reaching bottom - Al-Anon Family Group

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

reaching bottom

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

That is a good question, el-cee...I don't know. My husband would say that he would not have reached his bottom if I had not told him to leave home. It was in his time, alone, sleeping on the wooden floor of a rental home we owned and being kept awake by noises at night that brought him to surrender. He attributes the noises to God needing to keep him awake to break him down. When he surrendered and reached for help, the noises stopped. He said he reached for help not to get his family reunited, but to reunite him with himself. I know I would not have embraced al anon if it had not been for the pain of watching my youngest son travelling into alcohol abuse...that was a bottom for me.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((El-Cee)))) This is a goodie...a proper question. I was to see other responses. Reaching my bottom was the point where I no longer had any assets available with me to continue moving anywhere...forward or back or any side direction. Simply said I was done and didn't have the will or energy to try. At this point I was fully done and it occurred to me that suicide was the only answer. I of course was wrong. Thank God for being wrong. The bottom there fore was when I let go and let God in spite of others, my spouse, friends, family and more. When I found my sponsor I was told I was going to have to separate myself from all things alcohol. I was too done to argue or resist so I separated from them all blindly and just hooked up as best I could with my HP. I attached myself to my new Al-Anon Family Groups in spite of any other solution. Could I have reached my bottom if I had tried to keep all of "them". I only followed was suggested to me and didn't try anything other than "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God .... (the big book version of surrender in the first 164 pages of the 3rd edition which was always available to the Al-Anon fellowship when I found the doors).

I'm now gonna listen. ((((hugs)))) smile

Mahalo much PP for that share and thank your alcoholic also.

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 30th of June 2014 11:53:27 AM

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Very interesting question, El-cee.

I have been quit about 4 years, my hub still active. I think for me to quit it was just that I got utterly sick and tired of the whole exhausting cycle of addiction that I some how found the strength to quit. Along with many people in my support group, I desperately wanted to be able to drink like a 'normal' person. To moderate. I cannot do this. Once I start, I don't stop.

So my turning point was ACCEPTING that I could not moderate and that the only way forward for me was a complete quit. I went through the physical withdrawals, white knuckled for about a year, then God pointed me towards Al-anon and ACOA which has allowed me to work both on my own alcoholism and to learn to detach from AHs.

I didn't lose my hub or parents, or my home, or suffer financially. The suffering was physical illness and deep deep unhappiness.

I was a daily drinker to black out. My behaviour was appalling. I couldn't see it at the time, my distorted mind blamed my AH. I expect his blamed me! So we enabled each other. If I had carried on drinking I would no doubt have killed myself either via illness or drunk accident.

As time goes on and my brain has healed and I have worked on my defects, it truly feels like I am a different person. I cannot believe the horrendous behaviours I had. Now they seem completely insane, at the time they didn't. It is hard to explain. Absolute madness.

My hub didn't want me to quit. He sabotaged my efforts to quit, I have long since forgiven that and put it down to his fear and protecting his own drinking. Our marriage was very dysfunctional and totally co-dependent.

Now we are two separate people who have a busy and fulfilling life each. As I say, he is still active but it is his business and doesn't affect me.

When I drank I had no life. Quitting was the best thing I ever did.

-- Edited by SunshineGirl on Monday 30th of June 2014 01:27:24 PM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Good question El-cee. I was pretty close to leaving AW. She had gotten a DUI, was generally irresponsible. She hated and loathed herself. She kept making it worse, because she would let down our son constantly - forget to pick him up because passed out. She didn't pick him up on his last day of school in 5th grade. She hated that because we worked very very hard to have him - we had in vitro fertilization.

So when she got her 2nd DUI, she got locked in the county jail for 10 days. I couldn't even visit her without having some strings pulled by a friend, otherwise it would have just been phone calls. She hated herself. In fact, in her 2nd DUI, she wasn't technically trying to kill herself, but she thought that if she died at least she would be out of hell.

After 10 days of being in the suicide watch which, in this jail, meant lights on 24 hours a day, she was given the chance by the courts to go to a 2nd rehab. She decided she would do it. Anything to get the hell out of jail. But when she got there, she just took the attitude of "tell me what I need to do, I will do it". She went to 60 meetings in 30 days. Built a support network and got a great sponsor. Had her attitude re-arranged by the counselors because she was willing to have awareness, grant acceptance, and take action.

She is now 7 months sober. We just sold our house and moved to a new one. Had 10 days of hell moving out of the old one. I had more tantrums than she did during this process (No by too much :) But when she had a problem and needed to back off and deal, she would call her sponsor, call a friend, just stop and sit down and inventory, whatever. She is really an amazing woman, I can't believe we went through 23 years of hell and are now in such a better place.

I realize we are blessed, and I also realize that 7 months sober isn't very long. I know so many people that can't get out of it. Somehow she has had the intestinal fortitude and relationship with HP and good sponsorship that she has gotten out. I don't know why some As lose everything and still never hit bottom, and others find their bottom and recover. If I did, this would be a different world!

So, it does seem possible. But it doesn't seem likely. Like I said, I almost ended it, mostly because I wanted to take our son and give him safety.

Kenny

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Many thanks for your share, Kenny. I have found it very uplifting and inspiring. smile

-- Edited by SunshineGirl on Monday 30th of June 2014 02:20:32 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

el cee in my experience every ones bottom is different.(ok lol that sounds funny!) I don't like the term myself. most think it means they are destitute, starving etc. not always. Some find they can stop and go into recovery becuz their spouse says they will leave, or they get a dui, or are just sick of being sick.

I know my tolerance level for well my nature is I am very layed back i have 9 dogs. six are very little. they go tearing out the door barking off and on does not bug me. teenagers I find so unique and fun, interesting. I love A's very much, i feel their struggle. When i learned it is a disease my feelings changed 100% I see them as very very sad when using to being such strong humble people when they are in recovery

In other words I am not easily bothered. NOW abuse of anyone or anything, I have zero tolerance.'

anyway again we are all different My A has nothing of his own, nothing, yet he still uses. He probably will never quit as he is wet brained so badly. Meaning many are so brain damaged they will not know a bottom. It is a way of life for them. though to us we might says surely now this is bottom!

horrible disease. hugs el c debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I did not have to "lose everything." But I did have to get to a point of being more miserable than ever before. I left my partner to get sober because he drank so much and was an A also so it would have been impossible to get sober (just for me) and be with him. I had just wrecked my car drunk, was probably on the cusp on losing my job. My parents...not yet, but I knew I was probably headed to go beg to live with them back home 1000 miles away if I didn't get into recovery. Hence, what I saw was impending doom. One drunken car crash where I did not get a DUI, but totaled my car was enough to have me see that I was about to lose everything and I was just getting worse and worse. I had dry heaves most mornings, horrible hang overs, was often late to work, never did anything in my life, threatened suicide a lot and was full of drama. I knew I needed to stop drinking for a year or so before I went to AA. I had to try it on my own and fail (even though I stayed dry for 4 months with no meetings)...then it got worse and then I went to AA. Never lost job, always had support of my bio-family, never had legal problems.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My son hasn't lost his family but he has lost everything else. I can pray 2 years in prison will help him see the light. Lets see what happens 2 years from now.

My thoughts are everyone is different and has different bottoms.

((( hugs )))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can remember sitting in a group of people who were in rehab with my son at a mandatory AA meeting that was open. Each person who spoke - and it was a big group - said they had lost everything and had nowhere left to go but into recovery starting with rehab. Whether any of them continued in recovery is unknown to them. None of them said that they owed being in rehab/recovery with the most well known and successful treatment center in our area because their parents or grandparents had been there for them. They all said it was due to running out of options.
Others that I know ended up in recovery because they got caught with drugs and had an underlying alcohol problem and were facing prison time if they didn't agree to a 2-year program that was designed to help them face themselves and deal with their issues. Others I've met in the course of my work who never recovered and had much support around them and died mostly in their mid-40s to early 50s. And still others entered recovery because they were tired of being "left out of life" or in one man's case, sleeping in cars.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.