The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I'm still going through the motions...packing near completion...goodbyes being said...two days of tears...heart breaking...
Friday I set up time for my son to meet up with his half sister (AHs daughter from previous marriage)...they spent the afternoon together having fun then at the end of it all having to say goodbye for now...
Saturday was reserved for him to go to Grandmas and the cousins were to be there as well...then I had to pick him up and say goodbyes as well...
It's been hard...no lie...I hate goodbyes in general, but these circumstances make it extremely difficult...I am still working my last couple shifts, organizing around the clock what needs to go now and what can stay for a few months...and making sure my baby (he's 10 but still my baby) spends his last few days with his family and friends...
Sunday will be daddy time...I work my last day shift and once done, I have to finalize everything and pack up the vehicle. I still love this man, but I've been vocal with his brother and sister why I'm leaving...I'm not trying to hide it from them anymore....I'm not explaining anything, and do my best not to badmouth him with details of it...but I do let them know that it is my opinion that he is an alcoholic and needs help, and that I need to get my boy away from it all...I am however not saying much to his mother...just that I'm leaving, that I love her and giving her a hug goodbye...not sure, but think I'm still trying to protect his image with his mom even though I'm pretty confident his sister is letting her know why.
I'm feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, sad, angry, scared...and yet somewhat at peace with what's about to happen...I'm leaving...I have nothing but what makes it into the vehicle, no job prospects as of yet, and within two weeks, I'm going to be completely broke...but not broken...
I have a beautiful son...with a gentle sensitive heart...I have an amazing friend...who will support me financially and emotionally until I get on my feet....more friends that I love who will do what they can...and a little glimmer of hope that life is going to get much much better...
I know how painful this experience can be and in some cases how necessary it is to separate ourselves and our children from what we know is a severely toxic situation. Learning how to look for the lesson and for the blessing helps me stay more balanced and focused on my HP, myself and the next healthy steps that are possible for me. Keeping coming back. Hugs, encouragement and much understanding.
(((((Watts)))))....I read this post and the ODAAT daily reader reminds me that "Courage is fear that has said its prayers"...I am also remembering that "Leap of Faith" which the program and the fellowship helped me to take against all guarantees that what had happened for others could also be available for me. HP abided in and out of the program with me so that I could let go of the fear and sadness and guilt and pain and take the next step and then the next and then the one I am doing now. A member here in Hilo was telling me about part of her perception in making growth steps along with the consequences of them and mentioned "at one time I would have been afraid of making the change and now after 4 years in Al-Anon I felt a fear of "not" making the change. You are not alone...keep us with you whatever the distance and direction. In Support. (((((hugs)))))
You are doing something that takes a lot of courage and strength. Remember your HP is always with you I believe things happen for a reason. HP is in control, not us. Take care!
