New here. Wife of a drug user/alcoholic, can't take much more. - Al-Anon Family Group

JaneSmall · Member

New here. Wife of a drug user/alcoholic, can't take much more.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. Welcome to MIP. I understand that breaking point you're talking about. I reached it, too. For me, the drugs were the worst because they were illegal and my kids and I were constantly put in jeopardy by his addiction(s). He was also abusive although at first I was counseled by priests and believed them when they told me I was married for life and had to figure out what I was doing that made him beat me. So, it took me a little longer to separate from him than I might have.

We don't give advice in Al-Anon. We do share our experiences, strength and hope. My strength came from my HP to make the changes I could make to get both my kids and me away from the drugs. My hope came from a lot of support in the form of Al-Anon, a counselor and a grief group in the beginning. Al-Anon does suggest that newcomers don't make any changes for the first six months after attending meetings except in the case of abuse. I do think that drug use around adults and children is abuse because both the adult(s) and the children are breathing that stuff in and have no voice plus there is no way to test for what it is laced with if anything unless you want to get a home drug testing kit, but that may not show everything you might need to know. In our locale, even an adult who lives in it but doesn't smoke can be arrested because a drug test will show that the drug is in everyone's system who is breathing it in. Police aren't always going to try to take the time to determine who is really using it and who is living with it.

For a short-term solution, I do hope you will attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings in your area for your sake. You will find help and hopefully gain information on the next steps to take for you and for your children. Keep coming back here, too.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 6th of July 2014 03:22:47 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP, I am glad you found us. You are not alone. Grateful gave you some wonderful counsel. Read through the many posts here, attend the online meetings and keep coming back! There is peace and serenity waiting for you through the 12 steps smile

JaneSmall · Member

Thank you :)

Just to be clear on something, he doesn't smoke around the children, it was in the bathroom with the fan on and he wouldn't open the door to my youngest because of this.

That's the only positive! The fact he filled the bathroom with smoke so I could clearly tell he'd been smoking is bad enough. What if one fo the kids needed the loo when he left??

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

As the disease progresses, I find myself wondering if that "in the bathroom with the fan on" will continue. And yes, I agree, what if you or the children need to use the bathroom? When the heat's on, the drug will also be circulated in the house. I also find myself thinking that the pot is not going to be enough after awhile. It doesn't give the same high as heroine. Regardless of what he does, I do know there is hope for you and help in Al-Anon.

JaneSmall · Member

Sorry I only stumbled across this page googline! Where do I find online sessions?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Right here. At the top of our board, you will see information about on-line meetings and chat rooms. We have two meetings a day here.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Jane. You have received powerful support here and I would just like to suggest that if this is your real name you change it to a fictitious one so that you remain antonymous.

JaneSmall · Member

Well we've been arguing all night! Very different this time as I usually back down and we end up discussing how I can make things easier on HIM!

Not today! And he doesn't like it. I've made it very clear I won't listen to his sob stories or the fact that it's all my fault, not listening. And now he's just gone to bed pissed off because I've chucked his weed away! He was his typical woe is me self, how hard his life has been, how he needs weed to feel calm, how I should be nicer etc until he realised his weed had been chucked, then it was 'You can't throw things out that don't belong to you, I work hard, you need to start being more understanding'. After I've just been lied to AGAIN by him, trust gone AGAIN, because of him! Hell no!

He was only animated when he wanted his weed back! I've really had it. I can't afford for him to move out though, and I'm not sure that's what I want. I want him to stop lying to me. If he had come to me weeks ago telling me he was stressed and wanted a smoke we would have been having a completely different discussion! I wouldn't be happy, and he'd know about it, but at least I'd know I could trust him to tell me the truth!

Now every time he goes to the shop for milk, or to work, or even the piggin bathroom I'm going to be paranoid!

JaneSmall · Member

hotrod wrote:
Welcome Jane. You have received powerful support here and I would just like to suggest that if this is your real name you change it to a fictitious one so that you remain antonymous.

Hi, thanks, it's ok, it's my forum name, not mine :D

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

He isn't going to tell you the truth in my experience. My x didn't go anywhere without a joint. I didn't have to be nervous about it. He just plain ole did it and was going to do it. He continued to do it until the day he died. The difference is that when he died, I was no longer involved with his choices and my life was again my own. It was safe. No drugs. No ugly surprises. For the most part, serene. I couldn't afford loss of his income either and more importantly, I couldn't afford the loss of my life, my sanity or my kids. It was a financial struggle for awhile, but as I grew stronger, so did my income. He spent his on drugs and was thousands of dollars in arrears with child support when he died and lots of creditors that fortunately I wasn't on the hook for since I had separated my finances from his early on as the disease progressed.

JaneSmall · Member

I can't go to face to face meetings, I live in a very community led village, everyone knows everyone so there's no way it would be anonymous :(

I have found the chat room though, thank you. How long do they last for? I take my children to school for 9am but I'm back by 9:15?

JaneSmall · Member

grateful2be wrote:
He isn't going to tell you the truth in my experience. My x didn't go anywhere without a joint. I didn't have to be nervous about it. He just plain ole did it and was going to do it. He continued to do it until the day he died. The difference is that when he died, I was no longer involved with his choices and my life was again my own. It was safe. No drugs. No ugly surprises. For the most part, serene. I couldn't afford loss of his income either and more importantly, I couldn't afford the loss of my life, my sanity or my kids. It was a financial struggle for awhile, but as I grew stronger, so did my income. He spent his on drugs and was thousands of dollars in arrears with child support when he died and lots of creditors that fortunately I wasn't on the hook for since I had separated my finances from his early on as the disease progressed.

I'll be in even more mess. We have debts up to our eyeballs that we can barely afford to pay now, we're in arrears with everything including several hundred on rent. If he leaves and chooses not to help I will lose my car and my house and most of my belongings to pay for other debts. I feel completely trapped.

I'm not even sure if I want to split. He's Jekyll and Hyde, he's either miserable and lying to me, or lovely and attentive. More of the former but the man I married still shows himself sometimes and it's that I'm clinging on to. He's still there and both him and I need help to get the lovely husband brought back to the surface.

I guess what I'm saying is I still have hope and I'm still willing to try. I have no idea if he feels the same, he's certainly not showing that. He's utterly selfish and thinks of no one but himself. He thinks because he works and does housework he's some sort of saint and deserves to do what he wants.

He also thinks because he's overcome a heroine addiction and been through a load of crap in his life that he has the right to treat me this way.

I've been beaten by my ex, had to deal with the consequences of what he did to my children, had to go through courts to keep them safe, lost my dad at a young age, had to deal with life long emotional issues my children have because of having a neglectful abusive father which is going to be a battle for the rest of their lives, facing courts for debts, constantly stressed and worried we're going to lose everything, and so much more, but I don't feel like the world owes me something, nor do I lie to my husband or hurt him and make excuses for it. He is a man just like everyone else, nothing special. He needs to grow up, stop acting like a kicked puppy, and be a decent man.

He knows he can talk to me about anything, and he has done. I know everything about him and his past and his mistakes, he can tell me anything. I've been there for him through a lot of crap and have stood by him despite everything he has put me through, lost good friends along the way for him. So for him to treat me like this is a massive kick in the teeth.

I'm so sorry for ranting, I've tried and failed to explain the effects of what his lying has done and all he can respond with is how I should be nicer to him!

JaneSmall · Member

blessed wrote:
Glad you're here. One thing you will see again and again is you can't do anything to make the addict stop. Not flushing weed; dumping liquor/beer; threats, etc. If they want to use they aer going to use. And they will lie to accomplish that. Don't be shocked. It is what they do.
You did not cause it; You cannot control it; and You cannot cure it.
You CAN change your mind, heart, behavior and attitude. AlAnon can help. Face to face meetings are great. There is this forum and also live online meetings. There are books and literature. There are a lot of tools that will help YOU. There are other tools for the alcoholic/addict but this is for you. It will help you get off of the merry go round, and stop the madness. We are part of the problem; not part of the solution. We have our own illness: insanity. It is humbling, but it is true. And the awareness of that is huge, and will break the chains we have put upon ourselves.
Each time you think about his negative actions, dismiss them. Think something positive about you. Write it down. Keep doing that until positive thoughts are more numerous than negative thoughts. Get the steps and work on Step 1.
Keep coming back. It works if you work it; and you're worth it.

Ok I feel stupid now, where are the steps? lol

So what you're saying is I've either got to accept him being a drug user and allow him to treat me this way, or kick him out? No option 3?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Jane I am glad that is not your real name :)

OPTion 3--- Keep coming back. Search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. If that is not possible come here on line and attend. Learn new constructive tools to live by. Learn to keep the focus on yourself, your needs,live one day at a time, rebulding your self esteem and you will discover a new path opening out that you never thought possible

Please keep coming back It is all a process and takes time. We have a Step Board here as well'check it out

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

The greatest choice you have right now is whether or not you will begin to heal you, then take the steps necessary to do so. Once you begin to heal, you will be able to make healthy choices for you and your children. Right now you cannot. His addictions have nothing to do with you...they affect you, of course. They will affect you less as you begin to work YOUR recovery.

My pride kept my out of al non many years ago because I lived in a small town...that was a poor, destructive reason for me not to go to al anon. I did not know it then or didn't trust it, but what is said in the rooms of al anon stays in the rooms of al anon and I have never experienced anyone deviating from that promise. Your anonymity will be protected. I know now my life is more important than my silly pride. (((hugs)))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Jane: Our group is a friendly bunch who will be glad you're there no matter what time you get there.

In sharing my own experience, it was not in order to suggest you leave him, but to let you know how I handled the situation and why I did it. My primary suggestion is the same as the others - Al-Anon for support, education and hearing the stories of others in like circumstances. Whatever you decide to do it will be better decided with the help and hope you'll find in the rooms.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Jane))))
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I was just thinking about what it must be like to be in an alanon meeting in a small town and imagining myself sitting in the room and seeing someone I know come through the doors. I'm wondering what my reaction my be. I don't think that I would feel in any way negatively about that person. I would think that they were brave. And I would be sorry that their life had brought them to this place and I would be relieved that I was there to support and help this other person. I am constantly grateful that none of us are alone or have to deal with this on our own.

karma13 · Senior Member

Alanon is the safe place, the right place to be. I do believe that your anonymity will be protected, even in a small town. I could not have gotten the focus off my husband and back on myself where it rightfully belongs without face to face meetings. I remember when I first came in, my total focus on what he was doing, if he was watching porn, drinking, talking to other women, raging at someone or lying. I wasted a lot of my me time watching and monitoring what he was doing. I was so other and outer focused, I didn't even realize who I was or what I wanted. Alanon saved my life and gave me personal freedom and choices. I no longer look through his things or check up on him. His life is not my business, but my life is. I made new friends in the program and I learned about things I could do to take care of myself, like exercise, pray and meditate, read recovery material, or call a trusted program friend. One of my best friends in the program taught me a saying I just love, it's I'm no longer curious about things that might upset me. I literally had a addiction to looking, I learned it from my mother when I was a child. I had to learn to stop snooping and stop asking questions? And just sit quietly with my hp. It took a while in the program to break the addiction to watching, asking and snooping, and I'll never be sure it's fully gone. I do know it's been a long time since I looked and the desire isn't there anymore. You asked would you have to accept his behavior? For me once I got the focus back on myself. I was able to step into my own personal power and what he was doing was no longer a issue. A lot of his behavior improved when I gave him the dignity to make his own choices, that's only my experience though. I hope you keep coming back and sharing your progress. Blessings ;)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Everybody in the rooms are there for the same reason you are there. I've been in Al-Anon since 1979. My story, my presence there, even my full name is kept there by my peers. One thing I'm sure we all get is the fact that anonymity is a sacred trust that we offer ourselves and we offer each other. We keep the focus on ourselves and not on our As so telling our entire story to the group is seldom an option nor is it adviseable. We find a sponsor to share the details more intensely about our lives and what we are dealing with and we wait to choose those sponsors until we know more about them and whether or not they are truly walking the walk and not just talking the talk.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Jane I have invited you to pm. Post to you only. just click under your name on the you have a message.debilyn hugs!

JaneSmall · Member

That's something I find difficult to understand. His addictions are none of my business? How can that be so? He's living under my roof, his addictions affecting me and my children. How can it not be my business when he's causing everyone in the house so much upset?

Please don't take this post as arguing, I'm just asking and trying to understand. By saying what he does is none of my business surely that is just ignoring the problem and letting him treat us all like crap? Also, ignoring his behaviour and focusing more on me, and talking about my concerns to people outside my marriage, isn't that just going to make us drift further apart? We've already drifted in a big way. My idea of marriage is being able to talk to your partner about your concerns and worries and work through them together, not ignore a bad behaviour because it's none of my business what he does?

This is what I'm struggling to understand. In my eyes, when he drinks, when he lies etc he is directly affecting me and my children. I can't tolerate a rambling drunk when my children are in bed. I can't just ignore that because it's his choice what he does to his body?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Jane I can so understand your confusion and concern. What is being said is that no matter what, no matter how you try , you are powerless over the addict and their behavior Trying to change them or enforce your values will only lead to failure and more frustration,

You do have choices. It is suggested that you keep the focus on yourself, your needs, and take the most constructive actions available to you. Meetings and program help us see our lives and choices more clearly and offer support as we navigate through the pain of living with the dreadful fatal progressive disease.
Please keep coming back

JaneSmall · Member

I'm waiting in the chat room now :)

So if he directly lies to me, is it wrong to call him out and tell him he's upset me and be annoyed? I don't think I would be able to just turn away and ignore it, it's not in my nature. I was with my abusive ex for 5 years who didn't allow me to do anything, speak to anyone, wear what I wanted etc so since then I'm no longer capable of showing weakness and ignoring him lying to me would be weak, in my eyes, on my part, I just couldn't do it.

He knows this about me, it goes as far as how someone asks me to make tea! If they ask, I'll be happy to, if they tell me to put the kettle on I'll flat out refuse. My personality has done a complete 180 since my last relationship as a coping mechanism and I just can't be told what to do or show any weakness any more, I won't let myself be that person again.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do understand I know what you are saying and am happy that you have developed new tools to deal with the world. I too thought I possessed powerful tools and thought they protected me in my relationship-- they did until they stopped working and I was lost. Alanon offered me more constructive tools to deal with the lying, anger, self pity and infidelity than I could ever have developed on my own With the support of others who understand and simple tools like, living one day at a time, focused on myself, my serenity I learned not to engage in insanity and to take care of myself and my self esteem in a new esteemable manner You can too .

Please give us a try You are worth it

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Welcome to MIP Jane

When I first came to the Alanon program I was a little overwhelmed. One of the very first things I learned was to take what I like and leave the rest. At first I left a lot, too much to try to wrap my head around. I found that reading the literature was helpful. I also read the book "When love is not enough" (I don't know if that's approved literature but its the story of Lois Wilson and how Alanon came to be) After awhile I stopped fighting with A and learned to calmly say that if A chose to drink he could not come home. I found in my situation that "drifting" away from the disease would save my sanity. The more forceful I was on demanding A to do the right thing the worse things got. It is a progressive disease and I see it more clearly each day on how I got in the way of A hitting a rock bottom of some sort. I am here to share my experiences and not to give advice. It is your journey to travel and I am here to support you. The first step was important for me. I was powerless over what A chose to do or not do. What was I going to do about it? Read, read and share and listen....and then slowly I found my way onto a steady path.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It took me awhile to see that I needed help, too. I kept thinking that if he'd just change and do what I needed him to do, everything would be just fine and our family would be able to adjust and be a normal family again. I was angry that his substance abuse counselor (after we divorced) suggested I go to Al-Anon. What????!!!!!!!!!! He's the drug addict!!!! I'm not. Well, in a way I was. I was addicted to my thoughts that if he'd change everything could be normal and my kids and I wouldn't have to go through so much. Al-Anon helped me so much - just by letting me be me. Each meeting I went to, I felt a little better although I couldn't put my finger on why. He hadn't changed. My life wasn't the way I wanted it yet. But, meetings helped me be what I needed to be and do what I needed to do for me because he wasn't going to be who I wanted and he wasn't going to do what I needed either. Everything was about him - not me. Al-Anon helped me make it about me, too.

JaneSmall · Member

He's stolen from me this morning. Not much but I had money for milk in my purse for the kids breakfast and he's taken it. He's done this countless times before and says every time he'll ask first if he needs it but because of him my kids couldn't eat breakfast this morning!

I want to leave, I can't cope with much more. It's one thing after another after another. The fact that he can take money from me after what happened the other night shows he doesn't give a s**.

I feel so depressed and miserable. My life is s+++.

Last night I was reading for hours and managed to separate the disease from him. Talking about his drinking and drug use in my head (practicing what to say) I could see the two being different. Him being a victim as much as me, every lie being the addictions fault etc. Still early days so that's as far as I got, I can't forgive him yet for the way he's treated us because bottom line he can choose to be nice and tell the truth, so he chooses to lie, that's all him. But then I wake up and after everything, he's stolen from me. It's the last straw, I can't take this any more.

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 8th of July 2014 06:05:26 AM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Jane, face to face meetings are anonymous. That means you wont be discussed or gossipped about. The only people who will know you attend are the others who attend. Its nothing to be ashamed of, its a courageous thing to do, it means you want help, your willing to do anything to improve your life. I live in a small town and I know some of the members for various reasons, now, they are my friends who I trust more than anyone in the world. Dont let pride take away this experience for you.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Jane, kids going hungry may be the biggest reason to make changes here. Did he go looking for your purse? You cant trust him no matter wnat he says, he will tell you whatever he thinks you will like hearing. Dont give him access to anything. Ive kept things in my bra before, money, keys, phone. Im not saying it was the right thing to do, but I accepted my son was a thief and thieves steal no matter what his mouth was saying.

You have choices jane, you could set a consequence here. Think about it, if a stranger walked in and stole money from you, what would you do? Most likely the right and proper things, phone the police, secure your home so this person could never get in again or get the opportunity to steal from you and your kids again. You would want this person to get the natural consequences, then you get to keep your self respect and sense of justice, your kids see that their mum can protect them in the world, they trust you too. It also tells them stealing is wrong.

Can you do this with this guy? It would be the right thing to do for everyone concerned, he would know that you wont put up with this any longer, your kids will know they can rely on you to do the right thing for them and yourself. You would feel so much more empowered and in control of your life, maybe not at first. The first feelings are, he never meant it, he cant help it, he loves us really, its a shame for him. Him, him, him. That was all I thought of. When I should have been thinking, the kids and me. Hes a grown man, making his own choices here. He has a disease but its no reason for what hes done. He made a choice. If you let him away with this it will keep on and get worse, it always does. No amount of talking changes this im afraid, its only action. Its hard but whats the alternative, it gets worse and worse, you get worse and worse and so does your kids, if you do nothing your kids think stealing is ok too.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

He is killing himself, are you going to let him take you and the kids down with him? This is your choice now and it is a choice. You are not a victim. He is victimizing you, but you are not a victim. You have taken some great steps by reading and going online....living with an A changes us slowly until there is overwhelming confusion. Keep reaching for your sanity, learning about the 12 steps and let recovery return you to clear thinking. You can do it! (((Hugs)))

-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 8th of July 2014 07:16:25 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Just because it's a disease and it is eroding his choices and behavior does not mean that it's acceptable or something you can live with. Staying versus leaving is your choice. Generally, all the pleading, shaming, and checking is futile because they have an obsession that tells them the drinking/drugging is not a problem and that the problem is really you getting upset and harping over it. It's insanity. Alanon gives you tools to help detach, focus on self, and know you will be okay no matter what. Your life is not s###. It's very valuable and you have lots of skills and talents that will help you persevere regardless of him.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

He's doing what addicts do. It's not personal although it feels personal to you. I moved my x out of the house and changed the locks. He just wanted to party - he didn't want to be a husband or a father so he didn't fight not being able to get back in the house. He could party to his heart's content without interference from me. My children were 18 months old and 3 at the time. We were deeply in debt and I made $4.50 an hour on a part time basis in an insurance company at the time. Dropping fear and simply listening deeply within to myself, I recognized the next action steps I could take to protect myself and my children from an abusive addict and I took them. Keeping my focus on him and what he was doing was replaced by focusing on me and what I was doing. By focusing on myself and the children only, I recognized my power to change what I could change one day at a time. It wasn't easy and it was challenging to live my life without him in it physically and I'm glad I made that choice. He was not only stealing food from my kids mouths buying his drugs and refusing to go to work, he was stealing from my desire to live a life that didn't include drugs and continual chaos and drama in it. I agree with PC. Your life is not in the dirt forever. It is just at a crossroads for now and it asks what are you going to do now? There is no wrong or right answer to the question. There is just your answer and that is the right way for you now until you make another choice and take another action that seems right to you then. It was helpful for me to focus on what I had going for me and what I could do rather than focusing on what I didn't have and what I couldn't do, too. You have assets and reasons to be grateful, too, Jane. If you list them, you might feel more centered and able than scared and uncertain?

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. Have you asked him to go into rehab? Maybe he could get disability payments while he attends inpatient rehab? So you could still have an income from him but also a break from him at the same time while you figure things out. If he doesn't agree, then you can decide what to do. Just an idea. Not sure if this has been discussed in these responses.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I think grateful2be's experience is an example of a strong woman really working the program and taking care of herself and her kids.

JaneSmall · Member

Rehab is not an option, he's self employed so he won't be paid a penny for time off.

We're both kind of trying to talk but I'm still so angry I can't without shouting. His replies to me are all about what he wants, what he needs, me, me, me, me, me! I've said so many things about what I'm feeling, the way his lying is messing my head up, how miserable I am and he's not even acknowledged any of it. I told him it's not the weed that's the problem it's the lying. His reply was 'I only want to smoke now and again'. Not even listening to me! So i end up shouting which isn't going to get us anywhere!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

What actions will you be taking for your health and well being? When I had complained to others that my husband was not listening to me, often I would not be listening to others with good counsel for me...I just talked louder that my husband was not hearing me. We have provided a great deal of wisdom, experience and guidance.

The weed is actually a big problem as your husband is an addict. I am not saying any of this to offend you, I understand completely...I truly wish you the best.

-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 8th of July 2014 07:54:06 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

IOP would be a more appropriate level of care for him at the moment. Using weed "now and then" will be another disaster as it seems he is still struggling with the most basic fact of addiction. He cannot drink or use mind altering substances safely or in moderation. Supposing he "honestly" wants to use heroin once in a while? How would that work? The lying is what bothers you the most but it really is about addiction because all of his efforts to "get away with", swap drugs of choice, control and/or limit use are based upon a lie. He is an addict. He has shown that with multiple drug
s, alcohol, other things. Until he surrenders to this, all you are going to get is lies about his using, controlling it, not getting as bad because it's a less "harmful" drug. To me...This sounds all about addiction and the lies seem to all stem from ongoing addict thinking and which is him believing he can use any drug recreational and you somehow thinking him being honest about this fundamental lie/connundrum will help. It won't. It will keep you on the merry go round. It is about addiction and the lying is part of that.

JaneSmall · Member

So what can I say to him to make him understand that? Because he doesn't see weed as a problem.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He didn't see occasional heroin use as a problem...until it was. He didn't see alcohol as a problem until it was...didn't see porn as a problem until it was....

You can share with him this opinion...Not judging but out of concern that he's an addict who just keeps trying to allow addiction back in the picture in different ways rather than embracing sobriety and a life of rigorous honesty. You can share your concern that he always seems to be looking for a "fix" of some sort and he's too old and has too many responsibilities to be dragged down like that. You can tell him you need a sober husband and not one that has gaps in functioning to the degree that he needs to check out and indulge in these behaviors so much. You can encourage him to look inward through AA (or another 12 step program) and/or counseling rather than always looking for things outside himself to make him feel better.

In the end, Addiction might overpower all of those arguments, facts, pleas....It's so sad how an addict is just blind to what they do and how they repeat the same thing over and over and over yet refuse to see the obvious root of it all. So you might not be able to "make him" see any of this and that is where your alanon program will really be tested. You will then have some hard decisions to make about what you can tolerate or not and if you can draw boundaries he will respect and if not...what will you do? I wish it were simple enough to just be able to make him see he's an addict that needs recovery.

Sounds like he thinks because he has kicked heroin without ongoing meetings and 12 step participation, that he believes falsely that he can control his use of these things when really addiction is still kicking his ass all over the place and rearing up in different forms.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.