Do what you need to do to be true to yourself. If how you are sharing with him helps you, then I would support you.

Rusty Angel · Member

Guilt

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, (((Rusty))). I'm sorry he is very ill and in declining health. I know on an experiential level how difficult it is to watch this disease destroy a loved one. You didn't make him sick. You can't heal him. You can't make him better. You can care. You can do what you can do for him that he can't do for himself. But, if you've noticed an improvement in your own attitude and your own quality of life since you left him, you are doing what you can for you - saving your own life. The only one who can truly answer whether you are wrong in leaving him 9 months ago is you and your HP. Remember in Al-Anon that we are entitled to our own opinion and we can take what we like and leave the rest. ODAT's September 19th reading was written by a spouse with her own value system and her own circumstances. Just because it is in our reader doesn't mean everything written needs to be applied to us if it doesn't fit for us. I don't agree with the author of that page if its any help to you. Keep coming back.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

RA ..

Big hugs .. you aren't responsible for his choices .. you are only responsible for your choices. I had to leave my STBAX because he just continued to make choices that made the kids and I collateral damage in his world .. I just couldn't live like that any longer. Are you attending meetings? I know I do what is best for me and that is ok .. no one else has to walk in my shoes .. lol.

Big hugs again .. S :)

Rusty Angel · Member

Thanks for your reply. Comforting to know everyone doesn't buy every literal word of the ODAT. Yes I have got conflicting opinions from others on occasion and realize everyone must make their own decisions within themselves and their HP alone. It is hard when others try and dump heaps of guilt on you. And it hurts so much to watch someone you love destroy themselves.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of hugs and encouragement to you in doing what is right for you, Rusty.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Rusty Angel))) I am so very sorry that your hubby is so very ill. I do so understand your pain and the final decision to leave, because you were dying inside and you needed to reclaim your life. I have been there and done just that.

You have a kind and generous heart. Watching a loved one destroyed by alcoholism is so very difficult . I too offered the support that you are giving your hubby, to my son as he progressed rapidly downward with this disease. . . Please keep coming here, up your attendance at face to face meetings and know that the guilt is misplaced ---you are kind, generous, compassionate --- no need to feel guilty about that.

Alanon does not have any opinion on if we should stay or go-- That is an individual choice and depends on many factors- only you know what is right for you.

Prayers.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Rusty Angel wrote:
Thanks for your reply. Comforting to know everyone doesn't buy every literal word of the ODAT. Yes I have got conflicting opinions from others on occasion and realize everyone must make their own decisions within themselves and their HP alone. It is hard when others try and dump heaps of guilt on you. And it hurts so much to watch someone you love destroy themselves.

Yes, it hurts a lot. I have felt your pain. Keep the focus on you and much as possible. I remember when the doctor that my AH and I both went to told me that I was going down with him unless I worked on saving myself. He's gone now, but I'm in a much better place now...

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi rusty, for me that guilt was gone when I came to truly believe step 1, I am powerless over alcohol. When I left my ex went down hill too. In a way its part of the manipulation, he felt sorry for himself and I think he wanted his family to feel sorry for him and he was hoping we wohld all come running. We didnt, in fact noone went near him really for a few months, left him to it and that was his turning point, his bottom. Hes been in aa sober ever since.

I think you are still enabling him rusty, he is not going to take responsibility for himself until he really needs to and he doesnt need to while you are still there watching. The odat is an old book, written when women had no other choices, they were stuck with the alcoholic and I think the odat fitted with that time. Courage to change is more modern and reflective of our times. When women have choices and can go it alone, women dont need men the way they did before.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

if we allow the disease to tear us down too, what good is that? I see you are now giving what you can, what you feel you need to. As long as it is ok with you, I would do it too.

enabling? Maybe but I also know there is a point in the A's sickness they just are not going to be able to quit. I will never forget a sweet gal in England who was here in the beginning.
Her A was dying. she would go out and get him a bottle. I asked her why. He was at a point of no return, he had to have it to maintain. When he was actually shutting down, he did not drink.

She and her family had a few wonderful days with him.

Every situation is different. I don't listen to people who are negative. why bother? How dare they be anyway, what we do is none of their business. guilt is a horrible feeling. I won't allow it to happen if I can.

Do what you need to do to be true to yourself. If how you are sharing with him helps you, then I would support you.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Do what you need to do to be true to yourself. If how you are sharing with him helps you, then I would support you.