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Well, I went and put my foot into it, good and proper like. I was doing well, trying to do my own thing, take care of my own needs, all that jazz. I had been ignoring that he'd been drinking again, not my problem. I knew he was upset about something, but whatever. I just can't seem to leave things alone. I picked the worst possible time to tell him how I felt disconnected, that I wished he would take more initiative to do things together, that I felt more like roommates Than husband and wife. And, despite me really trying to communicate, everything deteriorated into crap. Yay. I should have waited to have the conversation when he was sober, when he wasn't so defensive, when I wasn't angry. Crap. Just....crap crap crap.
Be gentle with yourself Spider. You took an action and the results were not what you would have liked. Examine your motives, learn from the experience, forgive yourself and then move on. Go for a walk, go to a meeting. That is how program works.
Don't be so hard on yourself. We're not perfect. Just start your day again and move forward. My favorite Al-Anon slogans: "Think" and "One Day at a Time."
Sis we are not about perfection...just progress (reminded about that at my morning meeting). We go with the best decisions we make and then the rest of the world has its say or just the alcoholic. Done deal...you made your choice and followed thru...done deal....period. How he handles it is his choice and varies because of whether he is under the influence or not. You trusted...YAY You spoke up...Yay You allowed him the dignity of his response Yay He's responded Yay It didn't come out according to your will. It has come out that way before and at other times different. Well done. 10th step it...the good, the bad, the ugly and pat yourself on the back for surviving it. YAY!! Keep coming back...I love the metaphor (picture) from this post. ((((hugs))))
I also just made a pretty big realization. I blame him. I blame him for everything. My husband is the reason I haven't really gotten into riding my motorcycle. My husband is the reason I don't work out more. My husband is the reason I don't practice my harp more often. My husband is the reason why sh*t doesn't get done around the house. I have to do everything, no wonder I'm tired all the time. Etc, etc, etc. He is the reason my life in not the way I envisioned it.
And not just that. Not only do I blame him, but because I know he's a good person, it's really the alcohol that's to blame. That's the root of all my problems (not my own laziness, not my own lack of discipline). It's the alcohol's fault. That's why things are bad.
No wonder he feels like I blame him for everything. I do. And yet, I cry foul and beat my fists saying it's not fair.
Yep. Its all the alcohols fault. I swear I effectively repeated thst to myself for months, maybe years. What a great exxcuae I had not to do anything to make me better! The realization you just had was very powerful for me, hopefully likewise for you.
I also just made a pretty big realization. I blame him. I blame him for everything. My husband is the reason I haven't really gotten into riding my motorcycle. My husband is the reason I don't work out more. My husband is the reason I don't practice my harp more often. My husband is the reason why sh*t doesn't get done around the house. I have to do everything, no wonder I'm tired all the time. Etc, etc, etc. He is the reason my life in not the way I envisioned it.
And not just that. Not only do I blame him, but because I know he's a good person, it's really the alcohol that's to blame. That's the root of all my problems (not my own laziness, not my own lack of discipline). It's the alcohol's fault. That's why things are bad.
No wonder he feels like I blame him for everything. I do. And yet, I cry foul and beat my fists saying it's not fair.
Wow.
Well said. I can relate with this. the blame game is no fun. I've been there so many times. I have found it has seeped into other relationships. I think sometimes I overcompensate over reacting toward other people when I don't think something is fair, because in my experience the A never hears you when you rant and rave at them. But other healthier people hear you if you rant at them. I used to lash out a lot at people ( i'd have this I'm right and you are wrong attitude) but i really try not to anymore and I practice avoiding confrontation now. But I used to be drawn to confrontation and I am pretty sure it was because of alcoholism.
I also think that with alcoholics blame and anger just bounces off them. So why can't I be like that when they drink? Just let it bounce off me and think "whatever their problem" and get on with it. I am also guilty of thinking if only alcoholism wasn't here , things would be perfect and he would be perfect but that isn't true either.
(((Hugs))) hope you are taking it easy on yourself. I too blamed my AH and the alcohol for everything, didn't realize my depression and role in what was going on. Take care of you!
No you haven't stopped working out...that was a pretty good work out...now what do you do with it using the program again. Love to see how this is done...Mahalo ((((hugs))))
That was a great share spider, more was revealed to you and for me its the key to recovery, self awareness and working on our own shortcomings. I bla,ed everything on my ex too and he was a brilliant excuse that allowed me to check out of living life just as he was.x
I love that you have such a great list of things that you would like to be doing, as I type this I'm envisaging you on that motorbike then taking off your leathers and getting into a bit a harp practise - that is one unique combination you've got there! I absolutely love it!
You are never going to like his alcoholism....but yes - It need not be the reason to hold YOU back. Lots of why people relapse is similar thinking on the A's part. They stop drinking and they still have problems....go figure. Drinking is a symptom of the problem, just like everything you are describing. Symptoms of not being spiritually fit, not being connected to others, not living in today, not working on gratitude....A's have the same problems, but they drink to stay stuck...really the only difference...
...I'm envisaging you on that motorbike then taking off your leathers and getting into a bit a harp practise...
Lol, yeah, that one kind of sticks out among my interests. I love baking, and reading, and gardening, and playing harp, and MOTORCYCLES!
Thank you everyone for the support and kind words. I have a bad habit of, when things get good, to stop working on myself and the steps, thinking everything is 'fixed'. It's like someone with a mental health issue stopping their meds because they feel better. I have to remember that things are better because I've put the work in, not because everything is ok now.
It is tough. The alcohol & the person that consumes it is the cause of a lot of issues for many people. And it is hard to not put blame where it belongs. But blaming them only makes us crazy. Oh, I go back/forth on putting blame where it belongs, but with a brain damaged person it just is not beneficial to anyone.
I hate living w/ him and don't know how long I can live like this. But, I have committed to living one day at a time. And when that day comes, I will know it is time to move on.
Be kind to yourself. And just think how you will do it different next time. ;)
