What do I do? - Al-Anon Family Group

JaneDoe · Newbie

What do I do?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't have any experience to share with you here. Others will. I do want to say welcome to MIP and I can feel how much what you read and what you have heard must have and still is hurting. It is my understanding that sometimes a recovering person in the early stages can be impotent for awhile. Easier to say they have a problem with you than a problem with their own scary impotence? I get the part about you reading something that was personal to him. Sounds like the trust in your marriage and in his love for you has been tested at times prior to sobriety? Al-Anon can help you focus on yourself and care for yourself in ways that he may not be able to do right now when it comes to emotional nurturance and understanding. Keep coming back. We're glad you're here.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There could be other stuff going on but I'm wondering if your husband isn't gay. Usually a drunk will just sleep with who they want or rag on you to be what they want. This makes me wonder if he doesn't have sexual orientation issues....Also the "gym buff" thing. Can't tell you what to do but trust that you are attractive in the eyes of your HP and I'm sure someone else would gladly have you so don't go letting his issues or ideas dictate your reality. Some of the most gym buff people are repulsive to me due to their personalities...Attraction is largely about being self assured and confident.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 7th of July 2014 06:18:58 PM

-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 7th of July 2014 06:22:25 PM

JaneDoe · Newbie

I am not worried about his sexuality because he also wrote that he is worried about his being faithful because he is eyeing other women and he has told me that he is attracted to thin and healthy women. He isn't a beefcake, he is long and lean and struggles to keep his muscle weight on. But I appreciate your input. I wonder if it will even matter to him if I lost a lot of weight.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It is very difficult to take them seriously when they are drinking and often times more so when they stop drinking which isn't "the" indication that they are sober...just dry. Alcohol does a number on the brain and ability to perceive things rationally and attempting to use the brain without the alcohol influence very often causes the pendulum to swing in the opposite direction radically. He is "wondering" because he doesn't know and probably doesn't know much about reality in its basis sense. He is marginalizing his forth step...doing it myopically meaning seeing it only thru the issue of resentments. He is not the paradigm of sainthood for goodness sake so any judgments he may be using is flawed. Searching, fearless and moral. He is directing his vision outward rather than directing it back at himself and in a sense he is still blaming and accusing you of being responsible. You're not his sponsor. You are his wife. He's in the program and making an attempt as a newbie. Newbies stumble and fall and bump against lots of stuff before they wake up. They also tend to find sponsors who won't be too hard on them (I did this myself) and would allow them to try the easy way out from time to time. Lots of stuff happens like crazy and often many at the same time for the newly recovering alcoholic...That is not your concern though I would seem to be. Grateful mentions Al-Anon (Family Groups) and I will suggest that also obviously because that is what worked for me. My alcoholic/addict use to in directly tell/show me that she didn't want to touch me by leaving and having affairs with strangers. That's another swing of the pendulum isn't it. You have two men in your life and one is your alcoholic. Best to get around others like us to learn how to live your own life with two other guys in it and the children...often gets as crazy as that sounds. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

JaneDoe · Newbie

Thank you Jerry. I find your words comforting and reassuring. I really need to find a group close to me location wise, plus the time to go. I really struggle and am going through a completely different journey while he is taking his.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep coming back, Jane...post, get your feelings, thoughts and questions out in the open. We will provide what we can to help you with YOUR recovery. This is a supportive, wise, loving group. Hugs.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Jane how horribly painful! I have seen this so many times when an A is in early recovery. They just don't even know who they are anymore and maybe never did.

As far as you, you are just find however you are. And believe me when a man is in love with us, they don't care about weight as long as we are as loving to our bodies as we always were. Meaning keeping clean and all that, which I am sure you are.

Losing gaining, sick with a cold looking lovely, having babies, when a man loves a woman, he loves her unconditionally. The same as when we are in love.

I loved my ex ah though his body was not looking so hot in some ways. did not care, he was hot becuz he was who he was! I would have been attracted to him no matter fat skinny no legs one arm whatever.

True love is not based on how we look. At first men are usually drawn to something physical about us. but it could be liking our bum when we bend over! lol Or my best friends husband fell in love with her when she a beautiful hippie with hair past her rear in ringlets, only had a sweatshirt on and was out gardening!

A's are so sick, mixed up, totally not themselves and it may take years to feel they have a foundation.

Sometimes them going into recovery is worse on us. Please keep coming. Please love yourself just how you are. Its wonderful just being a woman, with curves and softness. I am not a small person either. But I just do not care. I am healthy as I can be, do my best to wear some make up, always have my hair soft and natural. I wear cloths that fit, that I feel comfy in.

And I am very single! i do it for me.

I am so sad you were hurt like that. hugs

JaneDoe · Newbie

I am already starting to feel better. I really enjoy hearing other kind peoples words. I feel so lost in my own journey. But he was very kind tonight and came home, he forgot to kiss me and asked about 15min after he was home if he had kissed me yet. Little things like that make me have hope that maybe it is just him finding who he is right now.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Jane, I am glad that you found us and had the courage to share your pain. Please know you are not alone and that there is help and hope. Your life can improve and you can find courage, serenity and wisdom to rebuild your self esteem and self worth.

I do agree with the other MIP members ,who shared that a newly sober person is very confused and their feelings are all over the place.
When my hubby passed, 7 years after he had become sober, I found his 4th Step work book among his possessions. I debated about opening it or burning it. The small voice within cautioned me that I had enough painful memories to handle so why should I read the insanity in the notes, I burned the book, without opening it

I assure that the alanon program has tools that will help you to grow and be happy Keep coming

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Big Yay!! Betty....that's working it. (((((hugs))))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Jerry That small voice within is pretty smart :)
I just had to learn how to hear it and then act on the wisdom

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Jane - there is a difference between mature love and attraction and boyish love and attraction. Perhaps that is what your husband is working through with his alcoholism. Maybe he doesn't understand what "making love" is and only understands sex at a base level. Lots of times that is what alcoholism does. It retards people in these areas. I know this is a sensitive conversation, but we do discuss these things in AA and in Alanon so it's appropriate. I still believe Alanon would be good for you in this journey, even though he's not drinking at the moment. Damage has been done and he's still an alcoholic, albeit getting sober - that presents challenges for you...probably more than just in this area.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.