Two kids 11 & 14 and a constantly drunk wife - Al-Anon Family Group

robertnewala · Newbie

Two kids 11 & 14 and a constantly drunk wife

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Brother...we understand and there are other brothers here who will probably also jump in. I relate and I was married to an alcoholic addict and an addict before that. I come form the disease of alcoholism and am also a "double", and Al-Anon Family Group member who wishes to never drink again. I married my second wife feeling that it was the last thing I wanted to do and intending to not go thru with it however my compulsion and addiction to save and fix won out again and I started to do what I had done for a lifetime before...enable. I found the Al-Anon Family Groups by direction and not will. My HP led me to the white pages of my local telephone book and caused me to make that hotline phone call which resulted in my there after lifetime fellowship. Alcoholism is incurable as I come to believe is enabling. If not this alcoholic...then that one and maybe that one also. I did it so often it almost became a career. The boys are Al-Anon qualified if there are no Alateen meetings available. In traduce them to understanding and recovery also. Let them into your literature stash and if you haven't built the stash as of yet you can start soon. You haven't got her sober and she hasn't wanted to do it for you or anyone else. Alcoholism owns her and this is and incurable disease with but three choices,,,sobriety, insanity and/or death. Doesn't do any good at all to get angry with a disease cause it will run at you and the family all the time. The compulsion of the mind is nuclear and chances are outside of a miracle only the intense pain of the progression of it will cause her to seek relief. Good try on getting her there and don't worry about the blame. Alcoholics blame so that they don't have to listen to "that voice" from the inside telling them they have a problem and they are responsible. Blame is normal and often not truthful.

I remember when my own alcoholic/addict tried it with me and I calmly faced her directly and said calmly and knowingly "that's not true" and she stopped trying to convince me that her drinking was the result of something or other that I thought, felt or did. You didn't CAUSE this, you cannot CONTROL it and you will never be able to CURE it. (3cees of Al-Anon) Do keep attending your meetings regularly and listen for the suggestions that others are doing which help them to find peace of mind and serenity whether the alcoholic is still practicing or not. Open the doors for your sons so that they have tools also. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Robert Welcome Glad that you have found alanon and are attending. Reaching out here is also a great step in helping your own recovery.

Living with the disease of alcoholism does affect all who share their lives. Trying to force solutions often leaves us feeling irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it,

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As you know alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless . Although we are powerless over the disease we are not helpless. Alanon gave me the tools that enable me to rebuild my self esteem and learn new constructive tools to live by.

This is a "WE" program We cannot do this alone so please keep coming back

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to mip! This is a tough one, kids and an A parent. I have seen this so many times and it breaks my heart.

When it comes to kids, for me, my experience is to not allow it to happen. Its horrible what they experience when they are alone with the A using. Honestly, it destroys them. They can say oh I am used to it, or whatever, but its not true. Its up to us as adults to protect children.

The A is going to do what they are. We can do nothing about that. We learn to have the strength and knowledge to make our own and our kids lives healthy, and put it to action.

The A has to learn that they will lose everything, that is their consequence. We hope at some point they may get a light bulb moment and take it into recovery of course. But until then, the disease is killing the A, are we going to allow it to kill us our kids and are pets too?

I am glad you found us. hugs

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Robert, this happened to me too, I took on all the responsibility, let him slip further into alcohol, felt angry and resentful for years. I played the martyr, gave him a free ride. Only you have the power to change this for yourself. Think about the choices you have. If she doesnt work how does she afford drink? Stop money going to her, its yours, dont pay for her to drink, you could be helping her die. You could do nice things with your sons, regardless of what she is doing, why should they suffer, and they will be, you dont have to be mean either, just claim back your life. Alanon is where I learned to do this, I learned that the right thing is allowing the alcoholic to feel the consequences of their own actions, after all, its the consequences tnat we feel that help us modify our behaviour, we behave when we learn from our consequences. Good luck and thanks for sharing.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of great e/s/h here. I just want to say welcome, keep coming back, and good for you in going to Al-Anon.

Jona · Newbie

Hello,

At Al-Anon groups I am always intrigued by the males who have Alcoholic wives with children. This is my family. My sister has been married to my brother-in-law for 12 years, they have 3 beautiful healthy children. Over the last 10 years I have watched (and before Al-Anon, tried to stop) all of my sisters destruction and watched my brother-in-law try to pick up the pieces to make everything alright for their children. She was an amazing teacher and my best friend before her decline, she was brilliant and strong. I cannot believe how things have changed. My dad is sick and my mother takes care of my sister's children when my brother-in-law is working or I cannot and my sister is nowhere to be found to be present for any of this. I am so afraid the kids will grow up thinking misery, chaos and self-destruction is normal. I wish he would divorce her. I feel like my mother has 'helped' her so much and my brother-in-law has stuck with her through it all that it has enabled her and made her worse. She is impossible now. She has been to jail, rehab and hospitals so many times, and now she suffers brain damage from a stroke that occurred due to one of her many withdrawl related seizures and now faces many health obstacles but wasted very little time after the hospital to get back to drinking. She says she lives for her children. I am sorry I sound so hostile, I know I need to go to a meeting, I have not been for months. All al-anon folks know, you never know what to expect everyday with your alcoholic. You never know if you are going to get that call from the police or how the day is going to turn out and with kids involved it has become all the more delicate. My mother always blames my brother-in-law for not being loving enough to my sister and it drives me crazy. She would never go to an Al-Anon meeting, she gives me the speech about how she was a counselor and knows all the theory and jargon of it all and does not need any strangers to give her lessons. But Al-Anon has been the only thing keeping me sane and making me feel like I am not alone. Thanks for listening. I am so glad I found this outlet.

-J

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Jenny. I can relate to your post and have experienced that total powerlessness that you are over my alcoholic relatives, my codependent relatives, the children involved in the destructive path of the disease and the loss of relationships to persons with this disease who can't or won't get into treatment and stay with it. The only person I've ever really been able to help is me because the disease didn't give a hoot about how I thought or felt about my loved ones. I did though and I knew I had to get help for myself and stick with it because I was swallowing bitter pills of anger, frustration, resentment and despair. I haven't been able to help one person in my family get sober, get help in Al-Anon or make choices I'd like to see them make. I have been able to see clearly how alcoholism was hurting me and robbing me of peace and joy in my life. I have changed so many ways of seeing, feeling and behaving that have benefitted me and although my son is still using as are multiple sibs and children are affected in my family by all of it, I have been able to find ways to enjoy my life, experience peace and feel joy again and hand my loved ones to their HP.

Keep coming back and continuing in Al-Anon. It has and will make a big difference for you and it does work if you work it.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Robert,

I know that feeling of being angry all the time. My AW has been in two rehabs, and had two DUI convictions. She is now in recovery, but getting there was pure hell.

There is no justice in you working two jobs and her sitting around drinking. I have been there too. My AW is a stay-at-home mom, even after she got a job last summer, she would drink at night and pass out.

The only justice will be in you getting over the anger. Anger seethes and burns from the inside, until there is only a hollow shell left. I had lots of anger at my AW. Lots. And I had plenty of justification for it, just as I am sure you do too. But I finally figured out that anger was eating me alive. Not only that, but she would use it as fuel to argue and justify that she should drink. So, through Al Anon, I found recovery. I must say that I discovered my anger after she got into recovery, so it wasn't as hard to get over as if she had still been active. But if she had been active, I would have gotten rid of that too. For me most of the secret was really in the first step. once I realized I had no power over alcohol, and that she also had no power over alcohol, things fell into place for me. I found serenity.

Now neither one of us lets us lose our own serenity. If something happens that threaten it, we will tell each other, and work it out. If an irreconcilable difference comes up, then we will re-evaluate the marriage. Our serenity is more important than that, because without serenity, the dance of anger just starts again, and being happy and unmarried is better than both of us being miserable together because of something either of us refuses to change.

keep coming back
Kenny

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.