Still no communication - Al-Anon Family Group

Flower49 · Senior Member

Still no communication

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you been to alanon meetings? Working on your relationship still needs to come after his sobriety and your alanon program anyhow. Maybe it's not all bad. Sounds like letting go is something your HP is trying to get across. Your husband will either get healthy and come back to you or not. No need to be suspended. Be active in your recovery and in other areas of life aside from him. That will make for better detachment if and when he does come back.

blessed · Senior Member

Pinkchip has a good point that no counselor we have gone to gets.

Whenever I sought for help w/ my AH's drinking, they always approach it as a marriage problem; which my Ah was all too pleased with as it didn't address the drinking and he could blame me. Sure, the marriage has issues, but the foundation of that "issue" is the alcohol & the domino effects. Until he is clean, and I heal w/ AlAnon there is nowhere to go w/ the marriage. We are two people that are not healthy and two wrongs don't make a right.

I am trying not to be hurt right now by anything & let the process work. It is tough but when I dig deep, I can stay strong.

Hope you find f2f meeting, and support in your recovery. It starts w/ us.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

We can't work on a relationship with someone who in many ways depending on the amount of time they've been drinking are seeing the world without the fog and without the crutch. This is a serious disease that doesn't go away just because our loved one stops putting the poison into their bodies. We can work on ourselves and drop the expectations of our loved ones for awhile. They just can't meet them and in my experience they cannot work on relationships because saving their lives is the most important thing for them. In some ways, I liken it to childbirth. My x wanted me to talk with him. Talk with him?????? I could hardly breathe. He finally figured out my labor was the most important thing and delivering a child into the world. I needed to work with the doctors and nurses and my body to save my life and to save my baby's life. Not our relationship. I know your husband isn't having an actual baby but he is in process of laboring to bring his true self into the world. Right now, that is the most important thing. It isn't fair. It doesn't feel good. It gets painfully lonely and frightening for us. And we can't handle everything on our own either. Glad you're here and hope you get to some meetings to support you in your recovery process.

Beatrice · Senior Member

Flower49,

You don't need your AH to move forward..

Start loving yourself, work your program , find solutions for yourself. It's not about him, its about you and your serenity.

Keep working it , and stay in contact with your HP.
Hugs, Bettina

Flower49 · Senior Member

Thanks everyone for the E/S/H. Yes I go to meetings f2f and online. I guess when I say stuck, I don't understand are we married, separated, divorcing. Why was I good enough to be involved for the last 6 months traveling 6 hours to and from the Inpatient Rehab and having the matter of it's a family disease hammered into my head and now I am shut out. It is so confusing. I am doing my thing and relying on my HP to guide me each day. He has been sober for almost 90 days and really I get he is sick, I get it he has a disease, I get it to support him I have to let it go, but seriously when do the A's ever really have to step up to the plate, I mean seriously now they can use their "disease" as a crutch their entire life and explain away behaviors that Normies don't do.

I don't need my husband for anything, never have, not financial, not sexual, not emotional, not anything because he is always stuck in some phase of his disease process. Sometimes I think my HP is trying to tell me hit the bricks and never look back, but then other times I remember there are somethings I do love about the man. I guess what irritates me is the thought of sitting around waiting to see if he "gets healthy or not". I have been alone far to long, during active meth use, during recovery attempts, relapses and it's getting really old and by being alone I mean missing the true connection and companionship of a significant other and all that it brings to the table. I work a pretty good program but as we all know we hit bumps in the road like this. I love and like me just fine, I have learned lots and use the tools daily. I have come to terms that he will never be anything other than an active addict or a recovering addict and that I will always be next to last on his list in his life. I do however think that at some point you can't blame your disease constantly for avoiding other issues that you created, were involved in and created chaos in by using your addiction as a crutch. I am not unsympathetic in the least to him trying to recover. Maybe I have this thought because it really is time to throw in the towel, for me this is a road block in my recovery and it doesn't seem that anyone really cares, I constantly have to hear about his needs. Oh well, I will ask my HP to guide me to make the right decision at the right time.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Speaking for myself, it took a couple years to really start acting like a grown up. 90 days while living in halfway is so early on. I get that you want and deserve an adult responsible husband. You may choose not to wait for him. At 90 days...stepping up to the plate is largely just not using. I can understand being sick of hearing it but he won't be a functional grown up for a while...asking angrily "when do they have the A step up to the plate" would be the same as asking angrily "when do they tell those Alanon people to move on!" They don't specifically do that. It is a spiritual program where it happens in varying degrees and at different time rates. For a repeatedly relapsing meth addict, I would think it may take a very long time. He's not in a place to be reliable husband, money maker...etc... You write that you don't expect this from him, but are angry and calling it a cop out at the same time. It's not unreasonable to want more from your husband, but it sounds like the struggle is with really coming to terms with that he can't give it, he may never, and if he does, it will take a long time. Sounds like you want answers and want to know where the relationship stands now and even if that came at the expense of his sobriety. None of this is fair for you. It just seems that embracing uncertainty, staying in today, and self care (alanon tools) are way more practical now than focusing on uncertainty, unfairness, parts of your life that hinge upon him. One of the risks of him being away was you would stop relying on him completely (sounds like you only rely some emotionally and gave up a lot already). It's okay to just move on for now. He's being totally self focused and you can too. It is a family illness in that it affects everyone in the family. Family recovery is not the model...We each have to have our own recovery. A chronically relapsing meth addict with 90 days sober is still functioning like a 2 year old. It's not fair or right. It just is and it's something you can't control or change. Sorry you are facing this raw deal. I acknowledge you deserve better.

Flower49 · Senior Member

Thanks Pinkchip, I don't know that I feel anger, it's more frustration that he recovers, relapse, recover, relapse. Honestly, my AH couldn't even tell you he ever has heard the word Al-anon and I don't really expect him to support me in any way, shape or form with anything I do. I think I question if he will every be in any place to be a grown up or good husband. I am saying sometimes I feel like he uses the words "sick" and "disease" as a cop out at times, like when he just wants to avoid his issues he created at home. Sometimes I feel like he plays that up a little to his benefit. I don't want to jepordize his sobriety in any way, but he has to at some point come to reality that it's not fair of him to think I am just waiting for him to come home and it's all A-OK, plus we have had no sexual life for 7 years how long should you wait for that, how long do you wait for someone to actually care about you and not just themselves night and day... these are all questions I cannot not answer, but I trust my HP will guide me in the right direction.

Actually, him being away has only increased my abilities to be completely self-sufficient and to do so in a quiet, peaceful, gentle, serene way. The restrictions are providing me with lots of time to really grow myself, detach and honestly move away from him completely, however he doesn't even know that. I guess you are right, recovery counselors need to stop hammering the families with it's a family disease, it affects you all blah, blah, blah because ultimately both programs are kind of selfish in that all you really do is care and think and focus on yourself. Other issues don't seem to really if ever get solved.I just have frustration with all of it and I am ready to take a break from all the recovery. It spins my head to much. I am so grateful though to be able to come to this board whenever I need to, especially when I can run off to a f2f, it helps me so much with all of you here and your sharing. I will be ok, this I know....I just needed to talk through and vent out my frustrations and it is good to do that with folks who are the same as me :)

Flower49 · Senior Member

Sorry folks, just a quick update. I was just called and told my AH is off restrictions as of last night and that he can call me and I can call him. We just cannot have any craziness etc., which now that I am in a very different place won't happen again. I am not going to call him though and just let him reach out when he decides to. I think it might be better if I don't make the call first. What do you all think?

Luiza · Senior Member

I think it is a good idea.
Meanwhile try and concentrating on you and on what makes you happy today.
Good luck!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I think that is a good plan, let him reach out. Do some fun things, laugh and have a great time...connect with people that love you. It is hard, but have no expectations of him, none. You sound strong and independent.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it is a good plan if that feels good to you. I am concerned, however, based on some of your shares how nail biting that waiting on him might be for you? I know you shared with PC that you feel more frustrated than angry. The feeling word that comes to me when I read your shares is fear. That doesn't mean that you are feeling it, but it appears that way to me in your shares.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Family recovery is not the model.....I wish I would have heard that six years ago.....now this makes complete sense.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

The average person including judges rely on this program as family recovery. How sad

No wonder the children get the short end of the stick. I wish it stated that right in the program pamphlet.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess it's confusing because this is "Alanon Family Groups" but it's for each member of the family to have their own program generally and the A has to have their own before it has a chance of meshing together well at all. Sometimes even then, the recovery of all parties leads in a direction of realizing you weren't a good match with the person to begin with. 12 steps helps people 1st and families indirectly....That's how I see it at least. I fit in to my family completely differently when I changed and worked my program and it took a long time and is still in the works.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks PinkChip for the explanation. I just wish that was explained in the court system.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Of course, you end up going in different directions. I don't think it "always" has to do with the match. If the program is not based on "family growth", the family will not grow together but apart.

You are sharing your most vulnerable self with someone other than your spouse. No wonder there are affairs. You would mistake that for real intimacy and love. I am not saying those don't happen outside the program. It just makes way more sense. Like I said I wish they would state that right in the program pamphlets then families could make a choice if AA and Al-anon is the recovery method for their family.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I keep thinking of the book Getting Them Sober Vol 1 and 2 .. Flowers I really encourage you to read that series while it's not CAL Lit it has a wealth of information about ourselves and what we contribute and what we want vs the A.

Something that book drives home is .. he's going to drink or not drink .. what are YOU going to do? I think you could take that to be he's going to call or not call what are YOU going to do? Do you want to sit on the sidelines of life waiting for that call to happen OR live your life and get yourself healthy.

Honestly, ... have you considered maybe your spouse didn't want contact with you and told the guy who polices the phone .. I don't want to talk to her .. I don't want to hurt her feelings .. and if he has .. maybe instead of focusing on him .. you can decide what YOU want vs what might be best for him, while twiddling your thumbs?

Do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps? Going to meetings is GREAT .. not progressing with the steps ... nothing is going to change.

Hugs S :)

PS - I've not followed your story so maybe some of these are redundant questions .. it just seems to me you do deserve a lot better than sitting on the sidelines. I wound up getting very resentful about waiting for my STBAX to get better and he didn't .. he decided he didn't want me and that left me floundering. Now .. I'm in a much better place. I had to do the work.

Flower49 · Senior Member

RE: Still no communication UPDATE

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

RE: Still no communication

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

To piggyback on PC's - insofar as airing dirty laundry - everybody there has there own dirty laundry to air. Once all the secrets are out - who cares anymore? No more secrets. No more dirty laundry. Everybody humbled. All hopefully ready to heal and rebuild themselves and their lives.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

My suggestion would be to take your eyes off him as much as you can. Look at you and your life, look to build yourself up so that what he does doesnt impact much on you. Detach with love, so that you can be civil and supportive but your main duties are to make life good for you. His disease means he cant be depended on financially, emotionally, physically. If he provides for you in any way it is a bonus. I hope he gets sober and works on himself but I think the important thing here is you working on yourself until you rely only on yourself for everything. Your happiness, peace of mind, serenity is all dependant on you and not him. Good luck, I know how hard it is.x

-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 11th of July 2014 05:24:41 AM

Flower49 · Senior Member

el-cee, thanks for your post. I actually don't rely on him for anything financial as he has not worked for 8 years and just started a job. I basically already know how to have pretty much my whole life relied on myself for me. I agree with you detach with love and provide civil conversation with him as for supporting him with recovery I can do that, it's a matter of not jumping into that fire with him because he has had so many failed attempts, that I don't honestly believe this time around he will stay sober.

I agree with removing my eyes from him and focusing on me. I know for fact that it would really rock my peace of mind to attend the AA thing on Saturday so I am not going to go. It is to much to soon and too fast, so with that said I will pace myself on when I can do things with him and allow myself to say no at times because I know for me when it doesn't feel right or good at that minute.

For everyone that doesn't know my entire story with my AH. I lost my mind had a mental breakdown and freaked out at the 1/2 way house. Buttons were being pushed by him, manipulation and on and on and restrictions were placed on him and I to have no contact at all. There are issues with egos from the staff along with arrogant attitudes and lots of judgements. The one guy actually screamed in my face and spit came out of his mouth that he is a counselor and that he can open up any mail or letter addressed to my husband (they had called and asked me to give him his original Social Security Card and Birth Certificate so he could start his job which I placed in a sealed envelope) and I told him no you cannot that is violation of mail laws and HIPAA and he continued to scream with spittle flying out that he was a counselor, I had no business telling him about privacy laws so basically I felt defensive and backed into a corner and told him Hey in all reality let's call a spade a spade, your just a drunk and druggie and counselor or not you aren't any better than anyone walking the face of the earth. He proceeded to tell me well honey I think you are sicker than anyone I ever knew. I told him to never call me honey ever again as it was unprofessional and I was certainly not his honey. I guess you can't say those things to the powers that be in the house. The whole thing was sickening, but as my counselor told me, it happened, reflect on it, learn from it and let it go. I can say that today I have learned from it and have let it go.

All of this is the past and I have made appropriate amends to the appropriate people with the help of my counselor and sponsor. I can only live for today, continue to keep doing things that make me happy like painting every room in my house, talking to my adorable g-baby every day, hanging out with my daughter every Sunday for Sunday Funday at the pool, read literature every morning and every night. It is hard, but I also know that when I don't do the hard work, I make no progress.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I read a strong woman working the program. I am glad you are seeing the answers to your questions and acting on them. Happy weekend at the pool and being with your daughter and grandbaby.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know....there is something wrong with this 1/2 way house. If your AH needs his SS card and BC he can come and get it himself is my thoughts. I would just keep ALL focus on myself and let go for now.

(((( hugs ))))

Flower49 · Senior Member

Cathyinaz, thank you for your response, yes I agree there is something weird with this whole program and not like any 1/2 way house I have ever heard about. They are not allowed to leave the facility other than going to work, AA or activities with only the group of guys in the house. I am working hard to focus on just me and let lots of things go. Again, thank you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm wondering if it is because he was criminally adjudicated to go to this place....??

Flower49 · Senior Member

That may be it, but honestly I have to stop obsessing over it, work on me and let all of it go. This is his program not mine, while I don't whole heartedly agree that the family is just kicked to the curb, I have no control over that either so I have to let it go.

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