The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Is it normal to hate your a bf?i e been unable to cope all day due to his blame ing me for his affairs,I feel soo much hate for him I e got to let it go and somehow realize what he really is I need to also stop letting him see me like this.what happens if I were to get cleaned up and just leave and go out .prolly nothing cause he knows just what he done by haveing affairs,he is even trying to convince me that they didn't sleep together that they only met at a hotel for a little while,that makes it worse his liwing,I don't even know what to do or say to him or what since I've now allowed him to stay here.i e got to stop fussing at him though.and try to turn it all around somehow or at least know what to say to him and how to deal with him. HELP,plz....hugs lookingup and trying to get through this I went to alanon meeting.still I need more esh on this.ty
I dont blame you, your hurting. Maybe its okay to not say anything until you feel better. Alanon meetings will help you, have you got any literature? If not try searching the internet, read up on the tools. Keep reaching out here, sending you my love.
Good work Lookingup Going to a meetings is a great step. Now I would like to ask you stop. sit quietly and write our your assets and your gratitude on a piece of paper. Then say the serenity prayer, take 10 deep breaths and then come back and post the list here.
I will start you off. Looking up assets list: She is Kind, compassioane, supportive, generous, loving, generous. Gratitide She has her own home, she has her health, her faith in a HP,
Now you add to these.
Aloha Looking...PP just asked a good self reflection question when you are able to ask it. For me you are expressing he Hate condition which was my rage at its highest level and the danger was always that I would hurt someone or myself because of it...Hate for me was rage out of control and what keep it in the bottle or caged was a sponsor or someone just as well that I could net work with quickly. We use to have "meetings after the meeting" where a large group of us would go to coffee and discuss and trade recovery for a good while. That often saved my butt cause it kept me away from the insanity of this disease and with the sanity of recovery. I learned to stop listening to the bs of the disease.
If you read a lot of the post here you will hear about the lying, cheating and stealing over and over and over again so it is never true only a defense on the alcoholics part to not look at and accept the consequences of their own drinking and using. Yes they do have conscious and when it starts to bother them they do not have the courage to face it and do something about it. Their steps are just like ours and also for the same reason.
Go get a sponsor...call someone who has time in recovery that you can talk openly with and who will agree to work with you and ask to sit with her and share recovery.
Keep coming back. Give you a slogan/saying that comes from recovery? Know when an alcoholic is lying?....when their lips are moving. (((((hugs)))))
I hated how I felt. I learned to change the way I thought so that I could also change the way I felt. When I recognized that it was me agreeing to being mistreated, I could put the focus on me and stop doing what I had always done which was agreeing to being "there" no matter what. He wasn't my only chance at love. He was the catalyst for changing what I thought that was just a huge misunderstanding on my part. I realized later that the love I was seeking was already in me and not outside me. Love truly is an inside job.
Hate means a lot of anger which means a lot of pain and a great need to protect yourself. Hate and anger push the other person away which is a protective measure on our parts. So it sounds to me as if your hate is signalling that you are trying to protect yourself.
The saying that helped me the most was "My choices, my results." When I hated the results, I had the power to make different choices. Take good care of yourself.
The hate you are feeling may just be confusion because you know he is lying. I have found in my experience if they cheat once it is a lot easier to cheat the second and third time etc, be careful, take care of yourself, protect your body, try to see a counsellor one on one if you can afford one.
Beatrice is right when she said : Be grateful he is not your Husband...you have choices. Because what you see in front of you, is what you get
Sorry for the hurt that you're feeling. The meeting was a good idea. I hope you felt supported and loved unconditionally there. Do you have a phone list of people from you meeting who are willing to receive calls? Sometimes we need a little more sharing after the meeting is over. I find get on the phone with people from my meeting can help me feel less alone.
If you don't want to listen to what he's saying, you can maybe go into another room and shut the door, read some alanon books or posts here until you feel a little better. I can really understand that you'd be annoyed by what he's saying but you can make a decision to just ignore him. You don't have to lose your serenity over it. You can tune him out and get busy with something enjoyable for you. Maybe there's something you like on tv or you can put some headphones on with music. You'll be so busy enjoying yourself that when he talks all you'll hear in is whaa wha whaa whaa wha. Hope you'll keep taking care of you. ((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 4th of July 2014 10:59:52 PM
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