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He was vile towards me and played head games the whole time, a lone traveller asked us if he could join us for breakfast at our table in the hotel, my husband said yes of course mate, which led to the bloke walking about with us during the day, I thought I was just being polite to talk to this man who had been going on these trips for years, and had a wealth of knowledge of where was best to go, it was a bus trip so bumping into any of our group was natural, my husband even welcomed him to have coffee with us and paid the bill a couple of times, I could sense a nasty under tone though when we got back to our room, so I asked my husband have I upset you, he replied don't you know? I said no not really, he said well I am not going to tell you, I said well how can I fix something if I don't know whats wrong.
We had some nice times during the day but I started to feel uneasy about this other bloke and feeling anxious about bumping in to him, my husband was leading me into having to be where this person was and then giving me the cold shoulder, I started to remember all the other holidays where my husband would act like this, it's all so confusing though because during the day in public he was fine with me, but as soon as we got behind closed doors he turned, it was a long bus journey home and 16 hours on a coach, in bed he was wrenching the covers off me and stomping about so I lost it and said what is your problem? He said YOU, YOU took me on a bus trip I didn't enjoy, nothing was right, so I apolagised for paying and taking him on a holiday he didn't enjoy, I said your so ungreatful, he said what was to like?
We went to the middle rhine in Germany, it was butiful, the villages were chocolate box, the weather was great, there were brass bands playing in our village and stalls selling wonderful cakes, it was tiring though but now I am home I feel sick inside I have work in a minute and have barley slept, husband went to work in the early hours, I just want to cry!
Dang I remember those vacation resentments and soooo far from home and my escape options. Disease sucks. Feeling with you on this one. Good you did find nice and beautiful things to occupy your days. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Aw im sorry katie, typical spoilt brat crap you expect from a hormonal teenager. Dont let him ruin your day, its part of his own misery, let him own it. Maybe its time to take trips either alone or with like minded people, like alanoners. The old timers in my group are constantly travelling with each other, having a ball. Chin up pal.x
I had a similar experience with AH in Thailand. Sometimes being in a beautiful place doing things together that you've dreamt of really makes the sulky behaviour stand out a mile. I tried to think about the best bits of my holiday and just leave the tantrums and rudeness on AH's doorstep. Its too much fuel for resentment .
What a bummer. My AH spoils vacations by being constantly drunk and wandering off. I've decided not to take anymore vacations with him. Which is sad but alot more healthy for me.
Katy: Your description of the things you saw was exciting to me. It also popped into my head that maybe that uninvited guest was the way your HP could separate you for at least some of the day from the disease's behaviors? Then I read you felt uneasy around this person after awhile, so maybe not? Regardless, it sounds to me like traveling with your AH is like traveling with a bag of rocks, nails and straight pins. I see that little biker chick and think "I'd like to see that gal enjoy a trip with people who are healthy and enjoyable for her. That little chick needs to be free to enjoy herself on a travel trip she's been looking forward to." (((K))) It helps me to focus on what went well more than I focus on what didn't go well when I think about an experience. I forget to do that at times, but when I remember to do it I can remember all sorts of pleasant things that happened or all sorts of ways I can treat myself again to a similar experience with the benefit of lessons learned on my trips from hell.
Did you take pictures of some of the things you saw? If so, could you show us some of your travels? (((Katy))) I hope you get some rest today.
I am sorry, Katy. I learned after many trips (usually those that involved visiting my husbands family) that I could count on him to go to his dark places and try to dump them on me. So, I either did not go or I had a plan b. There were no agreements beforehand, conversations, nothing that could stop the passive aggressive, pouting behaviors...it was a matter of when, not if things would go sour. So, as long as I participated in the madness, I got what I knew would happen. It sounds harsh, but it is what it is as long as recovery is not embraced.
Aww .. Katy I'm so sorry ..your trip sounded amazing try to hold on the good parts to it's so easy to get caught up in the bad we forget the good too .. hugs ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm sorry Katy, that sounds awful. I know what those tense alone moments are like, and how weird they feel in contrast with the "up" moments (which for me are usually when we're around other people). Alcoholism is a selfish disease and the A often doesn't like any attention on anything but him/her, so focusing on a new place can be threatening, I think, and can make him/her act out. I hope the routine of being home will help you feel a bit better. Hugs.
Good afternoon everybody, I am feeling much better today thankyou, after a good nights rest and all of your lovely comments, when I was driving to work this morning I couldn't help thinking how damn clever this decease is, it still gets me every time, my mind is not wired to hurt anyone or be spiteful, so I am just bewildered when I am caught up in it over and over again, I hadn't been away with my husband for six years and it was just like the drinking years, without the drink, I know I keep expecting an alcoholic to behave differently I keep hoping the wonderful opportunities we get to have would make some difference, often though it makes it worse, I did still love the holiday it was like fairytale land, and on the sunday they shut the roads for a special bike day, well actually people were going past on everything, roller blades mono cycles motorcycles and the Germans are so eligant and dress beutifully, It made me want my bike and to join in, see I usually do these holidays with a friend and get an ear bashing when I come back but I can handle that, I think Jerry hit the nail on the head when he said I was too far away from home and my escape rout, and I had not got a plan b, as I am now I know it is what it is, I doubt it will change ever and I do know I have options to leave, I ask myself why do I stay in something that hurts me so much? why can't I just walk away? I am waiting for hp to really spell it out for me, I even went to church on sunday just to nudge him. There is so much sadness in this relationship, I don't feel loved and cherished I feel anxiety pumping through my veins at time's, and I can't imagine what it would be like to get through a week without any problems, my husband said he was too stressed to go on a holiday and I shouldn't of made him, Lol I never made him, I invited him, he got to decide where we went too, well anyways I am back home now and I will try and get around to posting some pics if I can of the Rhine valley.
Yay!! you're working it...recovering. Keep on it. I love the shares that come after the member does the deeper work...the coming to understand more fully so the next choice is better and has a better consequence. My sponsors would always urge me to do the "deeper work" and to choose the consequence I was looking forward to before making the choice...that sorta kinda sounded like backwards thinking to me which was usual because I had lived on luck for so long making choices without seeing what I wanted clearly and just hoping it would turn out...which it very rarely did. My only problem was me and my only solution HP and the program. Leaving can often times just mean changing the things I can...when I change I'm no longer in the space I was in. I use to think that changing people, places and things in my life would change my life until I heard a member in a meeting say she learned that "where ever she went...that's where "she" was". Recovery is about "me" changing not "she" changing and today...now...I allow my wife absolute respect and dignity for the consequences of her choices. I do supportive stuff...yeppers I do...and I get to choose what and when and if for a good, honest reason most often. She is a good person and able to take care of herself. We love each other and don't need each other....Rocket Science!! ((((hugs))))
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