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I recently left my AH (Almost two weeks ago). The problem is he sends me extremely abusive texts almost all day long. I want to block him from my phone but we have 2 kids (7 and 5 months), and we are currently in the middle of a home construction. We also have another home which he is living in. I have so much that is connected to him...finances etc...I dont know how all that would work if he can't get ahold of me. But..he is seriously driving me insane with really mean and horrible texts.
Also...I am not sure what to do about the kids. There is NO WAY I would leave them with him alone, but I don't feel right keeping him from his kids completely. Do I supervise and risk him going off on me in front of them? Do I find someone else to supervise? I just wish I could avoid him completely but we are too intertwined ugh...
Hi amy, there is a way to protect yourself from his abuse, its called detachment and its a tool I learned in alanon. I did it with my son and he stopped the verbal abuse. It took me a bit of time to get my head round it and some practice but it works wonders. If you go to an alanon meeting you should get a beginners pack with some reading inside, you will also get support from people who really know how you feel and how to make it better, good luck.x
You can set limits, for instance that you will return texts within 24 hours but you can't always (read: will not) return them immediately. Expect him to escalate to get your attention before he accepts it, though. But there's absolutely no reason you have to be at his beck and call 24/7, even if he weren't abusive -- but he is!
Have you consulted a lawyer about how it's all going to work out with the property and home construction, etc.? Presumably you will no longer be involved with that, which should be a great relief.
If he is abusive, someone should supervise visitation -- but not you! Too much danger of him becoming even more abusive rather than less. A good divorce lawyer will know how to proceed with getting this set up. In the instances I have seen, the courts take this very seriously.
I think saving those abusive texts could be valuable evidence in proving that he can be abusive and should not be in sole charge of the children. Save them and find out how to back them up in case your phone is lost or stolen, etc. Your lawyer may also advise you to write down incidents from the past and incidents as you move forward.
Hang in there. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
Respond "Unacceptable. I will ignore nasty texts. Don't communicate with me until you can be civil please." But then you have to stick to that and not deviate no matter what.
The overly confrontational side of me would want to say "This is the reason I left your angry drunk a@@!" I don't suggest that but I would think it :)
I understand all of what you are experiencing in relation to this disease. I agree with the e/s/h that has been shared with you. Nasty texts come out of his skewed look at himself and at life. It used to hurt me because I simply couldn't believe that the person I had lived with and had children with could behave like a crazed hawk seeking prey to attack. When I could accept that yes, indeed-y, I did marry this man and he is behaving like a crazed hawk seeking prey to attack, I found all sorts of ways to separate myself from him. Unfortunately, the courts awarded visitation to him without supervision but in those days, it just wasn't done like it is now. I think Mattie's suggestion is good to have a good divorce attorney who can help you get court demanded supervised visitation if at all possible for you. Al-Anon will help you start applying some salve to those wounds that you've received and it will help you find ways to make changes that are right for you. Hugs and keep coming back.
My ex husband was like that. The only thing for me that works was to not reply to nasty texts or emails. He's looking for any type of reaction he can so don't give it to him. Don't reward bad behaviour. Only respond to civil texts if you can. Good luck I know it is brutal and hard and I cannot imagine what it would be like with 2 kids.
It's so easy to get sucked in. I did it way to many times to count. But over time I learned with boundaries and not responding at all to anything unacceptable. I remember when I first started here and crying in my posts about my son just calling and me not answering. In time I was able to get over it and not answer unless I wanted crap. He could leave a message if anything was really wrong. It was peaceful not to respond without guilt or fear. Messages was easy too .....just deleted before I got mad. It was like counting to 10 before I said anything back. The hurt go's away pretty quickly when you don't continue to read.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I didn't read the other responses .. what I had to start doing is .. I'm contacting you about "xyz" when he tried to go to "abc" I stuck to "xyz" .. if he continued to go to "abc" I let him know if he wouldn't talk only "xyz" then we would not talk until he could. Until he started to get this was a boundary that's what I continued to do .. however .. I finally had to get an OP because he just got flat out crazy.
As far as the children .. it is NOT your responsibility to make sure he has contact with the kids .. honestly in the beginning I used that as an excuse to keep contact. What I will tell you is that it's actually HIS job or again in my state that he needs to provide a phone for your children to keep contact with him. That's on him NOT on you. Now I have always carried our kids on my plan so for me what I did was back out and I feel more comfortable with visitation and so on.
2 years ago you couldn't tell me that visitation would happen and I didn't need to be involved .. mine are 15 and 10. Knowing that the kids have a phone they can call me with if they need to and they have put my mind at peace when they do visitation.
I kept EVERY SINGLE TEXT he's sent over the last 2 1/2 years .. BECAUSE I have used them in court. It shows a pattern of his behavior and how crazy he gets when he can't have his special snowflake ways (Special Snowflake = a person who the rules don't apply to them).
For me that worked and I'm happy about it. There is a GREAT free App I think it's free .. called Mr Number it will send everything to a blank area for you to read later and you have the option to send calls directly to VM and then you can listen to them later and respond when you are in a place of calmness. I LOVE IT. Again .. it keeps everything for record as well.
I always look at every interaction with my STBAX as is this good for my case or bad for it when it comes to me responding to him. It's just how I think. Alanon has played a big part in how I deal with the court system and I'm grateful for the program for giving me the language that I need.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you all for the advice...I have found myself getting sucked back in to the madness. I know that I should just ignore it but I just get so mad. He knows exactly what buttons to push...and like clockwork I'm back in it. He ruined my entire day, and I let him. I feel like I'm the crazy one. You would have to be crazy to keep talking to someone who is so abusive. He constantly brings up my first husband who committed suicide and says things like "no wonder he killed himself" and "go be with your dead husband". He also loves to point out that my father left me and that it was my fault. (My dad was a homeless drug addict and has been missing for 16 years). I know deep down that I deserve better but I think a part of me believes what he is saying. How do I get myself out of the victim role and demand better??? I feel so bad because I gave him all of my energy today and my kids were left with a depressed mom. That is not who I am...I'm happy and I love life...but he is like poison to my joy.
Thanks for the outlet to vent...I already know that I need to set better boundaries...I just slipped into old habits today. Tomorrow is another day...
I know how you feel. When I am verbally abused I usually get mad too. But lately when it happens I just laugh. Try thinking about him as a very sick person. Arguing with a sick person will only make YOU sick. after I argue with my AH on the phone or by text...I just feel so exhausted afterwards and I get upset with myself because it was a big waste of my precious time!! Maybe try to think of ways to spend your time instead of arguing. I know you feel like you need to keep in contact...I felt that way too because of the kids. But trust me...he will find out how to talk to them. Do you need him for child care? If I were you I would block his texts. If he wants to talk to your older child he can call and you can hand the phone to the child and ignore him. I had to put up boundaries about the time of night he calls, etc. when my first husband moved out I used to think it was my job to tell him everything about the kids...their school activities, etc. it was exhausting. I finally decided if he wants to find out something about the kids he will figure it out. He is a big boy. Same with my current AH. He never liked school functions much anyway, so if he wants to go he can find out when things are happening on his own. We are not our husbands' mothers.
Amy, they go for the words that sting the most. I could see it being good and reasonable to cut off all contact with someone that says such vile things. Ignore/block texts. If it's in a needed conversation, "That was hateful it it just reflects poorly on your character. I'm hanging up now." Don't believe the abusive words. He knows your hot buttons.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 7th of July 2014 12:40:49 AM
I practice detachment too. One interesting thing is my AH will regress back to verbal abuse whenever I show the slightest inclination to showing him I care. For example, a simple "what are you doing today" may land me a good text then numerous crazy, out of this world texts a few hours later. Other then detachment, I also learn that I cannot "reconcile" while he is not in recovery. I get so easily suck in it all again.
One thing I find particularly useful is to block him during the evening to early morning hours. I told him not to expect a reply from me then. I also told him to send me an e-mail if he needs to communicate something important during those hours. However, if I even reply to one text at all during those hours, he will continue on and on.
Thank you Newlife girl...you are right. I guess I just feel bad that he isn't a part of the kids lives...but then again he isn't even trying. I think I will take your advice and let him figure it out himself. I also feel like he is just using his calls to my daughter to get at me. I overheard him telling her that I'm crazy. That is really messed up that he would use her like that. I like the idea of setting time limits on calls. Hopefully then he will be soberISH when he talks to her. You are right...I am not his mother :)
Thanks pinkchip...I LOVE that response! I am going to practice using that instead of reacting.
Aloha Amy...Al-Anon is about changing the things we can and we start with ourselves. You said "I allowed him to do it"...that is good knowledge because that is the "you" part that needs to be changed and changing ourselves isn't just so easy and automatic cause we have created habits of behavior that we fall into subconsciously. I had to learn how to live wide awake especially when responding to my alcoholic/addict cause one of the things she and I use to do was "CRAZY'.
I am a former alternatives to violence men's case manager. I am a former behavioral health therapist. You are dealing with violence...violence for now on the mental and emotional level which is most often more harmful than the physical form. Should you cut off contact? If you were a client I would suggest it along with suggesting that he come in to see me just before the police pick him up and keep him for a while. You and I would also discuss a TRO or temporary restraining order which included no phone contact. The disease uses shame and guilt as keys to open us up to abuses. It uses your sense of responsibility to him and for yourself toward not appearing unfair and inappropriate in your dealings. You want to be safe yet have thoughts and feelings which can and do draw you into the range of danger. The language of "go be with your dead husband" is a veiled threat...take it seriously please. Save the text and verbal messages as evidence. Don't hold it over his head or counter threaten him with those as it sounds like he has already lost personal control over what he things and says.
If you are not attending The Al-Anon Family Groups open face to face meetings yet I suggest that you call the hotline from the white pages of your local telephone book and find out where and when we get together in your town and then make arrangements to come as early as you can. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
Thanks Jerry F. You really sound like you understand what I'm feeling. I DO feel a sense of responsibility to him...and at the same time he terrifies me. Every time I hear the phone ring or a text I feel nervous and/or panic. But he hasn't really been physically abusive (maybe a few times in 10 years but I fight back) so I feel like I'm overreacting because its just words. He has turned his anger on my car quite a few times. He smashed my windshield and punched my car and dented it so I called the cops. It was the next day and they said it was too late they wouldn't even talk to him. They basically made me feel stupid like I was wasting their time.
I do plan on finding a live meeting...can I bring a baby?
Often times you can bring the child if it will not disturb the continuity of the meeting and some meetings have child care...you will have to find out with the phone call. If you have a history with this kind of anger understand that rage and anger is a progressive symptom of the disease...Please understand that...fighting back often times will bring in a spirit of competitiveness which is really sick and dangerous in many ways. If it has accelerated to the point of property damage the property is an extension of yourself get away from it. I have been on his side of the disease I am a former perpetrator. From experience, my own...use survival thinking and responses. ((((hugs))))
If there is a Domestic Assault Center or counselor in your area, it might be helpful to you to meet with someone there to go over what has been happening, is happening and what your options might be? Al-Anon can help, of course, but if this is as serious as Jerry believes, then the more help you can get the better. I lived with an abusive husband who moved 2400 miles away from me when my Dad stepped up to the plate to let him know he would no longer plague me as he did. My x's response: "Do you mean I have to put up with your big mouth the rest of my life?" "No, it just means you can't hit me or talk to me again the way you have without my Dad, my bf and my 7 brothers showing up at your apartment with baseball bats." In my x's mind, he was justified for treating me like a punching bag. In my mind, I was always looking for a way to make things better until I could see how his treatment of me could become his treatment of his children as they got older. A good father does not treat the mother as your husband treats you. You aren't going to be able to make things better for him. You can make things better for you and for your children.
I had the same experiences with my ex - he would call and ruin my day all the time - so I got a new cell phone and refused to give him the number, any contact had to be done through a home answering machine, he could leave a message and I would get back to him - he knew he was being recorded and the vile messages stopped. I occasionally got sucked into email fights with him - eventually I figured out that telling him the phone was going off and computer shut down for the evening - that would stop his tirades. The last bit he tried sucking me into a private war of words - private meaning he could verbally abuse me with no witnesses and I would lose because I don't do those well (who wants to?) and I told him that my lawyer would be glad to talk to his lawyer about the issue at hand. He responded with snarky threatening bs and I repeated the same thing, my lawyer would be glad to talk to your lawyer.... prepared to keep that up all day - easier than getting upset over the stuff I know he would throw in, abusive blaming put-downs.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
My alcoholic wife gets combative in texts and phone calls. As much as I tried to reason with her, it's pointless. It's like dealing with a child who is unable to control cravings. The only way that has worked, sadly, is ignoring her calls when she's like that. It embarrass me that she behaves like that but I don't care anymore about embarrassment because her actions and childish behavior are not my fault. I can't fix it. The more I respond the more reaction she tries to get out of me. Before I would feel regret over ignoring her, but ignoring her texts or calls when she acts crazy is the consequence of her behavior.
