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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Struggling with his recovery
Post Info TOPIC: Struggling with his recovery
lorraine


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Struggling with his recovery
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Me and my boyfriend have been together almost two years. We met while we were both in rehab for alcoholism 3 years ago but he went back drinking initally so we didn't begin a relationship until almost a year later when he came back into recovery. Since then things have been good. We had our little spats like any couple but nothing major. I visit him once a week (we have no privacy in my house so it better for me to go to him) and we speak and text every day. The problem I have at the moment is this. my neice is getting christened Saturday and he refuses to come. His reasons were work and his kids to start with but as we talked and I asked him to see if he could get the day off and told him he be back early enough to see his kids he admitted he wasn't prepared to try rearrange these things as he just didn't want to go. he admitted that he being selfish and he had been like that all his life and didn't know if he could change. I know what it like to be in early recovery (he had a slip while we together and been sober one year) and I know he struggles at time (A lot more then I ever did) we had very different drinking patterns so while I understand the emotions he going through he does seem to be finding it a lot harder then me but I think he hasn't totally surrendered to the programme and still tries to do it his way a bit. He has came such a long way in the last year though and I just don't know if he really is a selfish person or if this an aspect of his recovery he still working on. i don't want to force him into situation he really uncomfortable with but on the other hand shouldn't he be prepared to push his boundaries a little to make me happy once in a while? 



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grateful2be


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Hi, Lorraine: I don't have any answers to your questions. I do have a little experience with wanting others to do something they don't want to do to make me happy. It doesn't work. At least it doesn't work for me. I want people I love to want what they want because I've learned if I push for anything other than that, it feels controlling to me. I am a person who likes to see other people's eyes sparkle about doing things they truly want to do and love doing. If that means they don't want to go somewhere with me, then they don't and I'm just glad they're honest with me about. I don't like being pushed to do something I don't want to do and that makes me that much more sure I'm not going to do it. That might be selfish on my part and yet I still choose to be true to myself. I can't want to do something I don't want to do - for me or anybody else. And if I'm pushed to do it, I know I won't change my mind. This is just my experience and others may see it totally different than I do? I just know what works for me and what doesn't in relationship to myself and to others that I love.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Aloha


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Sounds like he has a boundary there and all you can really do is respect that.

As far as pushing boundaries, that's something for him to work out between himself and his sponsor -- it's not your responsibility to push his boundaries.

All you can do is ask yourself good questions like "How important is it?" (And when I ask myself this question, I mean I want to know if I'm going to be thrashing around on my deathbed wishing "if only" because something was THAT important. I have to say for myself that 99.99% of the stuff my head chooses to gnaw on really is not THAT important.)

Does your happiness really depend on his actions?

I know if I put the quality of my happiness into other people's hands its bound for disaster. Real happiness and security is an inside job for me. Let it begin with me.

What might you do to be happy at your niece's christening that doesn't involve having your b/f there?

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hotrod


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Lorraine Congrats on your sobriety Alanon is a fellowship of members who share their lives with al alcoholic. I would urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here that you will find the support you need to understand how to love, yourself, rebuild your self esteem and understand how important it is to have an equal partnership where each persons needs are respected and supported. Keep coming back here as well There is hope



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Mattie


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I have been in a very similar situation.  I remember the saying "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."  I didn't heed it then.  I wish I had. 

Someone in recovery is aiming for something important to them.  They may not get there, but they're trying.

Your boyfriend is trying for longterm sobriety, but he's said straight out that he isn't trying to be less selfish.  The chances that he'll become less selfish without trying are pretty much zero.

If this were only one little thing in a relationship in which he was uniformly giving and kind, my guess is that you wouldn't really mind much.  For one thing, he'd say, "I'm so sorry, but I just can't make it.  I know it's important to you, and I wish I could, but these other things are demanding my time."  And you'd feel loved anyway.  It doesn't sound like that's what's happening.

I put up with it for a long time, second-guessing myself: "Am I feeling bad because I'm just too demanding?"  I was feeling bad because I was with someone who didn't value me very highly.  It wears you down.  It caused me to miss a couple of things that I regret to this day.  I still feel pain about it. 

I guess the important question is: is it painful, or is it okay?  If it's painful, I hope you'll leave yourself open to more generous relationships which aren't painful.  That might involve not holding on to this one.



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Debilyn


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I don't believe anyone makes me happy but me. How I want to feel about things is up to me. We all have a right to be respected for who we are. Maybe he is not comfortable in social situations. I am not either.

I don't believe in shoulds myself either. I believe in accepting each person how they are and loving them for that. If I don't then how can I call myself their friend? I sure want to be accepted how I am.

Am glad you both are finding recovery. That is a huge thing.

Where does this say he is a selfish person? Looks like he is asking you to please love him how he is. I have no expectations of anyone, if they show up great, if they choose to go with me I like that, if not it is ok.

I need more attention from my son. Sometimes I am very hurt. I sure don't tell him, becuz when he finally does call or ask me to do something he sounds good and happy.

My life is so much better if I don't make a big deal out of anything, and if I just plan to do things myself, if someone does want to go or do with me great, if not I am fine.

(c: welcome!

 



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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pinkchip


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This is making me look back on my own sobriety journey:

By 3 years sober, I had made a lot of progress and was ready for a serious committed relationship. (essentially was in a similar spot to you)

By 1 year sober, I was still pretty needy and demanding and hadn't worked through character defects very well.


I think you might be finding you two are on 2 different pages and in some ways you outgrew the relationship because you have progressed beyond him in your program. He might catch up. You might be okay with this. Or...you might get tired of it and move on.

Additionally, you had a whole year of being on your own to build a solid foundation of sobriety. He didn't have that and perhaps it shows in his behaviors.

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Luiza


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I am not very good at social situations and now a days I am very careful with the invitations that I accept.

If I am not happy to go somewhere but decide to go anyway (usually family or friends pressure), I can even kind of conceal my unhappiness whilst I am there but I will sure be feeling pretty unhappy and angry with myself afterwards and this will sure impact my well being and self esteem.

I am getting a lot better with saying 'no' and I try not to make fake excuses. I usually let people know why I am not coming with them to this place or that event, (if they ask anyway) however, this is really hard as people aren't usually prepared to hear and accept other people's truth. I just decided that this is not my problem but theirs. I am committed to be true to myself.

On the other hand, when I am excited about going somewhere or showing up in social situations, I feel I can really give people the best of me and I keep memories of god times shared with old or new friends or only acquaintances that I will probably never see again but that brought something to my life even if it was only a conversation/sharing of experiences.

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