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Having a hard time with my teenage girls. They are both leaving for college in August. I will have only my youngest at home with me. I am having a lot of anxiety about it. The older ones and I are not getting along very well. Especially the oldest. She is used to living on her own most of the year, she is going into her 3rd year of college. The college loans are making me nervous. I worry a lot about not having them to help me with their younger sister. They love her and want to watch her when I work. They would rather watch her than having my AH watch her. He is "dry" and that's about it...as far as I know. So I have to make sure I have back-up plans for her care if I need it when the older ones go to college.
I am trying to look at my part in not getting along with my teens...it's hard. They know it ALL. ugh!! I am crying a lot lately. Feeling overwhelmed. I raised my older 2 basically on my own since they were very young after first husband left me for a younger model...now dealing with divorce #2. How much can I take? Sometimes I just want to STAY IN BED. But I don't. I guess that's a good thing. I hate ruminating over the problems in my life. I know things are happening for a reason...God is in control. But it HURTS sometimes. Life has not turned out that way I planned that's for sure!! I am glad I can talk to my family here, my sponsor and I have al anon meetings...trying to keep the focus on myself but I am feeling lonely...raising kids on your own can be hard. Anyone with teenagers or any helpful hints for managing my pain would be helpful!! Letting go of older kids is hard for me...but I know it's natural for them to grow up and leave:( I just have a hard time accepting it!!
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Wednesday 9th of July 2014 12:56:25 AM
Ah, My only son is heading off to college in the fall, and I know your sadness there. He is a great kid, and we have a good relationship. He was homeschooled his entire life so we have always been together. As he enters college and adulthood, our relationship has to change. Of course I will be here to guide as he asks, and he has to be respectful as he steps from being dependent to independent. We are both working on those things and have to remind each other from time to time. :)
There are times I have concerns about being here with the A, alone. He is not physically abusive, yet. My son and I keep each other company. Howver, I know my son's presence keeps hiim in line from speaking rudely to me, etc. as my son will get in his face if necessary. (I don't encourage this, but it has happened on occasion.) They get along fine, but my son also won't take any nonsense from him.
My A is a recluse and doesn't speak to me, or have much to do w/ me. It is going to be even more lonely when my son is gone. I have had to work at not making my son take the place of my husband and fill that void in my life. That is not his responsibility. My job is a distraction and allows me to think of others things which is a blessing.
Has your daughter gone to AlAteen? This would help her greatly as no one understands like others that are living this life. She would benefit greatly from attending. You as well, to learn healthy boundaries, what you can and can't do to help you and the A, etc.
Sounds as if your daughters have been a big help in childcare, because you have an AH, and when they go off to college, you're left with the fact of having an unreliable AH and no other backup? And so your resentment tends to come out at your daughters? Have I understood the situation?
It is definitely stressful to have an AH who has to be treated like a child instead of helping with the children. It is definitely infuriating when we have to do the work of two, when we were just hoping for a happy family.
Our own recovery is so important, especially at times like this. Take good care of yourself.
That is an awful lot of change and loss at 1 time. Your "nest" will go from 6 to 2 in just a few months. That is HUGE. I validate that and would encourage you be kind to yourself and watch your inner dialog. Life never turns out how we think but it's still an interesting ride. Had I been able to get married, I would probably be on my 3rd marriage just now. It is what it is. I learned and grew as a person and continue to do so. It's a triumph that you have raised 2 kids that are going to college and that are helpful as they are. At this point, they don't have much perspective on life but they have vocabulary and words that would make it seem like they do. Wait til they experience love and relationship problems and needing to pick themselves up and move on...Then they will respect all you have done and gone through and will need your ESH in this area. Keep your head up!!!!
As far as the financial end of things, there is nothing saying your daughters can't help finance their own college at some point? I simply couldn't afford to put my daughter through college. I could provide a place for her in my home at no cost to her since she didn't want to go outside of our hometown. She was able to finance her college while also raising her son and graduated cum laude. Not only did she put herself through college, she worked part-time and paid for everything her son needed. I, of course, provided childcare for free (and boy, that was a happy blessing for me) and both my daughter and I could work out our work schedules so that one of us was with my grandson until he was about 2 and then she was able to go to work fulltime and needed to hire a friend of mine to care for her son a few hours a day. She moved out on her own following college and getting hired fulltime. I was so proud of her and still am because she was able to accomplish so much on her own and owes her success to herself - not to me. What I discovered was that God provided what I couldn't and my daughter demonstrated to herself what a strong and quality woman she was. I also discovered that in being forced to let go of her and her life and her choices, I was able to focus more on what I needed to do for me to prepare for today's reality of being retired and not in huge debt. I also know that my daughter will be just fine on her own because she has demonstrated that to herself for almost 20 years. It took a bit of adjustment on my part in letting go of the relationship we'd had as mother and daughter and to make necessary changes in handing her life to her, but I did it and she did it although I can say I cried a lot, too, when the big changes came and she was making choices that at first I couldn't understand or agree with that did affect me. I am a strong woman and there were times my daughter had to stand almost toe-to-toe with me and eyeball to eyeball in her need to become her own person and move out of the shadow of me. If she couldn't do that with me, she couldn't do it in the world either. You are going to be just fine and your daughters will be, too. God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves and I see that happening for you and your daughters, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 9th of July 2014 09:55:52 AM
Thanks everyone. Mattie: I do have backup, and no I don't take my resentment out on my kids. I am just sad they won't be living with me much. And I think a lot of moms and teenagers have trouble getting along at times. They want to be adults, yet they sometimes act like children too. It's hard. I don't live with my AH so I am glad about that.
Greatful: yes,they both have college loans. I worry about them being able to pay them back. They both have jobs for the summer and they are working a lot, so they are saving up money. I am really proud of them. Just a lot of mixed feelings going on inside me lately.
PC: you are right...many changes going on for me lately. I have to remember the serenity prayer and the slogans for sure!
I get it on the college loan stuff. The Obamas were still paying on theirs before he took office from what I understand. I hope you can take a break and just enjoy yourself with a friend soon if you haven't already? Your family sounds like a normal, productive family going through some major changes and Mom loving and caring and being concerned for them all? Have you been doing at least one fun thing for you each day? Doesn't have to be big, but still fun for you.
Yes teenagers are difficult, I was one of them. I was awful! If it makes you feel any better I didn't have a good relationship with my mom until I was about 22.
My ideas and understanding about my parents have evolved over time, and often as time goes on. and real life happens to us we can come to a greater appreciation of our parents. I find now I appreciate my parents more because I have a baby of my own now.
I was thinking today when I was walking with my one year old son. thinking about what it will be like for me when I have to let go and let him live his own life. And it made me sadbut then I thought if he can leave the house and stand on his own two feet then I will have done my job. And I also thought to myself ..the alternative is having them never leave the house.. try to think of something that you can look forward to, like spending future holidays together or going to see them at school.
They do love you, you know. I thought I'd mention that just in case.because I never said it to my parents and it still feels awkward, but trust me they love you.
Thanks Kelly :) I am having a hard time with my oldest. You are right...if they can leave me and live independently...I guess I did something right! I couldn't handle them living with me forever. I just haven't prepared for them leaving home I guess.
As a friend of mine with two dynamic daughters told me: "It took me about two weeks to get used to the girls being gone and on their own. I was sad for a few days and then I wasn't."
