The Phone Is In My Hand - Al-Anon Family Group

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

The Phone Is In My Hand

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like an awful lot of time and energy focused on him and not on yourself. Hes going to do what hes going to do and you might delay it but you wont stop it. The information usually comes anyway, if hes drinking you will know soon enough. The breathalyser on his car was not his choice In the first place, it gave you peace of mind, maybe its been a crutch for you, it was never an indicator of his commitment to your marriage or his sobriety, maybe you have put too much worth on it. I can understand that. Serenity comes from a different place for me, its a within thing rather than outside. He is an alcoholic and unless there is an obvious, clear committment to being sober and working on recovering, that has been his own choice then I dont think its of much value.

My ex went to aa when he lost the lot and he has had to work on getting it back, well our children back, and he knows that if he chooses to not work it then he will loose it all again, simple logic really. For me, im allergic to that old merrygoround so my recovery is not going to be put at risk by anyone. My marriage is well and truly over, were both doing well, but apart.x

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

WOMFI - I tend to agree with El-Cee on this one ,.. no amount of manipulating, mothering or martyring is going to stop an alcoholic from drinking. I'm glad you called the police .. and yes that one situation did stop him from drinking .. reality is this .. he's always going to be an alcoholic .. if he seeks recovery .. he will be a recovering alcoholic. You can't prevent him from or save him from himself. Alcoholism is a truly baffling, cunning and powerful disease. I get caught in the reacting to the disease and that's the only place of power I can come from. Changing the things I can .. which comes down to my choices.

Are you attending meetings and have a sponsor? Working the steps is truly the only way to know .. why YOU won't make the call.

Hugs S :)

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Thanks for the replies, el-cee and SRU. I understand what you are both saying especially from my post because this week has been all about him but up until this point, I really have done my work and let him do his. Just can't figure out why I'm so afraid to make that legal break.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

For me .. it came to the point of let go or be dragged and God just shoved me off the fence. You will act when it is right for you to. I continued on a hope he was gong to get better until he finally did the deal breaker .. for me that was him cheating. You just haven't gotten there yet. Hugs

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand mine has been dry for 30 years, now in aa last two. His behaviors
Are of a dry drunk. Why do i stay? He can be emotionally abusive, still i ponder
Why i stay? Fear of abandonment? I love him but !!!!!! I put up boundaries, go to
Alanon but life with him is hurtful. Staying is more painful than leaving. Why
Do i stay? Financial is a real biggie, i do not want a marriage of convenience.
I want a life partner to share my life with not someone that does not value me.
This is a very painful journey and yes i know steps ,sponsor and hp.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

That took a lot of strength to follow through on your instincts and calling the police. You've worked a long time on trying to rebuild your part of the relationship. The lying, hiding and removing the system from his car would certainly make me re-think what I want to do, too.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

What it took for me, worn, was coming to a place of absolute faith in my HP that no matter what, I was going to be okay.

That meant even if I didn't have the "stability" of the relationship and shared finances with the alcoholic that I would be okay.

I laugh whenever I think back on how reluctant I was to leave the relationship because it offered some sort of stability to me. Stability is actually NOT the word I would choose to use at this point when it comes to living with an active alcoholic. They're anything BUT stable. But I was certainly familiar with the chaos and it was scary stepping out into something new, for sure.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Where did you take his dog???!!!! The dog didn't do anything!

The A's disease is their own, not any of our business. To have him blow into this thing so you are reassured is demeaning and does zero good.

He has a right to be and do what he chooses or is. Our choice is can we accept them as is or not.

What I see is the disease has made you very, very sick. We all go thru that.

He has a disease that causes him to crave alcohol. He did not choose to be this way. He cannot just stop, does not work that way. Be like telling you to stop drinking water. Analogy being only you couldn't.

When we work on ourselves we stop policing that which we have no control over. It is not necessary to make our A's hate us and feel humiliated by us.

Al Anon teaches us to focus on our own obstacles, work on our lives, leaving the A to do whatever they rightly choose to do.

If we focus on our self, our growth, we no longer get caught up in their disease.

I like playing reversies. How would you like it if he tried to control you and your life? Just becuz he is A does not make it right for anyone to tell him what or what not to do.

I invite you to get to meetings, do you have a sponsor? Until we work our own program nothing changes.

Also the familiar is always hard to leave hon. Facing a new life or taking steps to change our life for the unknown is scarey! Also at one time I am sure you guys were very much in love. I am sure you are frustrated and overwhelmed. The disease makes us crazy at times!

Do the one day at a time. Do what you know you want to do, need to do.I can tell you my life without my husband after he woke up not him from brain surgery and relapsing horribly, is serene. Is still have obstacles, get lonely for my husbands, but would NEVER EVER go back. Things work out. HP is there, and we can take care of ourselves.

hugs! debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Tuesday 1st of July 2014 11:20:50 AM

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

The dog is with me. He only recently took her back with the agreement that he had to be sober to keep her. Alcoholics don't make good pet owners. I learned that the hard way.

I disagree with you about this not being my business. When he chose to stay in his marriage after he sobered up and signed a separation agreement, his sobriety became my business too.

If he finds blowing into a breathalyzer demeaning, well that's just too bad. It's the consequences of his bad behavior and I disagree that it does zero good. It keeps him off the road and stops him from hurting innocent people and stops him from being able to lie to me and his family.

He does have the right to be what he chooses but not if he chooses to be married to me. I can accept to stay with an alcoholic or not but I need the facts and alcoholics lie - breathalyzers don't.

I am very sick but I have worked hard and done very well but this is a definite bump in the road. I may be wrong about my suspicions and I hope I am but I've learned to trust my instinct and act where in the past, I would have fussed, cried, worried and hoped maybe I got through to him but this time, with my al anon training I just told him what I suspected and what I was going to do and I did it. It's between him, God and the police now. Time will tell.

He may not have chosen to be this way but he made many choices over the years to get to the point that he was at. He ignored MANY red flags through the years when he wasn't so far gone and could have reached out for help so he gets no free pass of it's a disease with me.

I'm not policing him. I'm protecting me, my family, my pets and the community and him too in the process. What he chooses to do with that is up to him.

As far as reversies go. There are many things that I would like to do that I don't because my husband wouldn't want me to. That's a marriage. I would like to sleep with every good looking guy that has hit on me over the years but I don't because my husband wouldn't like it and I'm mature enough to care about my family and put their needs before my pleasure which is what he should have been doing all those years when he was sneaking his drinks.

I will continue in al anon.I have learned a lot and grown in strength and I will be okay no matter what I choose to do but I still think I did the right thing.

Oh, and I still you Debilyn! You've helped me a lot during my time here. :)

-- Edited by wornoutmrsfixit on Tuesday 1st of July 2014 06:27:17 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

There is a lot of clarity in your post and strength, too. I sense there is an interior peace as well with this decision that you have made to call the police. Its the what to do next that you're struggling with now? Is that what you're meaning in your first post?

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I hate that saying "It's not my business" even if it's true .. LOL .. it still will rub me wrong from time to time .. I qualify my statement as .. it becomes my business if it affects me financially, physically, mentally or it affects the children.

My STBAX's recovery is his business just as my recovery is MY business .. my STBAX acting out drunk is MY business if it means the safety of myself, children or others.

I will say when my STBAX got his DUI .. I swear that felt sooo personal because it was as if I had one too. I am still on the fence on that one .. if he got one now .. soooo his problem .. while we were together .. it really did affect me and once again the kids because of the cost.

SAME with the cheating .. he took my physical health by continuing to have sex with me unprotected as he's my husband .. I thought he was being faithful at the time .. as soon as that happened sorry that's my business too.

So I do get what you are saying about feeling that some of this crosses over into gray areas .. stay in your hula hoop the best you can.

Hugs S :)

PS - Are you ready to let go completely and let him deal with the consequences of his choices and decisions???

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We have no control over anyone but ourselves. That is why I have learned thru Al Anon that what they do is none of my business. if I don't like it, I can leave or he can.

We never really know what they are doing. We never really know what anyone is doing but ourselves. A's cannot just decide they need to quit. many want to quit very badly, but unless they are truly ready they cannot. It takes more than we will ever realize for an A to go into recovery. Non A's and A's do not think the same. There is no use being frustrated as they in no way understand like we do. Nor do we understand as they do.

All The A feels is someone is bossing him around like a child. A's go thru so many consequences for being A.

Take what you want, leave the rest. I just feel like they have a right to their integrity as anyone else. IF they choose to cheat, then it is up to me to decide if I want to stay or not. But I cannot expect them to change.

I believe in the saying, Let go and Let God. is disease is not my problem. I can do nothing about it anyway.

As far as the demeaning thing, it was not doing the breathalizer, it was that he feels brow beaten becuz he is being policed by his wife.

This is what we mean by detach from our A's disease. Its not ours.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb, the only difference here is her husband has been sober a while (a year? 6 mos?) and has either slipped emotionally or lapsed/relapsed. After a period of recovery, you'd like to think sanity would be restored. Once sober and connected to AA, relapse is more of a choice though. He can now choose to stay away from the first drink just like I do daily. Relapse is not a part of recovery. I have never relapsed and am not planning on it (a day at a time, hp willing).
WOMFI, I get where you are coming from. The breathalyzer thing may be a bit much because, if you lack trust that much, it's already a done deal. As far as illegally removing car devices that are supposed to be left on by the law. Yes, I would call the cops on that. Breathalyzer is a tool for legal purposes and rehab. It is no way to bring trust back into a marriage. Personally, what I am reading is "Too much damage was done and I don't believe in his recovery and it isn't even all about drinking." He just put you through too much and it can't be fixed or reconciled perhaps. Just my take.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I said what I did because it appears to me, regardless of his drinking, you are wanting a level of humility, insight, and sincere amends beyond what he may be currently capable of and THAT will eat at your marriage continuously.

Kelly123 · Veteran Member

I can only speak for myself when I say that sometimes I catch myself thinking. if I do this or if I do that that maybe he will stop drinking. I am afraid of leaving my boyfriend because I feel like if I do leave, he wont clean up or get sober and that it will end between us. It is the last trick in the hat, and if I exhaust that option then there is nothing left to do or try to "fix" it. I feel for you and your situation, I hope you can find some peace because you certainly deserve it.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to a few things you wrote about. I totally agree active A's are NOT good pet owners. When my AH was having a bad week or 2 drinking a lot, the new dog peed all over the floor while he laid passed out on the couch. Guess who got to clean it up? Dogs need sober people taking care of them. I don't blame you for taking the dog. The big picture I see is do you really want to live like this?? Breathalyzers? My AH used to use his breathalyzer before he went to work just to see if it had a reading. You reminded me of some of the dysfunction in my marriage that I forgot about. How crazy is a breathalyzer before work??? If you think you need to use one...you drank too much. Period. He voluntarily bought one on his own. Crazy stuff I put up with...but not now...

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