The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I sure have a lot of practice to do. I am still reacting. overreacting. defending, justifying. Mostly internally though. Thank goodness. I moved out about 3 weeks ago. The last few days I have had little or no contact with AH. He has his ups and downs and the last few days I could tell he was down. (more liquor purchases). So today, he is back to promising things will get better. Then calls later wondering where I am (sounds a little irritated, but who wouldn't be..hes an A). Wants to know when he will see his WIFE? Wants to know why I don't miss him.
I explained that I didn't see him the last couple days cause he was drinking, and that I don't really miss him cause he is in a chaotic state of mind and it really stresses me out. So he quickly says goodbye, and hangs up.
And I am left here, justifying it all to the air. What slogans can I think of to get off this roller coaster of defending myself. Hell no - you are a hot mess, NO- I don't want to hang out with you. Yes, I do still feel guilty that I don't want to hang out with you, and it kinda ticks me off. No one in their right mind would want to hang out with you - why do you expect me to want to? To top it all off I WISH I could hang out with him, but he's a drunk!
BLAH. I wish I could just whip these feelings into shape!
I still just want to show him whats right and whats wrong. I will try to remember that he is an Adult, and if he doesn't already know it, he can figure it out. And if he can't figure it out, *I* certainly should NOT try to teach it to him. I need to hand it over to my HP. (or his HP for that matter).
Oh susie...you just gave perfect examples of why detachment sounds simple in theory but is not easy in reality and why we need the program and each other. I empathize with you...
How about Easy Does It, or Progress, Not Perfection? As PC said, it's all easy in theory, hard in practice. Just keep up the practice. You are doing great.
Susie, I know how hard this period of time is, its like going cold turkey when you try to quit any habit or addiction, its uncomfortable for a while. I know for smoking it takes about 3 weeks before you start to feel more normal. Im comparing it to smoking because I know I was addicted to my ex, even the drama and chaos was comfortable in a weird way. Making changes, coming out of your comfort zone it is easy to look back and rewrite history, I did this for a while, oh we had some good times, I miss it when he does this and that. Our mind kind of plays tricks on us and the reality fades and is less painful and we could be tempted to go in for another round. The reasons you made this change were powerful reasons, I suggest you write them down just in case you forget the pain. I left my ex a while back now and its scary at first but it didnt take me long before I felt free, free of all the nonsense, the crazy conversations that never really made sense to a healthier brain, the repetition, listening to the same stories over and over, the selfishness and childish attitude. I love that the people in my life can hear me, when I talk they actually get what im saying instead of listening for amunition to throw at me later. They dont feel the need to put me down or belittle me with sarcasm, in the name of humour. My spirit has grown now, yours will too. When you start to feel that pull towards the dark side do something fun or nice for you. Keep on keeping on, your doing great.x
I am smiling seeing you justifying it to the air. Reminds me of the time I was screaming and yelling while I was driving on the highway. When I pulled over I burst out laughing. You are doing great....keep talk in' to us!
I left my ex a while back now and its scary at first but it didnt take me long before I felt free, free of all the nonsense, the crazy conversations that never really made sense to a healthier brain, the repetition, listening to the same stories over and over, the selfishness and childish attitude. I love that the people in my life can hear me, when I talk they actually get what im saying instead of listening for amunition to throw at me later. They dont feel the need to put me down or belittle me with sarcasm, in the name of humour.
Wow!! This is a keeper. So right on, el-cee.
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Susie great support and responses . I learned to stop justifying myself and to validate myself and my needs instead.
For Example: I do love you but I need to live in a quiet environment in order to regain my sense of security . No blame or judgement owning my wants and needs
I've talked to the air myself, Susie. It helps me get clear sometimes as does writing what I'm thinking out. I don't know why. It just does. I know there are those who think talking out loud is a crazy thing to do and I say to that: "Well, show me somebody who isn't just a little bit crazy and I'll show you a person who doesn't live in our world." You're doing just fine and I love the responses to you and Betty's example of a loving way to respond without negating our own needs and wants. Thanks for your share, Susie. I've learned some new things here, too.
I am going through the same things you are. Shall I stay or shall I go. We are presently separated and have our own residence. Lately I have been spending most of this week with my AH. About twice a week he is "altered". It is a hard decision when you believe in marriage and still the sober part of them.
It is crazy how we stay in bad situations becasue bad seems to be better than the unknown. I have done it with my father (I left home at 15, but went back in a few weeks & finally left at 17); I did it in my first A marriage multiple times, and now in A marriage #2, I haven't left yet, but I have AlAnon this time. If I leave, there will be no looking back. Quite frankly, I am not 15, or 29 (age at end of 1st marriage), but 51. Just too old to come/go as I did when I was younger.
I live by ONE DAY AT A TIME; and JUST FOR TODAY. I have made some "plans" so I am not just leaving or get kicked out w/ a purse and the clothes on my back, but not planning when I will leave, and not planning to stay until a deadline. I am just taking each day as it comes. That works for me, today.
Give youself a break, and a pat on the back, and (((yourself)))). Go get a mani, pedi or massage. Or whatever makes you feel special. :)
Susie my first A used to say the same thing to me , where is my WIFE.there is power in not being in the same room as them, knowing you can just hang up the phone and turn off the phone whenever you want to. I hope you are able to work through some of these feelings and get to a place where you can feel like you can enjoy your life.or at least be at peace. Remember #9 be kind to yourself
First of all, how can I get your icon next to your name?? Love it. I am not very computer savvy. I need a pic. I, too am way to often trying to justify in my head why I left. I feel many of the feelings you do. I have to go back and read my journals about all the icky stuff that forced me to leave. Sad, but true. I want more self confidence. Al anon helps me with confidence.
This site needs a "Like" button...I like this status because I can relate oh so well....I often go for the humor of "Inner peace...in in in inner peace..." You've got to see Kung Fu Panda to enjoy that one :)
. Reminds me of the time I was screaming and yelling while I was driving on the highway. When I pulled over I burst out laughing. You are doing great....keep talk in' to us!