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Just feeling numb from it all. Please give me your thoughts after reading. Desperately need understanding people who get what I am going through. All I am trying to do is get along with my AH. We are still not living together. He still doesn't have a job. I have to realize I am powerless over the fact he hasn't worked in 6 months and hasn't had a paycheck in 3 months. He continues to take money out of his retirement. I am very disturbed by this. He doesn't appear bothered by the things that bother me...nothing new there! So on Sunday we were being civil to each other. He asked me if I was planning on divorcing him. I told him I didn't know. Which is the truth. He said he wasn't sure if he should pay a house payment if I was planning on divorcing him. The mortgage is only in my name, but I walked away from the house because it is a huge fixer upper and I knew if I stayed there, he would keep making his way back into the house and not stay away and give me space. The house is very depressing to me. So, yesterday he made a house payment. Last night we ended up arguing about stupid things liek how many times he was in the hospital due to drinking before I moved out. He was wrong, but the argument was pointless. He kept trying to defend himself and say he started rehab in November and had decided to make a change...but since that time he has been hospitalized 4 times for drinking too much. It was the worst I have ever seen him. I moved out in March after seeing him hospitalized twice. He was then hospitalized twice after I left. Scary stuff. So after arguing last night, I told him I couldn't take the risk of living with him again. We had agreed to see how things were going after 6 months...which would be September...but he keeps asking me what my plans are. I keep asking him if he will pay the mortgage and when he will get a job. It's like we are spinning in circles. My credit is already bad, but getting worse when mortgage isn't paid. He won't agree to sell it...his name is on the deed (big mistake that I added him)..I owned the house for 10 years before we married. He has hopes of us getting back together, so he sits in the house making it messier. He is a hoarder. He has cleaned up a lot outside the house...but junk cars and boats still remain. The inside of the house has gotten worse. I picked up my daughter yesterday and I was crying because it was so bad. I had to move stuff just to be able to sit at my dining room table. I told him daughter can;t come over until the place is cleaned up. He isn't working, but claims he has worked so much on the outside of the house and hasn't had time to clean the inside. Always an excuse from him. Always. He continues to buy stuff he doesn't need.
Anyway, after I told him I wasn't going to take a risk of living with him again, he went off on me on the phone calling me a liar and how he shouldn't have made a house payment because of me not wanting to live with him again. He was mocking me when I started to laugh at the whole situation. We go from being civil to fighting like I am his mother and he is a child. I had worked 12 hours that day, so I was exhausted. So when he started to get mad, I fell into his trap and acted just as immature with texting stupid stuff. It was exhausting and a waste of my time.
So today I got a notice that the state is trying to take $828 out of a joint bank account we have for a late car registration he didn't pay. The drama never stops. So I promptly closed the account...it didn't have any money in it anyway. Luckily we have separate checking accounts.
After fights with him, usually the next day I find myself wanting to get stuff done...I wanted to go to the house and get more of my stuff out. He wasn't home and threatened to call the police if I went into the house. Crazy. I own it!! So, I didn't go over. He doesn't want me snooping around.
Everything feels so unsettled. I want to sell the house and get some money hopefully, but he won;t agree to sell it. I am tired. I have been a homeowner for 20 years! Now I am renting. I am trying to be gentle on myself and realize it's what I had to do in order to keep myself and my kids safe and to preserve whatever sanity I have left. I am more calm in my own place. I can sleep better and I don't live in fear and anxiety surrounding what my AH is doing.
A house is an object. It does not define who I am. Trying to convince myself it is ok to lose my house to foreclosure if that's what needs to happen.
has anyone else been in a situation like this? My second marriage is coming to an end. I cannot beat myself up for it. My part was ignoring red flags and feeling lonely and wanting to be with someone because I was afraid of being alone. Living alone is better than living with an alcoholic who claims to have not drank for 2 months now. I cannot work his program. He says I am holding on to the past and I am not working the al anon program the way I should be because I am negative. Sometimes I question myself about everything. I don't work al anon perfectly but I know I put up with 11 years of alcoholic behavior and I couldn't do it anymore! I have to take care of myself. I don't believe it is authentic when he is now suddenly trying to change because I moved out. He claims he changed back in November but was in the hospital FOUR times since then. I can't continue to try and convince him of anything. I can't feel guilty for leaving my home. The cops were coming more often too. It was bad.
If I dwell on all the wrong things that have happened, I will be in bed for days. I refuse to do that. But it's always in the back of my mind. Am I doing the right thing?? Should I have stayed in my house and forced him to stay out of it?? That would have been harder I think.
Ok, I think this post is long enough. Hoping to get thoughts on this craziness. Thanks
I havent been in this situation but I have felt overwhelmed and in a constant state of spinning to where I could not decide anything. Slow down, keep your focus on you, have minimal contact with him, perhaps talk with a bankruptcy attorney or a divorce attorney to get facts. Are you attending al anon and do you have a sponsor? If not, that is crucial. Take care of you!
Yes, I have been going to al anon a little over a year. I have a sponsor, too. My sponsor, al anon and my HP have given me the strength to move out and take care of myself.
I don't pretend to know what you are going through. But I have been through something that involved material attachment. My ex husband drank for 10 years and one day I finally left him. Different situation because his house was in his name, but when I left him I left his nice house and his fancy cars all behind. I was so SICK of the drinking and his bad behaviour.
When I left him I got a very small but very clean apartment (he called it a toilet) but I didn't care . Nobody was drinking. It was peaceful.
All the material things will all be left behind when we die. At the end of the day money is just numbers. That's what I told myself when I left. But I know my situation is totally different.
I say try to find peace whatever way you can. I only speak for myself but I think happiness is a little over rated I think I would settle for peace in my heart. Especially after living with and choosing alcoholics. (I'm on my second alcoholic I think I need to get my head examined. )
Stop thinking about him and think only about you when you're making these types of decisions. If that house is depressing you and bringing you down, could you leave it behind? Can you sell it to break even? Could you call a realtor just to see what they say and get a better idea of how you might get out of this? Is that house a metaphor for your husband? Does it need so much work like your husband does??? and you just don't have the energy to keep it up any longer ??
I don't know if this helps you at all. YOu are not alone please take care of yourself big hugs
Thanks Kelly. I agree, it's nice to have some peace since I am not living with the unpredictability of his behavior, which includes things other than drinking. My apartment is very small, too but I love it! I can deal with it much better than my huge messy house. The house does need a lot of work, just like my husband. Good comparison...and I don't have the time or energy for either one anymore :(
It's usually free for a consultation with a lawyer so I would go see one. That house seems to be a burden on you and keeping you from moving on. Your focus on your AH I know is very hard to let go of because of the years invested but peace comes with letting go completely and working on you.
I had to come to terms with "so what he is in the hospital again, in detox again, drinking again, living in filth, spending money he doesn't have....etc etc etc. I had to tell myself SO WHAT CATHY are you able to fix it...make it go away...NO I had to stop making the pages and pages of wrongs made by the A and start pages and pages of my assets and defects so I can correct my wrongs.
We are all a work in progress and will never graduate but we can be happy while letting go with kindness and letting our HP take over.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Oh Lord, yes. Right down to the unemployment and running through the IRA and keeping me out of my own home even though he was the problem. Hospital bills and rehabs. Crazy times! I invite you to search my old posts and feel free to write here or private message me. We have a lot in common.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
I think most of us (if not all) can relate to the craziness of your situation, maybe haven't gone through the all of it however what you describe fits some of what I have gone through such as denying the drinking and so on.
I'm so sorry for your confusion and loss .. we had the best meeting tonight and the topic was Living Life to the Fullest .. and I would encourage you to read through some of the pages in C2C book .. they really struck home for me .. one of my favorites on Letting Go was on page 99.
Keep coming back it does get better .. I swear getting untangled from an A is hard work and it's exhausting .. you don't have to do anything tonight though and you can get some rest and revisit the topic tomorrow or the next day.
Big hugs and take care of you ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
blessed: Luckily I am in a state that is a community property state. Also, it's a no fault divorce state. I am looking into asking questions about my issues.
My partner is a realtor and said divorce is about all that will cause him to have to agree to sell the house (when a judge orders it). I'd be concerned he will squat there out of spite, laziness, not wanting to work, and his drinking will escalate. The recipe is there. Hugs NG. This too shall pass. Write daily gratitude lists so you don't get overwhelmed by stress. I don't find you negative at all. You describe so much dysfunction on his part that the fact you are still even trying to work on things probably would be seen by many as too optimistic regarding just him and the relationship. But that is really between you and your HP.
