The material presented
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I've pushed my a bf soo far for soo long that he decided to get involved with anot her woman this morning I found texts on his cell while he was asleep messages saying from him to her and visa versa I love you soo much and am missing you already etc etc it hurt me soo bad she is married also to a 70 y/o man ,and acting like she is madly in love with my a bf ,I cried and cried and woke him up 2am to read it he got angry cause I got into his phone,at one time our phones wasn't a secret I could homing his anytime and him mine ,but he stopped that but I had been pushing him to do like I wanted him to do,and act I do still love him as crazy as it sounds,I hope this don't end us my a bf told me to not call her that if I did he would never speak to me again.im going through a lot of pain right now,he said he was homeless this morning the woman he was haveing an affair with was gonna let him rent her rent trailer but there's her sister liveing there he said and that she was asking him how she could get her trailer off the land that it's on that it's her husbands land.guess she is really serious about my a bf,my a bf said that she would never leave him anyway i asked him to block her from his phone he acted like he still wanted to keep me it was just that I gave him such a hard time about things.which I was hard on him but Ive stopped it.now I don't know what to do or say to him. Thanx for listening and I can't help that I love this man soo much,we got several yrs invested in each other.he my a bf said that all that on his ph. To her didn't mean nothing .......love looking upI so want to make this work.and stop my complaining and pushing him
Are you going to al anon meetings or meetings for codependency? I hear your pain and I am sorry for it, I know this hurts. Do something wonderful for you and begin working the 12 steps to start to unravel yourself from your boyfriend. If you don't, you will suffer and continue in this same pattern with him and any other boyfriends that come after him. Reach for help (((hugs)))
(((LookingUp))) There is a way out of this dreadful anxiety, pain and heartbreak. In addition to all the suggestions that Paula presented, I would like to add that coming here, attending on- line meetings, sharing, connecting with others who truly understand helps to lighten the burden.
You will learn, as I did that you are not alone, and that by using a few simple you/ I could feel 100% better.
For example: Keep the focus on yourself Do not get too hungry, lonely, angry or tired. Live on day at a time and truly believe that you have a HP that loves you beyond your wildest dreams and if you will just connect with your HP on a daily bases you will feel the love and power of that love.
I recite the serenity prayer often, ask for guidance and then take at least 15 minutes a day to pause and listen for the guidance
Thanx Betty and pip for your replies,pip I defiantly do need to unravel myself from my bf ,I know I have my issues too,I'm takeing this with his affair as an eye opener to myself also,he has a lot of great values plus more I do t know what he will do,he has been calling me and talking to me in a nice way,we are both talking civil,this affair thingy he had going was just such a hard hit to me,I'm been saying the serenity prayer over n over,cause I know I cannot control him or change him only person I can change is me in the way I act and do toward him and his affair.i feel like I'm be haveing like the wounded one and like I'm to blame for it also the affair.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I've been through a similar situation with my A#1. Reading the texts, waking him up at night and then they get mad at your for going through their phone. And somehow you end up being the one at fault and you think to yourself .how did that happen!!??
My advice to you is that you know in your heart what happened, asking him for an explanation will only make you feel insane because chances are he will probably lie or deny deny deny.
He is NOT the end all be all, although it may feel like that right now. And when someone else is after your significant other I think sometimes (at least for me) it would make me want to stay with him more than ever because I didn't want anyone else to have him. I know that sounds insane but it was how I felt, and nobody could talk me out of it.
With all I went through with my A#1 I now think to myself "what was I thinking" although at the time friends/family etc couldn't understand why I was so obsessed with this person who treated me so horribly. I lost friends over it and a lot of self dignity and I wasted a lot of time, even though deep down I KNEW it was never really going to work out. FOr me, I had to go through letdown after letdown and lie after lie until I just could not handle one more lie or one more let down. And I left him.
I hope you find peace in your heart whether you try to find it with him or without him
He CHOSE to have the affair and I would bet money this is not the first time..he is pissed because he got caught. Thank HP he was caught before he brought a little STD your way. Thank your blessings, sweetie.
My therapist said to me, "What is your bottom line? What is the behavior that you absolutely will not stand for?"
I had a lot of supposed bottom lines but every time he did the behavior, I moved the bottom line. Lying to me? Stealing from me? Stealing from my mother? Passing out? Peeing on the wall in my mother's house as my mother was dying and I was trying to get her to the hospital, then passing out?
I too thought that I loved him. As I think about it, "loving him" meant having such strong feelings of craving and dependency that I couldn't bear to break up with him -- not the healthy kind of love that we think we'll have when we're kids.
Your guy has chosen to cheat with another woman and tell her a lot about how much he loves her, will be with her, etc., and then tries to blame his behavior on you -- "I wouldn't have done it unless you had done X and Y." If he's the same guy as before, he deals drugs, is that right? He lies, cheats, and abuses drugs and alcohol. So I guess my question would be the same as my therapist asked: What is your bottom line?
My experience is that if we don't have a bottom line, it is a recipe for misery. They will carry on until we find it. If they cheat, they will cheat more. If they lie, they will lie more. If they drink or drug, they will do it more. They keep on doing it all the way home.
I hope you'll work hard on your own peace and serenity. It's not easy, I know.
Looking up, I cant believe he cheats on you as well as a long list of other things he has done to you, harsh things, and you are the one questioning yourself, taking the blame. Why? Do you really think this is what you deserve? What about loving you enough to say no, no way. You really believe you have pushed him into another woman? Do you think you have that much power? Hes driven by drugs, drink, you and anyone else in his path are resources, is it really about love? Think about your daughter, think about the example you are setting her in terms of relationships, how would you feel, watching her going through what you are putting yourself through. Look into the victim triangle, it might help you see your role in this destructive relationship, its not easy to face but you can get out of it with some self reflection and alanon.
In my relationship to my x, there was a river of shame and guilt in me for not being perfect - for growing by trying things and making mistakes. Unconsciously, I believed I needed to be punished because after all, I hadn't always made choices that honored what I'd been taught (even if some of what I'd been taught wasn't even true or do-able). I was trying to be super-human and I failed miserably at that and didn't realize I was trying to be superhuman. Unconsciously, I used his abuse to punish me although I didn't know it at the time. He used me as his excuse for doing what he knew deep down was subhuman and cruel. I used him to punish myself for not being perfect and allowed myself to be martyred for awhile until my HP woke me up and showed me a different way to see myself, my life and what I could do to treat myself with more acceptance, appreciation and care. I grew more and more comfortable with being human, prone to error and still able to cultivate assets and nurture them. I changed. My life changed. What I would allow changed. It took me awhile and my HP was guiding me the whole way once I surrendered to the reality that I simply couldn't keep on living with a person who mistreated me, blamed me and I saw that I didn't need to be punished. I just needed to keep an open mind and walk through the doors to increased healing and health that my HP opened for me. I hope you will attend meetings and go where you feel safe and cared about.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 4th of July 2014 01:14:28 PM
One thing I noticed when the fog began to lift was that if I wasn't going to continue to enable so and so to behave in such a way....they would just find the next person who would. I learned to establish boundaries and enforce the consequences and that's when life got better for me. Continue to attend f2f meetings and keep reaching out. You are not alone.
Lookingup, (((((((hugs))))))))
I think that you have lots of great values and kindness in you and I'm sorry you are going through this. I like the fact that you are seeing this as an eye opener. My AH blamed me for his affair and for a while I believed him but with the help of alanon and good friends I started to see that 'my part in it' did not include responsibility for his choices and actions. Be gentle with yourself
There are so many good shares here. Coming into the program I didn't have much of a bottom line. Something's don't bother me as much, but cheating would be a deal breaker at this point in time. i remember how crazy I was about my husband in the beginning, I would go through his phone, check his pockets, drawers, console in his truck...I even had internet tracker so I could see what he was doing. I was addicted to this behavior because I would literally shake with adrenaline and get a stomach ache and have to use the bath room. I wanted to find some evidence and often I did. This built his ego up, because he felt so important. He knew I had no bottom line, because I begged him to stay with me. I found my way to the meetings through a internet search.I kept coming back to the meetings, working the steps, getting the focus on me and was able to stop myself from checking up on him.I have a friend in the program that has her own slogan she made up...it pops into my mind when I'm about to be curious " I am no longer curious about things that will hurt me". Trusting in my hp, knowing he will tell me all I need to know..leaving people to their own devices..I too, used to blame myself, I pushed him I would tell myself, he makes his own choices, and they are his. When I look back on my other relationships, the cheaters I was with, they always went on to do the same stuff with someone else. It's about them. Sure my picker was broken, and I picked the wrong guys, but blaming myself for their behavior, I can't own that. Blaming myself and checking up on him only made my self esteem dip more n more. The program saved my life, tamed my love addiction, and got the focus back on me. Blessings ;) keep coming back, it works and your are so worth it ;)
-- Edited by karma13 on Saturday 5th of July 2014 05:41:28 AM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
You have already received such great posts here, I will add that coming here, posting and reading, going to online and face to face meetings, working with a sponsor to work the steps--all helped me change my life. I could relate to your share--I was one who looked through my AHs phone, wallet, pockets, email--would be devastated at things I found and then try to figure out what I had done to contribute to the situation.
Hugs lookingup. You've taken some really brave steps since I've been following your story here, I've been in awe of you.
I'm like you, brave and hopeful one day, sad and worried I've ruined everything the next.
Thanks for being here, and for sharing your journey. I'm walking it right alongside you
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I so want to make this work.and stop my complaining and pushing him