The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AM asked me to get something for her & bring it upstairs..I got annoyed b/c I'm tired of enabeling her. But I feel like I can't tell her that b/c she will think it's about her drinking.. does that make sense or am I making something out of nothing? Was I wrong to get upset? Thank you for listening.
I'd get tired of being the fetch it person - especially if the adult in question can get whatever they want themselves. I'd simply say, "I'm busy right now or I'm working on something right now" if that is true and let it go. For some reason, some of us parents think our kids should fetch things for us and what I know now is that that isn't fair to my kids or my grandson if I do it often or always. I'm not sure if this is true for your Mom, but I do know it was true for me for awhile. The habit just got passed down from generation to generation. I quit doing it even though it is easier for me to inconvenience another person rather than inconvenience myself for something I am quite capable of doing for myself.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 7th of July 2014 04:41:06 PM
You can still say no, no explanaination needed, saying no in a calm clear way is powerful. I think an explanation about enabling and detaching would be useless and its your tools, your business. You could practice saying no in the mirror, sounds nuts but it might help. Working on not enabling is a kind and loving act. X
Hi PMG When I felt uncomfortable about my feelings or a situation- taking time and examining my motives, and my feelings helped me to decide the appropriate response to a situation.
I would look at the situation and what Mom asked and needed , how it infringed on my activities, and if I felt it inconvenienced me I would simply feel free to say I am sorry I am busy mom. Be gentle with yourself It is a process.
NO you are not wrong, you are entitled to express your feelings and how other's actions are making you feel...you have that right!!!! I have lived in fear of my mother and now father for years due to their drinking. If I didn't obey, I was punished and shunned. I took it all in as if I was a "bad" person, unworthy of love. I am 53 years old now, I had a problem with drinking at a young age as I was dealing with emotional family issues. As soon as I was able to move out and away and accept my feelings as valid, I began to recover from the anger, resentment and pain I had collected after all those years.
Trust yourself, love yourself, you are a valid person.
Sometimes people get angry when we don't behave the way we want not because we are wrong, but because they want to control what they do. Anger is their form of control. As long as we change our behavior to keep them from getting angry, we are agreeing to be controlled by them.
Al-Anon has a saying, "What other people think of me is none of my business."
So my question would be: so what if she thinks it's about her drinking? She might be angry. So what if she's angry? She might yell and try to make it unpleasant. But another Al-Anon saying: "You don't have to show up to every argument you're invited to." When we have the power to go about our day peacefully despite someone trying to rant and rave and make us unhappy and get their way, then we have all the power in the world.
One of the things I learned in Al-Anon was about the metaphor of the "elephant in the living room" Denial. Alcoholism exists and it's large, grey, has a trunk that reaches way out to snatching anything within its reach and craps all over the carpet. I learned that even though I didn't verbalize it as a problem my body language screamed it 24/7 and then the program taught me not to try to hide the elephant under the rug and then ignore the tremendous bump on the floor. It's real keep it real. You don't have to beat her with it...she already knows and you don't have to tip toe around her as if she is parked in the middle of egg shells and broken glass. "Act as if" you know and you know that you know and you're getting help for it. You can come here and yell out loud..."Freaking elephant just crapped all over the sofa" and we will understand. ((((hugs))))
