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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Well .. now who would have thought :)
Post Info TOPIC: Well .. now who would have thought :)
SerenityRUS


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Well .. now who would have thought :)
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So I kind of had a bit of an epiphany today, I had a go round with my STBAX yesterday afternoon over the visitation .. he's scheduling work when he should have the kids and honestly I'm sure would have forgotten about it had I not text him. 

One of his parting digs was I can take any situation and make it complicated .. now at first that pissed me off and then I had a reality check .. hmm .. if he tells me I'm a parked car does that make it true?  Noooo .. can the situation be more or less complicated ohhh absolutely and I will own that there have been parts of this divorce that have been very complicated and let's see why was that?  Ohhh yes, .. he's bat sh!t cra cra  .. so I'm complicated and he's such a simple man .. simple minded .. absolutely .. simple man .. nooo .. not so much. 

He is insisting NOT to follow the parenting agreement stating I'm not following it .. umm .. yes .. I am .. what the parenting agreement states is that the children have the right to participate in visitation or not .. it is entirely up to them.  Do they want to see him .. of course .. do they want to spend the night .. NO.  Why is that, let me count the ways .. LOL .. I won't because I have bored you all with why they don't for far to long and I don't need to justify any of it.  He has been the one now on 2 different occasions to blow the children completely off.  One of them being he just forgot because he can't be bothered to think .. the other was the "dying" picture he sent of his mother .. I'm fascinated because .. it's true enough to validate a story like that .. where was he when the kids and I went to see her? 

He's working today which is financially great for the kids and I.  He won't be after this I'm sure and he has no clue that I am fully aware of his OT, Bonuses and all of the other money he's been hiding.  I would LOVE to know where this money is going because it's not to any bills that is the truth of it.  He's using work to avoid the kids and try to make it my problem and their problem that they aren't seeing him.   

I had to laugh (sad and ironic) when I realized how much reality and fantasy has crashed into his world in the past couple of weeks.  The last part being when he found out that my atty had a stroke and I never said a word about it.  He's probably mad that I threatened court when he was procrastinating about the paperwork for the van .. ugh.  THEN when I started asking questions about the truck and he lied about that as well .. it's amazing to me that he still has this hallucination that just because he says it is true that I'm going to believe him and the stark reality that he's dealing with is .. even when he sends a picture .. I don't believe him. 

His life is truly about to get a whole lot more complicated and it has nothing to do with me.  It has everything to do with his continued poor choices.  I am not angry about this situation now .. sad/disappointed .. yes.  Ohh .. and if I had a say about the kids going there to spend the night they both know .. they would be there .. he's using this as an excuse to be very difficult about visitation and I'm just going to let him.  I decided that based upon the deal that I have .. it's not worth going into court to force the situation .. he constantly believes I'm as stupid as he is .. and I'm just going to let him believe that. 

He is not my friend .. and I am not his .. I won't thwart his efforts to see the kids .. however .. I'm just going to let him face the music with the kids on that side of the deal .. it's just so not my issue.  I was really hoping he would take the kids .. unfortunately he's not going to see them today and he'll see them the rest of the weekend. 

Part of the issue is that he suggested to my 15 year old daughter that she share a bed with her 10 year old brother and she looked at him and said .. SERIOUSLY?  Can I tell you what is wrong with that statement on sooo many levels?  He was actually shocked that she didn't want to and found out that neither did her brother.  I mean REALLY?  They aren't children anymore. 

Anyway, .. all he has to do is keep it simple .. follow the parenting agreement and he would be shocked at how reasonable I can be .. I'm not going to be lied to, manipulated or controlled by him.  Those days are LONG gone. 

One of the freeing thoughts I had is not everyone is going to agree with how I choose to handle things .. can I tell you how much LESS drama I have going on because of the boundaries I have set in place and he's figuring out .. I really mean what I say and I'm just tired of his BS .. I choose to no longer buy what he's selling .. that's not on me .. and his relationship with the kids .. COMPLETELY on him. 

Thanks for letting me share .. S :)

 

 

 



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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Debilyn


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Good for you! I believe I feel you are strong in this and the diseases bs is not eating you up? That is big progress.

Nothing surprises me with a sick A. Their brains are so compromised.

I am glad your kids say no way to things. In reality they are more mature than your A sadly.

Liking also how they do not have to see him if they choose not to. To me that is so healthy. i bet they will voice it too.

I wish my kids, when they were little, had told me my A's mother was not someone they liked and did not want to be there or hug her. I had NO idea. They saw thru her before I did! She was always nice to them, enjoyed them but inside she was a witch I guess. phoney uno? But again her exah rip had horribly abused her and the 3 kids. Her brain was terribly messed up from her ex hitting her head. ugh.

Anyway it makes me smile to know how well you are doing. I also am guessing you are saying "he" a lot but it is your venting here. That in your everyday life you are focusing on YOU and kiddos and living life! (c:



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SerenityRUS


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Yes Deb .. vent .. ugh .. I get so tired and my head gets twisted if only for a moment when I have to deal with him so I prefer to keep it as short and non emotional as possible.

The kids have been busy and so that has been good.

Last night my daughter with her "boyfriend" and family to the fireworks. My son and I went as well at the last min and had a blast .. he's so funny! We had a nice time. It was nice to get up and be able to go to the store! Flat broke at least I did get money on my food card. That was a good thing.

Today she goes again to the movies .. lol .. I'm sooo glad. My little guy is not pleased .. LOL .. not surprising .. however nothing I can do about. We will have a nice time and I will be trying a new recipe out.

Tomorrow the kids will be with the their dad all day and then some of the day on Sunday.

So I will have to figure out what I'm going to do and enjoy it. I have pretty much shot the day today .. LOL!!

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
el-cee


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Doesnt it feel so good to let go? Its such a great thing, not buying into the chaos. Enjoy your days off.x

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Jerry F


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(((((Serenity)))))   keep working it for you.  I relate to your vent and revisited all of or some of  the feelings and thoughts I had "back them" when I was going thru this myself for the umpteenth time.  The best work I ever have done is changing me.  Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile



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SerenityRUS


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Actually Blessed believe it OR not they may not be able to be in the same bed however they ARE able to be in the same room .. I found that out when I was having to apply for public housing .. each state has different laws in that regard. They can be in the same bed up until a certain age .. after that NO they can't. CRAZY!!

I also live in a state that has no age in terms of leaving them home alone .. if I feel that my say for example 7 year old is mature enough to be left alone .. I can do so. For siblings to watch other siblings I believe the age is 15, my daughter is. This has got to be the oddest state I've ever lived in.

This is the same man who put his oldest child in the same bed with his "dying" mother (the woman is amazing it's as if she's a cat not a human!), and I was FURIOUS .. his mother has a lot of health issues there is no denying having a 13 year old in bed with her was NOT appropriate.

There is some kind of diversion tactic going on here .. something I kind of noticed and so did my sponsor is .. when he can't have contact with me he finds ways to needle me and the only thing he can now needle me with is the kids and what's going on with them. We laughed .. because how far I have come is that with all of his crazy I'm picking you up and taking you to the park stuff as well as I'm driving you 45 miles outside of town .. I have just chosen not to get involved in it and it's driving him crazy. I know he's angry about the divorce .. honestly I'm disappointed .. I have insurance for at least another 2 months so I'm WAY ok with that .. it's one more bill I can't afford to pay at the moment. I mentioned to him once it was sad that after all this time he was still so angry .. LOL .. his response .. I'm not angry I'm indifferent .. my sponsor and I had a good laugh over that one .. reeeaaalllyyy now .. indifference .. hmmm. It's also the same man talking to one of his many "friends", my daughter 13 at the time overheard him say .. "I'm not arrogant I'm the most laid back guy you'll ever meet." My daughters response to that at the time .. Mom, .. I don't think Dad understands what arrogant means. Soda flew out my nose at that one .. LOL!

Other than that you know .. I'm just REALLY trying on allowing the kids to enjoy their time. I have to reign both of them in because if they had their way there would be less contact .. that's what he really doesn't get .. they aren't all that interested in seeing him at this point. Maybe that will change .. right now I'm having to push them in that direction .. if nothing else so I have some time to myself and it's like I told them .. who knows how long until he has another 8 month space of time where he doesn't see them.

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
PP


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You are a good role model for your kiddos, Serenity.  Someday, this will all be behind you.  Until, then, well donesmile



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Paula
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Well .. now who would have thought :)