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Interesting week. As we prepare for a little time away at the beach, I assumed the A would not go; as he hasn't vacationed w/ us in 2 years. But, a few times this week he has asked about things we might do while there (via email as he doesn't talk to me). I always go answer him in person and I don't like this electronic marriage. But the other day, he emailed, we are going to make memories. What a joke!
I am getting prepared for a 4 hour car ride & days at at the beach w/ who knows what? No anxiety, just almost wish he did stay home.
Even tonight when he got home, he walked right past me like every other night, not a word, went to the office, and then talked to my son about fishing this weekend. He is calling his few family members and telling them he is going on vacation and looking forward to having a "great" weekend. Have to keep up those appearances. The great family man; taking his family on vacation. Ugh. He has zero to do with the planning of this trip. And any time I asked him for his input it was, "do whatever you want." So I did.
So, I am trying to balance disgust, and just relax and enjoy the weekend with someone who despises me. That is quite the balancing act.
Blessed, im sorry that he treats you this way. Totally ignoring you and communicating via email is quite a cruel thing to do in my eyes. Its passive aggressive, you dont deserve this. Then he acts like a nice family man with his family. No wonder you dont want him to go. Hes a bully, a silent bully. I dont think you will tolerate this for long when your alanon kicks in. This is unacceptable behaviour. In time you may be able to set a boundary, like not replying to emails from him, no way. If he wants to communicate he should do it in a respectful, reasonable manner. You deserve to be valued and shown normal human courtesys. Im sorry but he sounds cowardlyx
-- Edited by el-cee on Thursday 10th of July 2014 03:19:48 AM
LOL! Well, Blessed, obviously el cee feels for you on this one! Giggle. What isn't funny to me is his treatment of you and his treatment of you in front of your son. As far as his despising you - well, I can't help but wonder if he despises himself and can't look you in the eye because he does know what he knows about himself? Can you take a friend with you on this vacation and your son, too? Even if AH goes, he'll be forced to be pleasant to you because he won't want his "Mr. Nice Guy" mask to slip.
I walked away for a bit and something came to me I want to share with you. My "x"'s first sign of being an abuser - something I didn't know in my early 20s was giving me the silent treatment for no reason at all. I'd come home happy to see him from work and he wouldn't respond to me for a day or two. It confused me since I knew I hadn't done anything but go to work and come home to my apartment and walk next door to his before we were married. He'd laugh and joke with my roommate and his, but would totally ignore me. He didn't hit me until the first or second day after we were married when he hit me over the head with mail we'd received that contained bills that I had prior to our getting married that he knew about. He was angry because he thought we'd have to spend our wedding money on bills. Little by little, those beginning behaviors escalated. But, everyone he worked with and his friends and family seemed to think he was fun and wouldn't hurt a fly. I'm concerned enough to share my experience with you because his behavior smacks of my x's. Could your AH also be mentally ill?
(((el cee))). I'm glad I got out of it, too. Funny thing is, I didn't fear him. I was that much in denial of how much danger I was in at the time. I just hope our sister, Blessed, isn't living with somebody as sick as my x. Thinking of you, Blessed. And el cee's got your back, too!!!! And we won't hold her back. A Scottish sister's gotta do what she's gotta do. Smile.
I, too, see dismissive, silent treatment as abusive. It chews away at ones soul. You deserve better treatment; you are valued and worthwhile. I am sorry for your treatment, too, Grateful. Blessed, your program is strong and it will serve you well on your vacation....I hope you enjoy.
el-cee, one counselor we went to about a year ago said much of what you said after reading some of his emails to me. Bully, coward, passive-agressive were just a few. What is interesting is that the A calls me passive-agressive and everything else he is. PROJECTION at is finest. What is interesting is that this counsoler lasted only about 3-4 visits with us. lol! Most don't stay around long. They say they are experts on alcoholism, but when we get in there, they are overwhelmed as they try to do "marriage counseling" without addressing the alcohol. Actually, I walked out of that last session when my A kept lying and I was supposed to "say what you heard". I kept saying, "I heard a lie and I am not going to discuss a lie." Write a $100 check, and leave. Very productive. Others times we were given legos and one would give directions as the other built what the other said. Really? That was for communication skills.
I am really trying not to focus on all that as, as I have done before getting involved in AlAnon. It is too eshausting trying to understand peopole with a brain disorder/disease.
greateful, at this time I am not afraid of him, but my son is still home. He will be gone to college Sept. 1 and I suspect things might change as there is no buffer. But, I have on my armour and am reading/studying as much as I can; attending meetings & preparing as much as I can. My A is not a big man, and is quite frail and getting worse. I am sure he could hurt me, a little, but I am tough in my own right. But, I would not instigate anything that would casue abuse to myself and wouldn't hesitate to call the police. I have close neighbors and we have tennants that live in our basement, so I could also go down there and ask for help.
In a book I was reading today, Getting Them Sober, or The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage (I am reading both) it gave the dynamic of the A marriage, before they are married. The A is needy and needs a mother figure, and the wife needs someone to take care of. Before I married him I was a single mom and made it clear I did not need another butt to wipe & I could support us just fine; and could take care of myself...., etc. He did want a SAHW/M and I wanted to be at home as well. Now, I know why he wanted that. I could take care of everything, and him. But, I can't dwell on what I should have known. I am here now and have to learn to cope and live.
AH came in a little while ago and said he is going on a 1/2 day fishing trip. YEA! Go for a full day! :) Since my son goes to college in a few weeks, I am going to make the most of it for him. So, yes, my son is going & very excited as I got a hotel next to the pier (unbeknownst to me) and he can fish all weekend. He has several rods, tackle boxes, and enough gear to go on a long fishing expedition. I had to remind him that we needed to take things as well. lol! Hope he has a blast. :) I am going to lay on the beach, and do absolutely nothing, except read. That is vacation to me. :)
Thanks for all of your support. ((((( )))))))
-- Edited by blessed on Wednesday 9th of July 2014 07:58:06 PM
How much do I love this board? Exceedingly and muchly. Everybody's shares help me so much and I love to see everyone helping each other and sad as rhe reason for this thread's being up here, I think it may be my all-time favorite.
Blessings to everyone.
Blessed, you are one very savvy cookie. And those of you pushing 15,000 posts, collectively, well, I'm in awe. I hope everyone else weighs in, as well.
Wish we could all go along.
Temple
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
((((Hugs)))) Blessed, I like to sound of you relaxing on the beach with a good book.
I've found it hard to read the responses because they make me aware of my own denial. For two years my AH wore sunglasses, even in bed. (Gosh, he looked silly first thing in the morning!) Absolutely no eye contact. He had excuses (dry eye) but I started to feel as if life would be better if I was invisible. I know that it was all about him, but it was ghastly none the less.
Praying for sun. Forecast says rain all weekend, and a part of me is in dread. Stuck in a large house w/ an A is hard enough, but a hotel room. Oh please no. Here I have places I can go. So, praying hard for breaks in the weather to get out to the beach. Or I may be the only person laying on the beach in the rain. lol!
Blessed, I'm hoping for sunshine for you--internal and external! I know what the silent treatment is like. It's not quite as extreme in my house as in yours, but it's awful nonetheless. I think you have a great attitude and outlook and I hope that perspective and Al-Anon help you get through this. Fingers crossed that the vacation is better than you think, and that if it isn't, the pain is transformative in some positive way. When I feel like I'll never survive the turmoil that is my life right now, I try to keep these words in my mind, from one of my favorite writers, Haruki Murakami:
And once the storm is over, you wont remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You wont even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wont be the same person who walked in. Thats what this storms all about.
THAT'S WHAT THE STORM IS ALL ABOUT. I'm considering getting this tattooed someplace!
I decided to sit in the backseat and let my son sit with my AH. I read, and dozed all the way here. When we got here it was cloudy but still warm so we sat on the beach for about 10 mins before it started monsooning. Nothing standing for as far as you can see. Crime tape up, roads blocked off. Oh my.
We ventured out & walked around, had dinner, and the guys continued to walk but I came back to room. Due to a spinal cord injiury and weak ankle & kneed I can't walk too far as my leg gets very tired. The forecast is sketchy, but I think we will get sun and rain all weekend.
My son said at dinner, "Look at the bright side. Time flies when you are having fun, so since we are bored it will be a long vacation." He's should be a comedian. Then he said and the silver lining is grey, it kind of blends in and looks the same. (meaning the grey skies). lol!
I am reading, Getting Them Sober, and EVERYONE who lives w/ an A should read this book. It is really good! Many of the things it gives me permission to do, or not to do, I have already implemented but there are many more I can add. It is breaking bondage kind of book. Very encouraging that you can do this, whether you are afraid, or not. Lots of great quotes and slogans to remember as well.
We had a torrential storm Thursday night that didn't leave one thing on the beach or surrounding area standing (lifeguard stands, trashcans, port-potties, street signs, etc. etc.). What a mess. Power went out so our dinner reservations were canceled. Tractors were out early Friday cleaning up the mess. Forecast said more the same Friday. Ugh. Stuck in a hotel room w/ AH. But, thank you Jesus, the rain on Friday did not come, and it was overcast, but made it not blazing hot, so it was nice. Still got some sun and laid on the beach for several hours reading and dozing while AH and son went on a fishing boat.
-- Edited by blessed on Friday 11th of July 2014 01:57:52 PM
