need some advice - Al-Anon Family Group

e_t245 · Newbie

need some advice

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep it simple is what comes to mind for me on the order of "I am uncomfortable with drinking in our home on a daily basis because..." We can say what we mean, mean what we say, and not say it mean and let the other person make their own choices. I can get very nervous around folks who drink "Are they? Could they be? Might they be?" pops into my head immediately. Going to Al-Anon helps me, too, because somebody else's drinking, problem drinking or not, does bother me. Keep coming back.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear ET welcome to miracles in progress. I do understand your dilemma and can identify with your concerns. It is unfortunate that you have such painful memories from your childhood and for that reason alone it might be wise for you to check out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend. Meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is listed in the white pages.

As you are probably aware, alcoholism is a progressive disease over which we are powerless. We didn't cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. AA is a support group for alcoholics and Al-Anon is a support group for people who live with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism.

In Al-Anon I discovered new constructive tools to live by. These tools enabled me to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, and let go of the pain, anger, resentment and fears from the past.

I also learned what was reasonable expectations to have in a relationship and what was my responsibility/obligations to myself in a relationship. Growing up in an alcoholic home I developed negative, unrealistic, destructive tools to live by. I did not realize that until I walked into the rooms of Al-Anon and saw that my belief system was all askew. I urge you to check out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend.

It does not matter if your boyfriend is an alcoholic, what matters is that his drinking disturbs you and that you grew up with alcoholism that definitely makes you eligible to be a member.
Keep coming back there is hope

e_t245 · Newbie

Thanks for your replies. Basically his response is that I have no right to ask him to cut down on his drinking since it's not problematic. According to him I'm being controlling and unreasonable, even though I never told him to stop drinking. I was very careful just telling him how it made me feel. I drink myself every now and then, but I think I'm much more aware than he is of how easily the habitual drinking could become a problem.

It's just a frustrating stalemate type of situation where we both disagree with each other, but he's not going to change because he doesn't see why he should.

I'm just thinking that if he doesn't have a problem then not drinking every other day shouldn't be a problem either. It makes me uncomfortable and he loves me, it should be as simple as that. The problem is I can't explain it to him in a way that he understands.

Thanks for you support

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

ET I discovered in alanon I was powerless over people and that I really do not have the right to ask others to change because their behaviior displeases or frightens me. That is why I suggested that you check out meetings and attend

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sure he knows. However he does have the right to do what he chooses to do. It would be thoughtful of him to stop, but he has made it clear he is not going to.

He can turn around and say it bothers him that you want to control him. That he was always told what to do and that brings up bad memories.

When we have a relationship, we hopefully accept each other as is. Once we discuss things like this, and find they are not willing to change, then it comes to the point that if we choose, we need to.

The smell used to bug me too honey. But in my head i would say, its ok, its not going to hurt me. I said it enough that it does not bug me at all. We can change things like this thank goodness! i stopped all negative things in my head about myself. I never say bad things about me.

NO one can control anyone else. So the best thing is to compromise and change ourselves.

I hope you can learn to detach from his smelling like alcohol and love all the good things about him. (c;

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I do understand, I also feel uncomfortable with the smell of alcohol and people drinking regularly, its like a physical and emotional reaction to it and its not nice especially when people dont really understand. I think drinking every day could be a problem and if he thinks its unreasonable to request he cuts down a bit then mabye it has become a habit for him. Im not sure but it doesnt seem unreasonable to me, whats the big deal about not drinking every day? I can relate so much but there is a part of me that knows I dont have a healthy view of alcohol and drinking, im a bit anti alcohol which does make me stand out with my friends and family to be honest. Thanks for the Interesting post, sorry I cant be of more help with this one.x

karma13 · Senior Member

I just want to say I totally understand, having grown up with a alcoholic father, the smells and the behaviors affect me. I have anxiety and ptsd from it. I have gotten better about people drinking around me, Thanks to the program. Sometimes I go to family functions where there will drinking, other times I don't. I decide with my hp :) I found that in explaining some things to my husband, there is no way I can say it so it he will understand. Before coming into the program, we would have hour long conversations or longer, where I would try to rationalize my point a million different ways to get my way and change him. Insanity for me is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I wanted him to stop drinking, get a divorce and get a program. I got two of them, he stopped drinking and got a divorce, but those two only happened after I was able to detach with love and get the focus on me and my program. I no longer care if he ever gets a program, it's not my business. The thing is I can tell him something is unacceptable to me once and if he's agreeable and wants to do it, then ok...if not I have to detach with love and decide how best to take care of me. I agree with Betty 100 % getting to face to face meetings and attending would be a really good idea. It is at the meetings that I learned the principles of the program, how to detach with love, get the focus off of my husband and others, and how to best to take care of me.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand absolutely. And I do worry when people's drinking is inflexible. If they can't take it or leave it, what does that suggest? Maybe they don't have a drinking problem, but they have a drinking need, and knowing what I know about alcohol, that's worrisome to me. It can develop so easily into a bigger problem.

Even if it never develops into a bigger problem, we are allowed to have things that just aren't okay with us. Some people are fine with guns in the house; people who've experienced gun violence might never be okay with it - and that's okay. Some people love dogs; others can't live with them. Both of those things are okay. It doesn't have to be dysfunctional for us to have a legitimate problem with living a certain way. We get to choose what our deal-breakers are.

We who end up in longterm relationships with alcoholics tend to have our "pickers" broken -- I mean the inner voice that helps us pick partners. In my experience, we worry that we are not forgiving and flexible enough, and often our partners accuse us of that. In my experience, nearly all or all of the time, the real truth is that we are too forgiving and flexible. Having grown up with dysfunction does that - we think lots of drinking and dysfunction is normal.

I remember so well the many, many times I was confronted by behavior in my boyfriends that I found worrying and unacceptable. My only response was to try so hard and desperately to control it. To explain so they would understand. Alcoholics, especially, refuse to understand. That's their way of continuing to be alcoholics. If they could agree to understand, they wouldn't be alcoholics in the first place. Denial is a prerequisite for compulsive drinking.

The Three C's of Al-Anon are "You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it." "It" being the drinking.

At this point I would just go round and round in circles, because my own addiction was my boyfriend and I couldn't give him up any more than he could give up the alcohol. I tried harder to control him and to control my own reaction to the behavior I couldn't deal with.

But maybe this just isn't a match made in heaven, as mine wasn't. The fact that he's not willing to compromise suggests that it's not a great fit, even apart from the alcohol issues. Some people would be fine with cutting back and being sensitive to your concerns and your past. The guy you're with isn't one of those guys, it sure sounds like.

In Al-Anon we have a saying, "He's going to do what he's going to do - what are you going to do?"

I hope you'll take good care of yourself. Hugs.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

My opinion is that you should try to find a partner who has the same values as you and who doesn't drink at all. Do you want to have this struggle with your boyfriend for the rest of your life? I am going through a second divorce. I wouldn't want to be with someone I felt I had to change...I have learned it just doesn't work.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Whether he is drinking excessively or not, the behaviour is typical of an addict (telling you that you are being controlling/unreasonable for trying to share your discomfort/concern, refusing to consider your feelings or compromise in any way) so even if he isn't an addict I can see how that behaviour might be triggering for you , having grown up with an alcoholic. My point being that even if he did agree to stop drinking altogether it might just be that he is in general inconsiderate of your feelings that worries you with or without the alcohol. I don't think its reasonable to expect someone to quit something they enjoy because I want them to, but if they dismiss me, refuse to hear anything about my feelings or how it affects me and instead shame and blame me for even mentioning it, then, they probably aren't the wonderful guy I want or deserve. (Unfortunately I just described my partner of the past 8 years, lol!).

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.