The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this forum, but not to the program as I am certain my family has had a connection to AA since 1935. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family of perfection. No one outside of the family knows there is an issue and those on the inside are not allowed to discuss or challenge it. As a result, I grew up fearful of my feelings, opinions, being lonely and unloved. I never really understood why I always felt so bad about myself. I knew in my heart I was a good person, but every action I ever took was under the scrutiny of my ill mother. I can't state she is an "alcoholic" but she would consume bourbon on the rocks starting at 4pm until she went to bed (passed out) every evening since I was a child. My relationship with my family is poor. My mother is at the helm, triangulating and rallying everyone behind her. I am 53 years old and still scared of my parents. I have not spoken to my parents or siblings for 3 years and I have not seen or spoken to my children for 2. I was so devastated last summer I tried to commit suicide. Fortunately I was hospitalized for 2 weeks and learned I had severe clinical depression which runs in my family. I do know my grandmother's sister committed suicide and my sister tried 10 years ago.
We don't talk about these issues. I made the mistake of asking questions, and challenging my parents on the issue. My father is a retired physician. Both parents are only children from alcoholic families so basically I never stood a chance. I am the only person that acknowledges the issue. I am miserable, but at the same time grateful I escaped the toxicity of this relationship. My biggest fear is that I will never know my children (21 and 18) and that they will never know the "good" person I am today. I made horrible mistakes over the years, but got help; yet I am still being punished. I will never fully understand how this disease can dismantle a family's love and trust for one another as it has for me.
I am now throwing myself in to my work as a high school teacher, mentor, and friends who know and love me. I am grateful for these people in my life. If anyone has any advice on how to stay focused, and positive and not fall into self-pity; I am grateful for any response.
Lost Bird trying to find her home
-- Edited by Lost Bird on Sunday 13th of July 2014 02:46:04 PM
Welcome to Miracles in Progress Lost Bird You are no longer "lost" and have just connected with a supportive, compassionate community that truly understands the difficulties of which you speak
Living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely devastating and we develop terrible coping tools in order to survive.
Alanon is a fellowship of people who have lived with the disease. It was founded by the spouse of the founder of AA when she finally realized that although he was sober she had many issues that were entrenched within her from living with the disease. Meetings in your community is listed in the white pages Meetings help to break the extreme isolation caused by living with the disease.
Learning new tools to live by, letting go of the negative tools of my family, anger, resentment, self pity fear, gossip, perfectionism. judgmental ism all helped me to find my self, my self esteem and self worth
Living one day at a time, focused on myself works
Keep coming back
Thank you so much for your support. I feel so abandoned right now and betrayed. I refuse to let "their" guilt and resentment drive my life. I am trying to let go, but I am dealing with over 50 years of crap that has been entrenched since birth. I have to accept my family will not change, I can't control their thoughts or actions and my self-worth is not determined by their beliefs.
Great Robin I can truly identify and salute your acceptance of the situation. Alanon tools and the program wll repalce all the negative destrutive stuff we learned and replace it with constructive tools You are on your way.
We have on line metings hre 2xs a day and a chat room open 24.7 You are not alone
I go with I didn't get here over night and things aren't going to be cured over night however they do get better day by day.
I find the longer that I am in program the more I am able to find what works and what doesn't .. my parents are not A's however the ism's are rampant on both sides. I haven't spoken to my adopted dad in probably 7 years or so and he's now been out of my life far longer than he was ever in it. I'm not closed to the idea of reconciliation however at this point it would be on my terms not his. I let go of the guilt of not being good enough this last summer and I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to do so. I do not know what kinds of therapy you are open to however something that has helped me deal with trauma of the past has been EMDR and I have been very excited by the progress I have made with that and Alanon. Far more than traditional therapy eye movement desensitization movement is what I have participated in and it really changed my thinking a great deal. It has given me a new perception of alanon that I have enjoyed a great deal. It has really helped me push through a lot of trauma that I hadn't dealt with and now I'm more able to see things .. I wish I could explain it .. from a far different perspective is the best answer I can give. I put up with a lot less BS from the A in my life and I am able to detach easier from the drama factor that I have going on and it is a lot right now.
You aren't alone and I will say that my relationship with my mother has improved a great deal .. there is just a lot I have better tools and boundaries for and I'm very grateful for that. I am doing better at making better choices and forging better relationships with people around me real time as well.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I so appreciate your commentary. I ain't no sprung chicken when it comes to this disease. (Pardon the poor English) I have been in and out of therapy for over 30 years...yikes. I am the only family member willing to accept and work on this issue. I feel like a loner, but I also know I have the healthiest attitude. My mother is 78 years old and I doubt she will ever be willing to reconcile, I tried numerous times to no avail. I went through intense grieving last year as I accepted the loss of my family.
Today, I want to live my life free from drama and find a very healthy way to cope with pain. I want to live in today not in yesterday. The therapy method you mentioned, do you have more information? I am willing to try new things, and I am very scientifically oriented. Besides, my method of resolving problems sure could use a tune up.
Take care and thank you so much for your help and support.
Aloha Robin and welcome also from the Pacific Islands of Hawaii Nei....Great stuff to learn from the program was that I don't have to reconcile the whole family..just yourself. My amends (changing) wasn't to help the family understand and just understand that I had contributed behaviors into the family (regardless of the cause or justification) which needed to be mentioned out loud, apologized for and then altered so as to hardly happen again anywhere, anytime and with whomever I was with. I didn't and still do no amends to impress anyone else to suggest other responsibility. I aliened myself from my family too. As a child of the disease running away from the chaos was/is normal and not today because of Al-Anon. Now I alien myself with detachment and Letting go and not reacting. I love them even when I don't like what they are doing which is a choice decided by the consequences I desire. My family shuns me somewhat and how because I'm different than them (by choice) and that's okay cause there is no one so important in my life today that I will surrender my peace of mind and serenity over to knowing that I have a better choice. I wasn't born with instructions that I had to let others decide my happiness and HP didn't give me a list of people to take care of that didn't include me first at the top of it. "For this I am responsible". Keep coming back cause this works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
LOL .. me neither Robin .. my parents are both in their 70's as well.
I will PM you about it. It's very interesting and there is lots of information on the internet as well.
Big hugs, .. hey it really does get better .. for me it has just taken a while to really kind of grow up and what Jerry mentioned about what my part was that is what has played out most for me .. understanding what I can change and accepting the things that I can't ..
Big hugs :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
