The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am about 5-6 weeks into AlAnon. I have jumped in w/ both feet to f2f meetings; the forum, and live meeting/chat; read many articles, listening to videos, and read books. I have found some kind of serenity in AlAnon that is difficult to explain. Anyone that has achieved this understands. On the other hand, there are countless shares of those whose A never recovered, or even when they did were never the same again, and things really never improved. Many left the relationships and continue to struggle with the overflow of the disease that they inherited.
My goal is to get healthy in my own body, soul & spirit first. Secord, I would like to see my AH get clean, sober and some level of healing, whatever that may be. But, stats and reality tell me that is proably not going to happen. That is disouraging for me. But, I have to get and stay sane even if he never changes. Will death be the thing that finally sets him free? Surely, only God knows the number of our days. Maybe it is me that will go first. I don't spend a lot of time dreaming, or asking questions of the future that I just can't know. That is insanity and I won't go there.
This is temporary, and I will get past it, but I hate the overload of emotions that swirl around when I read things that say there are very few that ever reach true sobriety, even if they stop drinking. I just want to be sucked out of here in a vacuum.
Dear Blessed, I admire your hard work and your dedication to recovery. I have felt the same way when I first arrived in program and heard the painful stories of whom recovers who doesn't and what life is like afterwards
My sponsor suggested that we cannot project into the future, as you know, that many do recover and my job was to focus on myself recover in my own program and trust that HP would guide the rest of my life.
That was difficult to accept and to use in the beginning. My mind would go into projecting and the what if's but finally after working the steps - sanity surfaced and I realized that no matter what--- if he lived or not--- if he recovered are not, I would be okay and my life would be full. That by using Al-Anon's tool in recovery I was taking the best possible actions for my life and for my marriage. If he didn't survive I would be able to walk the walk with him with more courage serenity and was wisdom. If he did survive I would be able to rebuild our life based on courage serenity and wisdom.
Good news is that my husband did find sobriety after several's relapse and rehabs and stayed sober for seven years before he died of cancer.
Blessed, thank you for your introspection and your sharing. There is a sort of magic that occurs when one has settled into a seat at a meeting....there is a comfort whether I know people or not. I have always felt welcomed.
It is discouraging and heartbreaking when we want recovery for our loved ones and they do not. I feel my feelings of despair and I feel my feelings of hope, then, I do the best I can to release them to God, as you have done. You will reach your goals as you continue to work your recovery....find a sponsor, too, if you don't have one. Big hug.
BTW, my husband found recovery and, for now, is doing great.
-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 8th of July 2014 08:10:28 PM
Keep up with the alanon. The more you detach and create your own happiness, the more he will have to own his own addiction even if he still tries to say it's you that makes him drink. You describe him not even willing to be in the same room as you. Even if he got sober, it would not heal that level of contempt. That is its own issue but can't be worked on while he's drinking sadly...BUT - I give you major kudos for diving into alanon full force.
I understand. I've felt the same thing mostly in regards to my son. The thing that helps me is remembering to make the best of the times I do have with him and to put him back into his HP's hands when I know the disease has swallowed him up again. (((B)))
Thank you so much for the words of encouragment and wisdom.
Yes, I know that this is deeper than alcohol. Alcohol is what he has used to cover up deeper pains. Recently, my 17-yr old came to me and said, "Mom, you know how you said that there is something deeper that he is covering up? Well, I know what that is. He told me the story of his aunt dying (told him the whole story)......... and then we watched some of the ballgame and fifteen mins. later he told me the whole story, again like he had never told me before."
My son saw first hand how his mind is already losing memory, and that he has other issues he has buried and not dealt with. So, I am not in an imaginary world where he just stops drinking everything will be grand; far from it. When something like this happens I allow myself to think on it for a few minutes, pray about it and then move on. But, it is there and it is real and will either be dealt with, or not, but it has to be him that initiates any of that.
He is meeting with a Pastor (pre-addict that works w/ recovering addicts) that is sponsoring him in the AA steps. It is private, and I feel he would do well in a meeting, but I do not give suggestions anymore. He has a sponsor and I trust his sponsor and my HP to work out the details. Nothing has changed at home, he still drinks, he still lies but I have to trust that those he is lying to are smart enough to see through that. And I have to keep coming back to, "his actions - his consequences." I can't control him or his conseequences. Only mine. And God decides the consequences.
