Ah Ha Moment - with my enabling - Al-Anon Family Group

slowlearner · Veteran Member

Ah Ha Moment - with my enabling

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Sl You are doing so well Your awareness and acceptance of the reality that you now see, is a powerful example of how this program works.
In order to see my destructive behavior, and how my old behavior habits were hurting me, I stop and examine my motives each time I feel uncomfortable in a situation. At the end the day I do a 10 th step by reviewing my day, what I felt and thought.When I identify a situation where I felt wrong or distressed I noted it and again examined my motives
The saying "Face it Trace it and erase it "works for me

Luiza · Senior Member

I can totally relate to your post. For me it was the fear of being rejected that made saying 'no' so difficult. Then I finally realised that I am meant to love myself unconditionally instead of worrying about other people's love towards me. So now I'm taking care of myself first, this seemed wrong before but put it simply, if I don't love myself I just can't love others right? We give what we have to give. I grew tired of living with resentment It was difficult at the beginning but it is getting better, and slowly but surely I can recognize easier the situations that require a 'yes' and the situations that deserve a big fat 'no'. Sure I still do feel guilty sometimes, but I then focus on my growth and love for myself. I also noticed people respect me more now...It feels a bit strange sometimes as certain people are not around as much as they used to, they suddenly don't "need" my help as much, I guess they are busy using other people.

-- Edited by Luiza on Wednesday 2nd of July 2014 01:48:02 PM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Fast learner more like, thank you for sharing, I relate to all you say, enabler, peace keeper, people pleaser, controller. It is a symprom of being affected by alcoholism. The important thing for us is actually seeing it In ourselves, seeing these shortcomings in action is a huge step, it means we have courage to look at our own behaviour, we are willing to do something about them. I feel you and me, are on our way to being rid of these shortcomings, but I think its one at a time, its recognising the reasons behind them and then having a good relationship with your higher power and ask them to be removed and replaced with the opposite. I recently heard of someone who writes a daily list of shortcomings and assets at night before going to sleep, im thinking of trying this.x

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hotrod, you are a pro alanoner, honestly, these wee nuggets of gold. I love that face it, trace it, erase it. Never heard of that before. Thanks.x

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Isn't it interesting when we start to spot what we are feeling and where the feelings are coming from

I do exactly the same thing and for many many years I've identified with my ability to get things done. What I didn't acknowledge was that I was so busy doing things for other people I became too tired to have fun.
Someone wise told me to make my choices my own. So if someone asks me to do something, and I can, and I have the time, then I pause and listen to how the doing of this thing makes me feel. If I feel resentment rising then I say no, if I feel appreciation rising then I say yes. It has taken some getting used to because I felt guilty about saying no initially - so I practised on small things and on people that were not central to my life. I could see and hear their surprise when I said no, but I also felt a glimmer of respect, from them and, more importantly, from myself.
I agree with Luiza, some people are not around much any more - but then I look at what they offered when they were around and on the whole, their absence does not matter - in fact it gives me more time to do the things I choose to do (which is another challenge in itself!)
You are a fast learner and I'm learning from you

slowlearner · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone. It's so good to get feedback and to learn that I am not alone in this situation. I too liek the saying "face it, trace it and erase it". Face up to it, learn from it and then leave it in the past. I can be a master at beating myself up with guilt when I say no, or don't feel like I'm doing everything that everyone wants from me. I don't want to be the doormat or the dumping station anymore. And living with an A just makes things more out of control. But I can't control him or his behavior - just mine. Nor can I blame all of my unhappiness on my A - which is a very bad habit of mine. I do it quite a bit and then wallow in self-pity. (That's hurts to admit-lol) But I do need to be responsible for my own actions and behavior. It's easier to blame someone else for your unhappiness instead of taking charge of my own happiness. Clean up my own side of the street. I love all the slogans! They are so helpful, along with everyone here.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Before al-anon I was the biggest people pleaser and after 4 years of it I'm so much better at pleasing myself. I still care for people, but am better at gauging what is theirs to do for themselves and what I should take on for me. Resentments are telling you something and when I get a red flag I pay attention now and make the changes to feel better about myself. You have great awareness! The 3 A's first it hits your awareness, second you accept it, third you take action. You are well on your way! Sending you love and support on your journey!

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