New and seeking advice - Al-Anon Family Group

CarryOn · Newbie

New and seeking advice

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Compassion is good but he is only going to change when he is ready. If you go out there and do all of those things for him he will take it and run, but I doubt he will follow through with his problems and get help. Take care of you first. Keep us posted on how things are going.

CarryOn · Newbie

Thanks, Jen. It's hard to not do what I can. I CAN acknowledge that the results of whatever I do are not up to me. I'm not God.

karma13 · Senior Member

I would really have to look at my motives for going? Is it him changing? I also have to understand I can't save or fix him, just take care of me. I can tell you I would not encourage anyone to get a pet, knowing that they can barely take care of self.

-- Edited by karma13 on Monday 30th of June 2014 02:04:13 PM

CarryOn · Newbie

He is in a pit, self made for the most part. I am trying to pull together a safety net for him as he has nothing. Since my first post, I've made some headway here at home. I going to do the paper work for a free clinic near him so he doesn't continue to put financial demands on our parents who can't afford to keep him in gas, food, therapy, meds, etc. When I go see him, he and I can turn that in and he can get an appointment. I may be able to go when he has an August appointment with Social Security to lend him some support and encouragement (beat back the panic, etc.). And I am going to get the paperwork going for food assistance so he can access that help. I don't expect him to stop drinking. I anticiapte he will as that is the pattern he's had. The if and when is his choice. I'm doing this in large part to take the pressure off of my 90 yo parents who catch the brunt of his needs and complaints and threats, $$ and otherwise. They have spent the last 18 years trying to help him and fix him and they can't. And they shouldn't, especially at their age. I've had serious hestitations about a cat over the last day. Thanks for the caution there.

karma13 · Senior Member

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I would also be sure I was taking time for myself every day now and while I was there visiting him... a hot bubble bath, a nap, watch a show I wanted to watch, visit a friend, a chapter out of a book.. basically do stuff for myself, so I'm not forgetting myself with him and his life. Prayers, love and Blessings :) I hope you come back and give us a update this is a safe place to share :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear one any time we do for them, we are making the disease have more control. They have to take care of themselves. If he cannot, and we don't help, he may get the strength to ask for help from AA etc. He has to take care of himself. His disease is none of our business.

As far as the parents I would hope they would stop enabling him also.

There is nothing you can do for him. All his disease will do is suck you dry. a horribly sad truth.

OH and please please do not get him a cat or anything, he cannot even take care of himself. Please I am begging you do not do that. They cannot even keep a plant alive! he has the company he wants, alcohol. It's sad but that is their main number one thing in their life. Until they get so sick of being sick they will not stop. if we keep them comfortable we are helping the disease kill them.

Believe me you would be wasting your time. Also he is most likely an addict. They are born with this. It is not something that comes and goes. He is always going to be an addict and what he abuses is alcohol. Even on sober days he is still affected as our bodies need water. His brain is full of alcohol.

I am sorry to have to share these things. Its so hard to learn all this. I hope you keep coming. hugs

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Support what Deb stated. Sounds like you are prepping to be his new enabler instead of your parents. Doing all that work so someone can undo it....not worth my time. His alcoholism is stopping any medical treatment/psychiatric treatment from being effective. He is lonely because of the drinking. You are looking for bandaid solutions to a problem that wont heal with bandaids.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

And people do sometimes get sober in their late 50s and 60s and such when finally their parents aren't around to enable and they have to grow the hell up.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP

I DO see you becoming his new enabler. I did everything I could think of for my son...from getting him jobs to paying his bills. I would go every week and clean up the pig sty he was living in. I would make sure he was clean and fed. I would take him to my house and feed him for a week so he would get better. Getting him out of trouble as much as I can. After the totaled first car I helped him get another ( oh 2 DUI's ). After that he sold it to get a cheaper car and have some money. Went through that. Hospitals, detox, near death, jail and me spending over 80 grand trying to keep him safe. He became sicker and sicker and I couldn't keep up with his alcoholism anymore. Finally the 3rd. DUI and now he's finally safe for the short term......2 years. I was hurt, lost, worried to death.

I had to let him go. I had to let him know what his choices did for him. I had to stop covering up for him. It hurt a lot but I did it.

Take care of you and check your motives before you do anything. Are you enabling or are you helping him.

Prayers for your brother and you....you are not alone.

((( hugs )))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you have a meeting? We all need longterm sources of support when we're dealing with these things. Face-to-face meetings can be wonderful.

One important thing is that often (maybe always) the most helpful thing we can do is not to help. While someone is supporting them, they can coast along. When the reality of their situation hits, that's when they may wake up and start to turn things around.

As I understand, he is not learning-disabled or brain-damaged in the physical sense. So arranging for health care, etc. etc. are all things that are well within his capabilities. It feels good to swoop in and be orderly and set everything straight, but then we're not giving them practice (and pride) in doing it. And if they don't do it -- well, do they really want it done? Or do they just want servants?

I'm glad you're not going to get a cat. My experience of alcoholics and pets is very depressing.

Often our desire to help is not really about turning their lives around. (Only they can do that.) It's more about managing our own anxiety about them. That's where meetings might help you develop the most helpful path.

Hugs.

CarryOn · Newbie

Thanks to each one of you for weighing in on this. I just talked my younger brother out of going to our older brother's rescue (tire blew on his way to town (for wine?) 2 nights ago and had to come back home and no car since). He wanted my yger brother to come help him change the tire because his back was hurting too much. eeeeh. nope. I think he is missing the alcohol and is too messed up to do the job himself. Younger brother is on board. Big Brother has effectively taken the car away from himself. Doesn't God work in mysterious ways?!

I am willing to help the depressed, anxious brother. But not the alcoholic brother that isn't sober. I appreciate all of your comments as they have helped me see the difference and that I have to separate the 2 and turn my back on the alcoholic. He had been taking antabuse for several years under my dad's oversight (yeah, I know, I know). The depression, anxiety, etc. was very real when he was sober. It's still there but until he choses to stop drinking, take the antabuse on his own without oversight, I can't help him or support him with the other issues.

Randolph the rescue cat was such a handsome guy!!! But NO cat.

Thanks again!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My son's in prison now and is not having so much anxiety. Yeah there is depression because where he's at. As time go's on and without alcohol most of the anxiety and depression problems go away and his mind gets clearer is my hope. Give him the time to clear his mind and maybe he will get help.

His complaining all his life about DX'ed with anxiety disorder was a direct result of Alcohol in my book. Doctors nowadays just give them more and more drugs instead of fixing the problems. Yeah they can't really do much unless the alcoholic wants help but the drugs sure do not help. My son had bags full. If no alcohol just pop a few Librium or Valium and whatever SSRI drug he had that week. He also complained of so much pain so he had to have his OXY. How can a man so young have so much pain...well because alcohol causes it. Withdrawal/detox is very painful I'm sure. It was a vicious cycle.

Sorry for the rant but I'm giving you a little of my story. ((( hugs )))

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with Debilyn--please spare a cat any drama.
Animals and babies deserve to not be brought into dicey situations

Good luck!

Temple

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.