for not following through. I didn't think 10 months ago my anger would subside (mostly) and I would be having a difficult time making a break. He is clueless, last weekend he was talking on how good he was doing (he was mad I wouldn't let him drive son to sport practice) and he's made so much progress, and he wants to rebuild trust, blah blah blah. I said I thought a break would be good for us, he said he didn't want to move out it wouldn't help anything, and I didn't say anymore, couldn't be more forceful and make it clear it wasn't a choice....
Kerrymom: We cannot worry, demand, punish, scare or browbeat ourselves into changing what we can change. We can also ask for what we want and who cares what one attorney says. Our source of help is our HP and not the opinions of attorneys. You are not destroying a marriage of 20 years and you are not a witch for wanting supervised visits with your children because you know that he does drink and he drinks to excess. I can understand your fear of being alone and you were alone for six days and you felt good. Going back home you felt dread. If you know you want to separate yourself and your children from your husband, you can do that without filing for divorce. Right now, to me, it sounds as if you haven't really been able to make a decision on what it is you truly know you want and need to do to take good care of yourself. My suggestion is to up your meetings at Al-Anon and talk this over with your sponsor if you haven't already done that? Reacting to fear, anger or pity for another by making decisions we might not be able to live with and acting on them is usually not adviseable. Talking things over and reasoning things out with your sponsor or another trusted Al-Anon member who is really working their program might be a conservative step to take that won't result in backlash for you that you may not be ready for right now? (((KM))) Easy does it.
Easy does it, is a good one. Your working your program, the changes will come and they come quickly. You are living with an alcoholic, such a hard thing so be kind to yourself, your not a coward, your just not quite ready yet, but you will be if your in alanon.
You cant control his drinking and you cant control the father he is or any future mistakes he makes. If he has access then that is out of your hands, all you can do is gather evidence to convince courts that he cant be trusted. I would gather it now if you can.x
Having lived through the crappiness of being in a relationship with a drunk and also now that I am sober...I can pretty much tell you, I'd leave and worry about everything else later. That is now my absolute boundary....I'm never going to be around drunks again. I wasted half my life doing that...chasing around a drunk...I even made myself into one. I don't minimize how awful it is. So when you start with the negative self talk such as "I'm making a big deal out of it...busting up a family..." NO! It's horrible to repeatedly watch someone poison themselves, check out of life...act crazy....it's horrible. Nobody should have to stick around and watch that. It's torture. I literally just got married and I think if I came home to find my partner drunk and passed out - I'd be making plans to get my own place. Not doing that again.
As far as suffering for your children - Most alcoholics can't be bothered with visitation much. He never has to act like a responsible parent when he knows you will be the one...Your kids aren't "safe" witnessing drunkenness right in their face every day. This sets you up to be a martyr and that is a horrible way to live. Yes, it's a disease and it's good that you feel compassion for him but what about you? Also, the disease really has him thinking he's "cutting back" and "doing better" when nothing is changing. Might as well make some changes if that is what you want and need.
Don't beat yourself up or feel like a coward. However, don't be tortured and paralyzed into inaction by lack of faith in your HP (because he/she/it will take care of you and your kids) and by your own anxious inner dialog. And I'm not saying leaving is the only right action...but as you said...nothing changes if nothing changes.
(((KM))) Your words could have come from my keyboard. That awful feeling of "is it ME? is it HIM? am I crazy for wanting to leave? am I crazy for not leaving yet?" and all the endless inner dialogue and turmoil...as Pinkchip said, it really is torture. Just horrible. I don't have any wise words, really, because I'm stuck in the same quicksand right now. But, I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, not to force myself to do anything one way or the other, and to have faith that when the right moment to make a change comes, I'll recognize it. Al-anon is helping quiet the madness in my head, and helping me to to detach a bit. But, still, the prospect of ending a 20 year marriage and unraveling the only family my children have ever known is terrifying. Good luck to you. May weand our families--find peace and happiness.
Thank you everyone, I'm realizing there isn't going to be an easy out - thought he would be back to drinking nightly and passed out - in my mind that would be an easy decision and justified reason to leave. Have to remember I am justified and not overreacting. Called for counseling for my son today, he is terrified of being alone even to go to his room to get something (we have a 1 story house) at first thought it was a stage but thinking its more than that now - one hour at a time will get thru
