The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was once married to an angry alcoholic who I later divorced. We were together 10 years. When I left I HAD IT. I was DONE. I was and still am extremely bitter and resentful about it. I should have ditched him on our third date. I didn't listen to that "little voice" and by the time I left that little voice was basically screaming into my ear to leave.
Flash forward just two years I got pregnant with my present boyfriend. I sold my place and moved in with him. We've been living together about eight months now. On the third month I started finding empty vodka bottles around his place. And I got that sinking feeling "oh no . he's an alcoholic too".
I consistently smell booze on his breath during the day. He denies denies denies it all. To the point where I believed him for a while. Then I knew I was just lying to myself (been there done that).
He doesn't work but he has money (he has an illness that prevents him from working) and he takes heavy medication for one of the symptoms of his illness. He often hides behind his illness and his prescription drugs and he isn't transparent about dosage.
Because he knows that I'm onto him he hides his drinking very well. Unlike my ex he is a calm drinker. He just gets sloppy and slurry and he isn't himself.
I didn't do "the work" after I left my ex husband. I'm projecting all my old bitterness and resentment from my ex onto my boyfriend. I know I am doing itand I want to stop. but I can't help it. I only lash out when I bust him stinking like booze, then lying to me that he didn't drink anything. It's when he lies that I really get angry. He says it is purell hand sanitizer or oil of oregano. He's just so full of it.
I finally had it with his lies and his drinking. He was driving with me and my baby in the car and he smelled boozy so I made him pull over so I could drive. Of course he denies drinking. I sent him away for a few days. I just could not stand being around him. I am trying to get my head on straight.
He doesn't get angry at me, and he provides a nice home for me so it makes me think. maybe I should just let him drink and do what he wants. Let my son grow up with his dad around. But it's been just 8 months, and I've already sent him away for a few days. I feel insane, I don't think I can tolerate this kind of behaviour. I don't want my son to grow up with a mom who can't hold her temper.
My baby is only one year old, but when me and my boyfriend fight I can tell it upsets him. And it makes me feel like a horrible mother for lashing out in front of him. I find I have zero tolerance, compassion or respect for my boyfriend's behaviour. I feel I am pathetic and weak and incapable of making good choices. I feel bad about my poor selection in men, and I feel angry at myself I got my son and myself in this situation.
I've been to Al Anon but I am angry that I have to go back. I thought I left this alcoholic stuff behind me. It's like a shadow following me around.
If any of you out there have any tools that have helped you through similar situations please share. Thanks for reading this very long post
Oh hugs Kelly .. for the LONGEST time I was really angry that I had to go to Alanon (3 mo before I went actually) .. a turning point for me was when I realized that my kids were more afraid of me than their dad and that stopped me in my tracks. I saw it in their eyes and I was devastated .. ugh.
Up until that point I thought I wasn't the one with a problem because after all I'm a saint .. I do all of the work keep the family together try and keep the bills paid although I suck at money management .. ugh.
Working the steps, getting a sponsor, admitting I am powerless over other people, places, things and the past was a huge step for me to take.
I didn't want to admit at first that I was sick like these people after all I'm not as sick as them .. I had to kind of get over myself in that regard. I did .. it was shocking and humbling to realize I had a lot of stuff from my past .. I didn't pick either spouse I have had by accident and because I don't want to go down that road again .. I am really doing the work on me.
I hope you do go back and I hope you find tools at the meetings that work for you .. the meetings DO work and for me as much as I want to believe that I didn't need the support .. I really did and it does help.
There is hope and I'm not as angry as I was .. LOL .. I'm working really hard on not being bitter and I think I do pretty good.
Keep coming back .. hugs :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I felt relief after I read your response SerenityRUS. Thanks , yes you read my mind ..the last time I was at Al Anon I felt like .I am nothing like these people!! Running straight into the arms of ANOTHER alcoholic was a much better idea. NOT. Yes it is time to get over myself and get some help. I feel like I'm becoming more of a problem than he is so I guess it is time to go back to Al Anon. THanks for your understanding
Hi kelly, of course you chose another alcoholic, the syptoms within you, the disease within you needs the alcoholic to stay alive, well thats what ive learned about me. Until you deal with inside you the outside will always look this way. Going to alanon is not about the other person, its about you and weeding out what it is about you that makes you attracted to sick people. He is what he is, nothing you can do. The shouting, controlling, getting angry etc are your symptoms for you to change, in a way its not about him changing at all. Its good you recognise this while your baby is young, your willing to change you so your baby will get the mother you want to be, without alanon he will get the mother you are right now but full of guilt. Keep coming here too, its an amazing journey if you give it to yourself.x
Welcome Kelly
Thank you for sharing. As suggested, please search our alanon face to face meeting and attend I do not believe any of us felt as if we "belonged anywhere", after years of living with alcoholism Alanon welcomed me in anyway and loved me until I learned to love myself.
Today alanon is that comfortable family that feels safe and supportive in all my affairs.
It is here I was able to break the isolation caused by living in the disease, develop new constructive tools to live by ( no more screaming, yelling, threatening, rebuilt my self esteem and was able to rebuild my life with courage, serenity ad wisdom Please keep coming back You are worth it.
Thanks for all your messages, elcee you are totally right I have the disease just like he does. I am just as sick as he is. I have to take action on myself and stop thinking and obsessing about what he's going to do. You have very wise advice.
Blessed I am amazed at what you have gone through in your life. I am very sorry about your miscarriage all those years ago. Your #2 sounds a lot like my #2. That is commendable you homeschooled for so long and you took in foster kids. You sound like a very giving person. I get the 2 ships passing in the night. I am glad you went to see an attorney it sounds like you are looking out for yourself and that you are finding out your options. I need to learn to give up control to a HP and I would if I wasn't so gosh darn controlling :). I think #2 believes he fooled me for a while, and that he felt power in that, and because I didn't pick up on his alcoholic ways at first he somehow convinced himself he wasn't an A. But there I go again obsessing over what he is thinking. Writing this all out is quite helpful actually. I need to let go of what he's doing, thinking, etc etc. Thank you for sharing your story
Hotrod you are right I need new constructive tools because what I am doing is only self destructing and it is hurting my son. Thank you for the encouragement, understanding, and kind words everyone
I feel insane, I don't think I can tolerate this kind ofbehavior... I believe from reading your post, you KNOW you cannot tolerate this behavior. If you do choose to tolerate this life, you will morph into someone you won't recognize or like. Al anon and the 12 steps will help you release the bitterness, the anger, the resentment, those poisons that will kill your spirit and the spirit of your precious baby. Take care of you your baby and flourish, not tolerate this existence. I am not suggesting you leave or stay, I am strongly encouraging you to stay in your seat in the al anon meetings with gratitude that your HP brought you to that seat and into the loving arms that are waiting just for you.
Thanks PP your words are very true and hurt a little as the truth often does. Thanks for quoting my own words back to me. I know I can't tolerate it. I am going to use my baby as my motivation to get some help, I really feel the urgency to get healthy
We are here for you each step of your way, know that you are NEVER alone and you are deeply loved. I wish I could give you a hug in person, for now, this will have to do (((hug))).
...the last time I was at Al Anon I felt like .I am nothing like these people!!
I assume you were thinking that these people had something you thought was unattainable for you. What better way to attain something that seems unattainable than to hang around people who have attained it!
...the last time I was at Al Anon I felt like .I am nothing like these people!!
I assume you were thinking that these people had something you thought was unattainable for you. What better way to attain something that seems unattainable than to hang around people who have attained it!
Kenny
Maybe subconsciously that is what I was thinking. Maybe it was intimidation of all the work I knew that was ahead yet I wanted to remain in denial, so I didn't do the work and look what happened.I ended up with an alcoholic again . I was being a bit self deprecating and I was mainly admitting how arrogant I was ...I thought I didn't need meetings, I could just leave the alcoholic and that was all, boy was I wrong! I am just as sick as AH#1 and AH#2. Way sicker than anyone in that room because I was still so deep in denial. THanks for your post Kenny :)
Kelly: We can't work through our denial until we are strong enough to do that. You have become healthier with help from your HP and now you are ready to face what you couldn't face before. You needed to survive. I know that some of us in Al-Anon like to talk about being sick and I am not one of those people. Wounded - yes. In need of healing - yes. In need of encouragement and support and care - yes. You are very courageous for sharing your story with those of us who are complete strangers to you. That shows me you are a very strong person and you are going to make changes that will help you become stronger and begin to see the beautiful soul you've been created to be. Keep working the program, hang with the winners, compliment yourself for what you have done well, the lessons you've learned, the road you've travelled and the growth you have already experienced. (((K)))
I understand what you are going through. The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up for your choice in men. What finally pushed me to move out was what my children were going through. I was going through hell too...but the love I have for my kids is stronger than my desire to be with my AH. My kids have seen and heard way too much. When you are fighting, look at your baby and see what he is going through. That's what I did...I looked and listened to my children. My youngest yelling at us to "stop!" As I tried to make my drunk husband leave was too much for me to handle. I couldn't do it to my kids anymore. In my experience, alcoholism only gets worse unless the addict decides to surrender and get help.
Do you want to live this way? Do you want your baby to learn this is how marriage works? Do you want him thinking it's normal to act the way his dad does? These are one of many reasons why I left. I want my kids to be proud of me that I finally decided not to live in the chaos of alcoholism.
It's time for action. You will be ok without a man. If that's what you choose.
Grateful to be thanks for your input , I am not courageous for sharing I feel rather selfish by spewing out my every thought and feeling , I have to say writing it out has helped me I think I should start a journal. I find it easier talking to strangers in an anonymous kind of way than talking to my friends. People here are so nice , which is not the norm on a lot of forums.
Newlife girl I hear you. I have been feeling exactly that way , I look at my baby and I am making him number one. I sent A away for a few days because I could not be around him and I needed to get my head on straight. I was getting nowhere with him, it was making me crazy. I already feel so much better just having two days to myself and my son.
This forum has helped me tremendously the past two days. I have learned a lot reading many posts from so many people. I am going to take it day by day but if I am being honest with myself I know I cannot live with an alcoholic. I tried it before. It didn't work and it won't work this time either. Sigh.
I have asked myself the same questions..No no no I do not want him to think it is ok to lie to mommy. I don't want him to think it is ok to drink or abuse drugs. Or drink and drive. With AH#1 I think I didn't leave for so long because deep down I knew he would choose the booze over me. With AH#2 I can't afford to wait, when the life of my son hangs in the balance. Life doesn't wait for anyone. It won't wait for A to get help either. If he isn't going to quit I want to know now. I think it is better to leave before my son remembers any of this turmoil. I know I can provide a stable home for him but still the thought of leaving is scary.
I told A today that if he smells like booze one more time that he will be leaving again and he has agreed. My biggest challenge will be staying calm in the face of him smelling like booze and him denying he has been drinking. Because we all know it will happen again.
Kelly: I get the feeling selfish by saying what you think and feel. I used to think and feel that way, too. I also apologized to tables and ashcans that I walked into and held my breath as if I didn't have a right to exist. Regardless of what you think and how you feel, I am glad you're here. I'm also glad that you feel safe here with the MIP family.
I, too, left my x mainly because I saw that the way he treated me he could also visit on his children. That's how little I valued me at the time. The kids helped pull me to my feet and get me going on self-care and in the beginning it was Momma Bear care that helped me do what I knew I needed to do for them. Later, I saw I also needed to do it for me.
Many prayers and encouragement for you as you do what you see as being right for you and your son at this time.
Gratefultobe YES I do that too. I am so skiddish and I apologize to anybody and anything. I am so on edge. Maybe my feelings are valid I am just so used to my A bringing up the fact I come from a broken home, so it wouldn't surprise him if I leftthen I'd be just like my mom ( a comparison that really bugs me he knows how to push my buttons).
Today the A comes home and I am already starting to get so much anxiety. I am thinking too far ahead and I'm thinking about what his parents will say or do if/when we do break up. I can't think about that though. It isn't any of my business what other people think of me. I am just about to call a counsellor that specializes in this area. I think I need to see someone one on one in addition to going to meetings. Thank you for the good wishes and for all your support.
I understand your bitterness. I am angry with myself because I thought I would know better than to end up with an alcoholic like my mom did. And the part about being angry about going to al-anon....I get that. We don't see people with healthy relationships having to go to a support group. But I understand that If I don't dive into my own issues that I'm just going to find another alcoholic even if I leave the one I'm with.
You are doing good with sticking up for yourself. I got pregnant about 1.5 months into my relationship with my ABF. (we thought he was sterile since he had just finished chemo for stage 4 cancer...)
I think a lot about how I should have left when I found out I was pregnant. Then I also think about how she needs to have her dad in her life. I also think about the fact that he provide us a home. And then I find myself thinking about the misery that has happened in that home.
You just posted on my thread, about writing down how many days/times he drinks or yells at me. That is excellent advice, and I'm going to do that! Thank you for that.
I want to tell you that I know how you feel! I think about what his family says if we break up. They have a lot of influence. But you are right, its none of our business what others think. What do you think?
My understanding is that alcoholism as well as codependency is generational and without recovery is passed on and on through the next generation. I know I swore I would never be like my father, who was the addictive personality of my parents, or my Mom, who was passive and codependent with him. Alcoholics create other dysfunctional people. It may be codependency, another addiction, workaholism....obsession...it is all the same thing. I always picked alcoholic or addicted men. I often thought I could change them. No wonder it seemed like I had known them before. I had. They were exactly like my father and I was obsessed with their every move like my mother had been with my father. My relationships with men were always re-enactments, albeit unconsciously, of the dysfunction and abandonment I experienced as a child. I picked people who could not be there emotionally for me or who would eventually abandon me, because that is what I was unconsciously used to, what was familiar to me. It is sick but happens all the time. I went towards what was familiar, but what was familiar was screwed up. I am in alanon to work on my adult child and codependency issues, but I totally get that people who try to control alcoholics are just alcoholics without the alcohol. Both use substances (or people) outside of themselves rather than look honestly at themselves (denial) because it is too painful. I can get caught up in the blame game, but the fact is that I picked em.....I am alone now and would like to be in a relationship, but until I heal enough to trust and make healthier choices, I need to focus on me and my program....and go towards the love..only the love..
hereandnow thanks for posting. I think about the same stuff, I think I actually like distance in a relationship. I don't think I really know what an intimate relationship is. I think the distance is why I was so comfortable with the lies of my first A. I think I respected him that he treated me so badly because that is what I thought I deserved.
I'm at a standstill with A#2, I am not going anywhere right now I want to try to make it work for my son's sake. And if I'm being honest I am at the point where I feel a two parent home is best for my son. But that's how I feel today and I may feel different tomorrow.
I feel for you with the yelling. The yelling is so horrifying I remember with my A#1 during one of his worst drunken rants I locked myself in the bathroom while he banged on the door calling me every name in the book. Then he just woke up the next day, brought me a coffee in bed and pretended nothing happened. It was as if I was living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde in the twilight zone. I think if I had ended up having a baby with A#1 I would have stayed and endured the torment. I probably would have never left. There is something so bone chilling about being on the receiving end of someone yelling at you. It is just awful.
I try not to pretend to care what others think but I do care too much. Since I broke up with my A#1 I have run into two different friends of his on two different occasions. They both saw me, looked right at me, didn't smile or anything (even though I smiled) , they just looked at me and walked by me as if I was trash. It really bothered me. this happened just yesterday and it really affected me. I had a good cry about it , so I know this is something I need to work on. I've learned you can't control what people think of you OR how they act toward you. I am socially awkward as it is so dealing with these sorts of situations is not fun for me.
night wind thanks for the thoughts. I went to a counsellor once who told me we reenact parts of our lives over and over and over again until we work through the issue. I am a controlling person. I am very guilty of trying to control my A#2 and to some strange extent I still want to control A#1 (control what his friends think or say about me etc) but I can't and I know I have to let go. Maybe I am afraid of looking honestly at myself and all my faults , maybe it is easier for me to pick out faults in other people so I don't have to face my own. I am soooo guilty of the blame game.
I should have called this post "Dear Diary" lol thanks for this insight you both have given me a lot to think about, and your posts came at a time when I needed to hear this so thank you
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