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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> motives
Post Info TOPIC: motives
el-cee


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My sons new girlfriend has got a new house and he is moving in, they are like a family. She hasnt got much support from her own family but my family, wow, everyone is chipping in and helping out in all kinds of ways. Ive begun to question mine and my familys motives. Have we all jumped in to help through our own fears, hoping this will fix my son, is it enabling? I have checked myself and I have offered help where it suits me, I havent tried to control too much, maybe a little. They have got this home looking so nice and my family, including my ex ah have been amazing, so kind and helpful to them. I have this nagging doubt though like, are our motives good? I mean will this girl feel trapped in this relationship if my son goes off the rails because we have contributed so much. Im projecting and im trying to stay in the moment but this doubt is like a jaggy thorn, stealing my serenity so Im  throwing it out to you guys.x



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grateful2be


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What is happening today, elcee? What are your motives today in helping at the house? It only matters what your motives are today. The others' motives are their own. If they are happy today - the gf, your son, the baby - to me they are living in the day.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Cathyinaz


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If it was me doing this I KNOW what my motives were. I was doing it in hopes it would help my son. Nothing more. I saw the family....my son, her and her daughter. Family......that will fix my son.

I helped my son's girlfriend so much to keep my son safe and have a roof over his head. My motives were just plain wrong. In the end what I did just prolonged the outcome what should have ended much sooner.

I have made amends to his x and she has moved on to a happy life and that I am grateful for.

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el-cee


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Thanks for that, well I have enjoyed the babysitting, a little bit of painting, its been nice to be part of it all and I have enjoyed being with my son and seeing him in this new role. I really like his gf, she is so nice and were becoming friends. Im just taking the joy out of this time and this situation. I would love to think this is it from now on but im realistic and anything could happen but that must be true for anyone and anything. I know about enabling now, I cant unknow what I know so I think as long as alanon is close then I will mostly do the right thing. I think that might be good enough. Serenity may just have returned. X

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pinkchip


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It was ME who determined when my parents were helping versus enabling in giving me anything. If I chose to drink/drug, then their help turned into enabling. Right now, it sounds like helping but you are wary because you are knowledgeable about how it could become enabling. So...for today it is what it is...helping.

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SerenityRUS


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If I'm doing for others what they can do for themselves .. was I asked, am I doing it because I want to, am I doing it because I feel obligated or am I doing it out of fear. Those are just things that give me a self check into my own motives .. if I'm doing something that is loving someone to death in the literal sense .. then I'm probably enabling. It doesn't sound that way to me EL .. I think you know your own answer better than anyone else .. if you feel good then just for today it's all good.

Hugs S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Debilyn


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sounds like you got some clarity.

Your son is young, honestly we don't know if he is an A or not. Most all young drink and party, all that. The ones that are A will not stop.

We can hope and  pray he is growing up and being the person he is going to be.Maybe he Is one of the fortunate addicts who have less markers in his dna.

My AH was an A as far as I know, but he was only 27 when he died. Who knows if we had known about AA and Al anon what could have been.

I would have  loved to live with him forever. he was not a mean drunk, only drank once a month or so.

Anyway life is hard and it is natural to be concerned with our kids. I know for me I let it go. As I remember that they are not even worrying like I am!

Its my old age thing, sitting back and just watching, smiling in wonder at others....



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PP


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Trust that you will be able to tell the difference between helping and enabling, as you have very good sensorsaww



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Paula
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