The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I find I'm back in my head again wondering if I made right choices . Feeling like I failed in so many ways . I hate this side of me that allows the negative thinking take over anything positive thought I have going on . I'm going back to step one again . I think it's the hardest step to pass . Why can't I accept a positive out look ? I can right it down in paper but then my head wants to see it all in a negative way . Why can't I accept the change I'm trying to make today , part of my recovery is only I can change me only can control me only I can make my life better , I'm having a huge set back I have my books open and I'm reading them I'm going to only 2 meetings a week I go there feeling weak and hopeless but leave there feeling good and have some hope but then again lose it . I'm sure none of this make any sense and I'm sorry if I'm confusing , I think I' got lost some where on my program , how can I get back to fixing me helping myself get better when I have so many other issues that are in front of me . Trying to find a job trying to get all the assistane I need for me and the kids . Even knowing my ex is out of my way and the alcohol is gone I'm still having a problem living on life's terms . So I'm back to step one . Is this a normal part of recovery for a codependent
Nice to see you back. Perhaps this is more of step 2 or 3 problem. Maybe you need to spend some time talking to HP, and trying to give over your life? Just a thought, I usually seem to get stuck more there because I acknowledge I have no power over alcohol, but giving up my power to HP is more the struggle for me.
Greetings Wisdom,
All makes sense to me my dear! Just coming here to write it out is a sign that you are helping you - so maybe you are not doing as badly as you think
Your post makes perfect sense to me. When I begin to feel conflicted, confused, and down on myself, I first write out all of my feelings, then I work on accepting them without any judgment. Then I do something nice for me, sometimes I put on uplifting music or take a bath. I may sit with a cup of coffee and watch my cats and think of all of what I have to be grateful for. I slow down, breath and look for God in the details of my life. Sometimes I begin to feel better and some times I don't, but it does not matter. I simplify, slow down, take one step at a time and let go of how I think my life should be. (((Hugs)))
Wisdom I am glad that you shared and are attending 2 meetings a week I too have felt lost at times when I began this journey. That was because so much was changing and I was not comfortable with the new changes The old was more familiar--- more painful but familiar.
My sponsor suggested that I start my day by immediately reciting the serenity prayer when I awoke Then I made coffee and read my mediation for the day, made a gratitude list and asset list, choose a slogan that I was going to concentrate on that day . I was then able to keep the program in the front of my mind. When I began to second guess myself I said my slogan or the serenity prayer repeatedly It really worked. Coming here daily , reading sharing and connecting also is a huge boast to your program Give it a try
Wisdom what Betty said about the serenity prayer every morning before getting up was something I started. It's one of the best things I do and Betty turned me onto it. At first I had to sit and really think about those words but in time they became real..
Take care my friend and keep coming back for ESH because it helps so so much.
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I totally understand. I do the same thing. Do you have a sponsor? Or a close friend? Talking it out with someone personally helps me so much. It's so hard for me to have complete confidence in myself.
I had disease and discomfort and bad feelings about myself as a codependent. I don't accept that label as much any more because I worked on it. You can have all the books open and be studying, but if your actions are codependent like mine were, you wont feel happy with yourself. For example, until I knew I could make it on my own and didn't need a relationship to be happy, I just entered each relationship from a state of neediness and then was unhappy again after the novelty of the new relationship wore off. I couldn't be happy alone and it was like I needed a relationship to function. Essentially, as a codependent, I used relationships like booze....to fill up an empty hole that needed addressing through actually staying single a while and working through my fears. The normal part of recovery for a codependent is recognizing this and then going through the painful work of changing your actual behavior.
I'm sorry you're struggling, Wisdom. It does sound like a natural place to be, though not an easy one. I'm there, too, unfortunately. I'm going to try to take the others' advice about the Serenity Prayer and keeping the program in the forefront of my mind. It isn't easy. One day at a time--or, as someone said in the first Al-Anon meeting I went to, "one heartbeat at a time". Sometimes even that feels overwhelming! Hang in there.
