The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in a relationship with a man for what will be 4 years, TODAY... But, as usual with him lately, he stood me up last night as we had a date planned to go on after his "supposed meeting". He has been using for as long as I know, and even lots that i don't know of. He is hooked on pills. They make him mean, moody, and just plain awful to be with. He is a walking zombie. We saw each other yesterday for a short while, and he acted all sweet and touchy and even cried when talking about times we shared. then he said we will meet for movie and dinner, and you know the rest. he didn't show up. I turned off his phone (everything is in my name, since he has screwed up most of his life) and he had the nerve to email me this morning, from somewhere that I don't care about, to say "I''m sorry". I truly need to move on. What is it with us that makes us believe these people, love them and have trouble moving on? I really need to let him go. I have been going to meetings all week, as I just began one week ago. I am going to one tonight, and, I have alot to share. I found this site last night on accident, by seeking alanon slogans to read over and over. I didn't have the patience to just read my book, which, by the way, I will be doing today. How Al Anon works. I know I will get stronger as time goes on, but i just needed to vent this out there, and know if anyone can give me some tools on how to stay strong, because i know this man will try harder and harder as i am not responding. I say the serenity prayer constantly and have turned this over to the will of God. But help. What else should I do?
Hello and welcome. I feel that the steps have helped me a lot. Start with step 1: we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. You can substitute alcohol with drugs if you need to. Whatever you are powerless over...then focus on yourself. Al anon is about examining yourself and caring for yourself. Discovering Choices is another good book. Also Paths to Recovery is a good book for working each step. Reading is good, but the work is what really helps. Try to find a sponsor after a few more meetings. Find someone you can relate to and whose shares you get something from.
Hope that helps.
Hi and welcome I am pleased that you have found alanon and are attending meetings. The program works when we work it and takes time and effort.
It is a process that you have just begun and are at the beginning. When I was at that point, I found that the slogans worked well for me. When I became anxious or upset, I recited the serenity prayer over and over until calm was restored. If I had a difficult assignment, I would again pray for courage and wisdom, remind myself to stay in the moment, not to project, let go and let God and keep it simple these little gems of wisdom worked wonders.
Thank you so much for your kind response. I have read you on many posts, and you seem so wise and centered. I know that I am at the very beginning of my long journey, and am very afraid. It upsets me, because i used to be the strongest woman i knew. But this man has taken my self esteem, my love, my caring and most of all my strength. I pray over time I can turn this over and move on. I am a person who likes results quickly, so this is a difficult yet learning task for me and the rest of my life. To just work it and be patient.
It is just so baffling to me that there are such selfish people, mean people in this world, who can con and treat people so terribly. I was not from a completely dysfunctional family, so all of this is rather new to me. What was it, in my life, that would make me gravitate to such a bad, mean man?
Thank you for your support and caring reply. I don't even understand how I let myself get into such a bad situation. Now is the time to really begin to focus on myself. It's hard. I am that woman who is always there to care for everyone else. Even my career, an Activities Director for a Senior living faciliity, is about giving and caring. It is very hard for me to just be patient and not expect results immediately. I am an immediate gratification type of person. I have so much learning to do. It's having to let go of this person that I am really having trouble with. And am not sure why it's so hard. He was nothing but pain, lies and heartache for me.
Tallady The Alanon program and members so understand the difficulty of leaving and or making decisions to change our lives It is recommend that we make no major life changes for the first 6 months in program That is so we can learn to regain our self esteem and develop new coping tools.
Living with the disease, we learn to focus on others, neglect our needs, use destructive tools to remain in the relationship and then find we are too afraid to change or leave, Alanon meetings, sponsor, Steps, slogans reading have all been developed to help to change that focus.
Aloha Talllady and welcome to the board...Best first slogan for me when I was a newbie was Easy does it and I was given a thought...don't beat up on myself for things I didn't know and I came to realize that I didn't know about alcoholism and drug addiction and didn't know that I didn't know. It was all very confusing for me at the start like we watch the newbies going thru when they first arrive and the slogan suggestions start to kick in as behaviors. Easy does it met up with "No is a complete sentence" and that helped me to slow down and not rush and react and get away from saying yes to everything I thought, felt and assumed that the alcoholic/addict wanted from me and wasn't even expressing. I enabled because I enabled and often without justification for it. I thought I was helping and I wasn't so I had to distrust my thinking for a while and use the thinking and experiences of my groups while I was learning. They came up with the thoughts, feelings and experiences and I did what they had done. Another slogan which helped me a lot was and still is "Don't react"!! When I keep in mind that my reacting didn't amount to anything worth keeping and that when I did I mostly increased the mess I was in I stopped reacting and started thinking before I decided if I was going to do anything or not.
Bad places can be changed anytime you want and that sounds trite and unbelievable however give yourself some margin and mercy and stay teachable and willing and the miracles will come for you. Trying to find normalcy out of an abnormal situation is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread you might just end up leaving with a buncha screws and nuts.
Keep coming back cause this program works when you work it and your MIP family is here with you. ((((hugs))))
Not surprising, many of us are social workers, teachers, and nurses. We are typically people with extraordinary caring personalities an gifts. Unfortunately, we don't receive lessons not to do this so much in relationships. Our caring instincts go into hyper drive and start working against us. We need Alanon to learn appropriate self care. I could not take loving care of myself for the life of me even though I found it natural to do that for others. Many times that resulted in me getting taken advantage of and being bitter and angry that the people I was with didn't give back emotionally what I felt I gave to them. So if you let this guy and this toxic relationship continue, it will come at the expense of you learning how to treat yourself right and then teach others how to treat you differently. Weak, needy, using people will sense you don't feel good alone or unless caretaking and it will continue. Take care of you! Let your HP love you. What I found out was that, as I spent more time on just me, my esteem went up, my neediness went down, and I stopped attracting losers. So as he amps up his pleas and attempts to get back together, remember your goal to that yourself well and only let people into your life who do the same. That will keep your focus on change where it needs to be. Stay busy with friends and Alanon and other hobbies. Don't let loneliness guide bad choices. Know that when you are ready, you will date again, but with better boundaries and putting forth a new you.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 13th of July 2014 05:36:52 PM
Wow, I am breathless having read your response to my situation. It's like you have been right here all along. I was falling asleep, but your response showed me such a LIGHT, it shocked me awake. You are so right. And yes, he is out for now, but like it has been in the past, he will come begging back with his "smooth talk and I need to be in a much stronger place with myself as to put up the boundaries against his bs. He has been toxic and not given me the love I have needed all along, and I refuse to go through that again. I know I let him treat me like a doormat. I don't want this ever again. I am so much better than that. thank you for your kind and strong words
How Al Anon works is a great book. Given your posts, you sound like you are ready to get much out of it! Keep going to those meetings and coming back here, and you just might find new attitudes and understandings!
You are doing great by going to so many face to face meetings. A good idea would be to ask and see if some of those meetings have a circulating phone list, in case you get in jam, a weaker moment, you can call a member and reason it out. I also go to the Conference approved literature, if I'm having a problem. I go to the back look in the index, try to decide what I'm dealing with in that moment, let's say it's detachment. I read all the pages on detachment. I know when I first came into the program, I could not decide if I wanted to end a relationship or not, I did not even know who I was, my life completely centered around others lives. With the program, I was able to get the focus back on myself, detach with love, and build my self esteem and love up. Service work and fellowship are good places to start to build trusting relationships in the program.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
