Lost serenity - Al-Anon Family Group

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Lost serenity

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

so he clicks your buttons...don't turn on. that is his problem.

You are right, however when one spouse is an A, it is almost impossible to live with them. Someone just said living with one works better if we pretend we are single.

If one really wants to stay in the marriage, that one might want to initiate dates, pizza night, game night, movie night. day trips.turns cooking, clean house,do upkeep together.

Help the other build the marriage. A's are not good about thinking of others. So my way was to be in front of his face and shake him. lol not really, but I did get him to join me and i loved joining him. I even went to work with him, loved it. he was a remodel contractor.

Now my serenity is based on me keeping my HP number one. No matter what goes wrong or how bad I feel, my hp keeps me grounded and real.

Yes A's make this ghastly invitations, sometimes we get tricked and pulled in, but we can learn to not accept.

Its ok to feel as you do, something is telling you, hey this does not feel good.

What do you do together? What do YOU do for you?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a painful journey Mirandac That is why increasing my alanon meetings, working the Steps, living ODAT, refusing to surrender my hard won serenity works when I am distraught
Prayers

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

We dont do much together anymore. I try to find the time for meetings,
I work too many hours second and third shift. I am in home health care.
Very crazy hours.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Mirandac: If I worked second and third shifts in home health care, had very crazy hours and lived with a A, I would be crazy tired and ready for a break just to go to a movie, put my feet in a hot water bath, call a friend and ask them if they'd mind just making me a sandwich and a cup of tea or a glass of ice water and just let me rest with them for awhile. I'd be angry, too, and it would be telling me I need something just for me. Is this one of those HALT things?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Even the picture you paint here makes me tired. When I get that way my head goes to the first part of the first step...."We admitted we were powerless...and then the proof...and that our lives had become unmanageable". We I get there now I have no one to hold responsible for the condition cause its mine...all mine. I had a tool box full of excuses for why I was in the mess and when my sponsor made suggestions and I came back with "I can't" he would quick respond..."It isn't that you can't...its that you won't" (do a change or such) and then the light would go off and eventually I would arrive at "I'll try that right away". I stopped blaming and holding others hostage for what was going on in my life and became responsible to and for me. Loosing serenity sucks for me...I hate it and when that sucky feeling starts to arise I will scramble as hard as I can to get it back. How I handled "button pushing" was to imagine that I had a pair of wire snips that I carried with me and when I thought my buttons were being pushed I would go inside the panel behind the button and snip the wires and that fixed it for all time. I act more level now and don't react much in a negative way. It works when you work it. Go do an inventory and find out how much of what you're going thru is your responsibility cause it is that part that you can take care of not him. If there is someone else interfering in your relationship your inventory will show your part in it. If there isn't then you have nothing to dig up. "Helping" some one shouldn't be a threat unless you have a part to play in it. Ask him out on a date and make him pay!! lol (((((hugs))))) Keep coming back. smile

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for your support! This has been building up. I have getting the passive agressive approach
Lately from him. I am offbalance it is probably time to get off the crazy train and the marriage. He obviously
Is not interested in working on it. It has been a marriage of convience with benefits 2+ years. We have
Been living seperate lives. I enjoy my work enjoy quiet time at home. I am a homebody by choice. I do
Fun stuff when i can but dont have enough energy or time to complete all that i need to do plus rest and relax.
Seven hours a week i work at a clinic and we have a fun time enjoy the clients catch up. All very positive
People thank us all the time for being fun,kind, and making them feel good.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Mirandac: I was a person who got my strokes at work and grew dependent on those strokes. In a way, I was making my job my HP just as I had made my As my HP. I felt like I was a puppet on strings at times and truth was, I was. I grew very, very fatigued and finally got very, very sick. I tried to push through being sick for months, telling myself I didn't have enough time for rest and relaxation. One day, as I stood in my nightclothes in my kitchen trying to work up the energy to get dressed and fight winter roads to get to work, what came to me was this: "It is not your HP's will that you should work this hard." Those words were as clear as if somebody was standing right next to me and speaking. I was forced physically to cut back on the energy I was expending in all areas of my life or I was going to die. I was in denial about how sick I truly was at that time. My mind kept telling me I could do it but my body was telling me the truth. It took time, but I was able to begin making changes I needed to make to release myself from overdoing, getting more rest, finding more ways to feed myself on all levels, and cutting the interior strings to my dependency on the strokes and the pokes from my outer world. Perhaps what was true for me isn't true for you? But your description of your life as it is right now does make me wonder if maybe I should share my own experience with you?

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for your share. I tried cutting back to give myself more time and
To work on my marriage but it didnt work out. I work two jobs and i am very afraid
To lose the money i make. I did not leave my marriage seven years ago because i
Had no money and i was going to go to a womens shelter. My husband demanded i
Go back to work because we needed the income after years of not needing it. He
Became very abusive towards me. Hence back to work learning new skills. One job
I get benefits and health insurance the other i get paid very well. So i have two
Bosses and a dry ah.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand. If he's gone playing golf and at meetings during the week and you're working 2nd and 3rd shifts so many days a week, I agree with you, there's no time to work together on your marriage. I do hope you will find time for rest and relaxation every day, M. If I had completely lost my health by pushing too hard in both my personal and professional life, no amount of money would have mattered. I was free to make my own choices and fortunately, my body and my feeling like a wound up top most of the time, helped me make new choices before I completely burned out.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.