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Yesterday, my AH and I went to the beach. Our kids had left for camp earlier in the morning, so it was just the two of us. I've been thinking this time alone would be a good time to address our problems...again...and to tell him I want to end our marriage, and I've been dreading/anticipating the weeks when the boys are away for that reason.
It was a gorgeous day and after some time staring out at the waves we took a long walk along the surf. Finally, we started wading out to a broad sand bar. AH was ahead of me and suddenly he said "Oh no!"his wedding ring, which he'd moved to his pinky so his ring finger could get tan, had slipped off. We tried to look for it, but of course couldn't find it. He was very upset. He loves me, in his way, and blindly believes our marriage is great. (His marriage IS great...he's not married to an A!) After he'd calmed down a little bit, he said "I think this is a good omenafter 20 years, it's time for a new band."
What I wanted to say was, "I think this is sign, tooOur marriage is over, time to let it go, like the ring sinking into the sea."
But, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just didn't say much one way or the other. Didn't reassure him that everything was great or promise to buy a new ring together, didn't come clean about my feelings. Part of the reason for the latter was that we were a couple hours from home and I was worried about how I'd get home if he decided to storm off or something. But of course I didn't say anything at home last night, either.
I feel like such a coward. And, so conflicted. Days like yesterday, when he's in a good mood and not drinking very much at night, are not bad. We have fun together. I wouldn't say I'm happyI feel dead inside, all the time, these daysbut they're not terrible. He's smart and funny and loves me. I fell asleep picturing my sons' faces.
I'm hoping that at some point the time will just feel right to tell him how I'm really feeling. But, I'm afraid I'll never have the courage, that I'll just go on keeping everything on an even keel for everyone else, forever. And feeling like an empty bottle myself.
I lived with those same feelings for many years and they were consuming and destructive for everyone in my household. My daughter, who is now 34, talks about the black cloud hanging around our home. This is what living with addictions will do to us. It was not until I began my recovery through al anon that the black cloud began to lift. Take care of you and let go of the constant question, should I or shouldn't I leave. When you learn to integrate the 12 steps into your life, the answer will come. (((Hug)))
That sounds like a stuck place to be. Have you planned out your steps after your tell him (whenever that is, if you decide to go ahead)? I mean which one of you will leave the house, how you'll support yourself, and all of that? And consulted a lawyer for tips on how to handle the finances and what the legal steps look like? Those things could make it a lot more concrete and less scary.
I told my AH by email. He hates confrontation and I knew if I told him in person we would get into an argument and I'd end up in tears and he'd end up slamming the door and leaving for an unpredictable number of days. I'm sure he preferred the email method too.
I know many people are held back by imagining their children's grief. The way I see it, what children really grieve is that they have a parent who can't act like a parent. That's true whether you're together or separated. I used to yearn for my mother to leave my father. The chaos had become too great for me.
The place you're in doesn't sound fun -- I hope you can get more support. Meetings, a sponsor?
Having a plan can help it seem more real as well you won't be so blindsided .. I always try to remember I'm responsible for what I say .. not how someone else takes it.
I try try try to practice THINK .. usually I make it to THIN .. lol. If I can't get the K .. I try not to say anything it's obviously not the time.
The other thing I do before ANYTHING that I find stressful or fear related is I try and ask God (of my understanding whom I choose to call God) for the words I need for the highest good of all concerned.
There is a saying when in doubt .. don't .. maybe it's not the right time for you yet. Meetings, step work and sponsor really helps me decide what I need to do and it might not be within an hour .. sometimes it just takes time.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I agree w PP that the more you are working on a program for yourself, your life, the steps....the answer will be there. There's a saying here 'when in doubt, don't' and it's a good one to follow. You will know when the time is right and if it isn;t right you will know that also. The feelings you had when that wedding band slipped off--your A saying maybe it was a sign for a new band, you not feeling you could have the conversation and also not being able to reassure him seemed so familiar to me. We get paralyzed and what you wrote about him having a great marriage is so true! Just know you are not alone. Keep coming here, meetings, readings, work a program and things that are murky become clear.
It's funny, one of my mottos through all of this has been, "when in doubt, do nothing", and I've been in doubt for so long. Thing is, I'm really not in doubt now. I'm just afraid of conflict, unhappiness, of being the one who's "fault" everyone's unhappiness is. I've always drifted along with other people's choices and problems and have no experience being the mover in my own life. Another thing I was thinking at the beach yesterday was that the whole ring-falling-off was a sign from my HP, or a movement from my HP. I can't take the ring off my AH's hand, but the HP can...and has. Now it's up to me to keep it off. But can I do it? We're going to a freaking baseball game tonight to pretend to have fun.
Argggh.
Anyway, thanks again for all your good thoughts, encouragement, and "been there's". It helps so much. F2F meeting tomorrow. I can't wait!
Well, my AH stopped wearing his ring back in February when I wouldn't engage in a 'discussion' about us and when I called him out on a lie and walked away from the car. Yet, I am still here and still staying in my dysfunctional marriage. Oh, FYI: You don't have to pretend to have fun and you don't have to go. I struggle with all those kinds of interactions, too, but I've found that the less contact we have, the better it is for me emotionally.
I'm still in doubt, myself, so I can't tell you whether what you're doing is right or wrong because that is between you and your HP. I can only tell you that I understand and am there, just as you are. One thing I've heard in program is that if you just keep working it, keep doing the next right thing, etc the answers will come so that is what I am doing. I am literally throwing myself into program for the next 6 months and then I will see where my head and my heart are at. I think I've been too laid back about program up until now and I think it's the only thing that will save me from myself at this point. Have a great meeting tomorrow, I have a meeting tonight!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
The A will always try to hand the guilt to you -- for his drinking, for his lying, for his meanness, for anything he does that's inadvisable. That's the whole syndrome of alcoholism: ducking out from under accountability. So we can't wait until they agree it's not our fault -- they will always try to make it our fault. That doesn't mean it IS our fault. His drinking has caused misery and emotional damage and ultimately, perhaps, a separated family but that's on his doorstep, not yours. It may even be that handing him back his guilt and letting him feel the full effects is a positive step in him hitting his bottom and deciding to go for recovery. We can't make them do that. But they never do that if they think their drinking is hunky-dory with everybody and a great thing in their lives. We tell them it isn't until we're blue in the face, but if their experience of drinking is that they can have their drinking and everything else too (false as that idea is), it all seems to be working for them. They have to see what the effects are before they can begin to understand.
All the recovered alcoholics I know say "People put up with me for way too long." I remember that when I've been tempted to give my A a pass.
I'm just afraid of conflict, unhappiness, of being the one who's "fault" everyone's unhappiness is.
you may be ripping off a bandaid and causing short-term pain by carrying forward with your plan, but in the long run you very well may be making many lives better. Like Paula, I lived for years with depression and hopelessness in my dealings with my family due somewhat to my wife's alcoholism, but mostly due to my inaction. I was a grumpy, nasty person. When AW got in recovery, I stayed nasty until I finally figured out some of the causes of my nastiness, and by the time the external cause ( having an AW) was gone, I finally figured out the rest was internal and I had to work on me.
If wife would have stayed alcoholic then I would have left once I had enough Al Anon, I am quite sure, because Al Anon was the place where I rediscovered that I am an adult and I have choices, and that I also have many responsibilities, including the responsibility to my son to have a nurturing home.
From my experience...I finally, at some moment in time had to reconcile with myself that those golden moments were few and far between...that no matter how long I held hope and wanted things to be different, they weren't going to be. That if I asked for the divorce today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year it was not going to matter. It was going to suck.
As far as his family is concerned, I am the "angry ex-wife" and he's just fine. I just don't care anymore. They can stay sick and use me as a scapegoat for the "fault" and unhappiness I've caused but, I've moved on to healthier and happier! I know from all the other people in my life - including an awesome therapist, that I am not the crazymaker and I am angry on occasion at the nonsense I have to deal with but overall I am okay.
Our daughter misses her dad but not the chaos so I suppose when you look at that - it makes it easier too. She's never once said to me that she wished we stayed married. She's healthier, happier and lighter...and I've had a TON of people approach me (especially at school events) and say that.
So, that's a really quick summation of how it's ended for me...but getting there? Oh, making that decision and following through with it was tough. I am glad I had a therapist, Al-Anon, and this group online. It was all very helpful for me. It took me a long time - 3 years...but I finally did it. When you are ready, you will too.
Edit: Spelling
-- Edited by abbyalana on Monday 30th of June 2014 02:19:44 PM
-- Edited by abbyalana on Monday 30th of June 2014 02:20:31 PM
I so needed to read this today - last week decided it was time to take the step and separate was feeling strong and relieved at the decision and the events leading up to it helped make it clear. Met with my counselor and since I was going to be gone for long weekend decided to wait to talk until I got back as I didn't know how he'd react and he'd have the kids around (grandparents were there he was not alone with them). Well now am so doubting myself and disgusted with me for not being strong - all of the above responses are so right on and have to remember the good times are few, and no matter when it is going to be hard and I will be blamed by AH, our son, and likely the in laws . So no ESH NL but know you aren't alone!
Just wanted to tell you that your story of the wedding band was so similar to something that happened to me. I had been praying for guidance or a sign about whether or not to stay in this marriage as things were heading downhill. At the time, I didn't realize just how much alcohol was a factor in that. Long story short, I had a family ring that included my birthstone as well as my husband's and children's. My husband's fell out of the setting during this time. I convinced myself it was a coincidence but looking back with 20/20 vision, I wonder. ?? It's not easy. Glad you're here but sorry you need to be.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
It's a funny old world - the diamond fell out of my engagement ring when AH and I were at our lowest point. I walked around our building site with my head down and looking for it for months. The builders had just been laying a concrete floor so I finally assumed it was buried under our living room! One day, six months later, I found it underneath a chainsaw in the mud in one of the stables. That was a lucky find!
As to the rest, I understand how difficult it is. For me the fear of the unknown is a bit intimidating. So strange, because I thought that I was braver than that! You know when a kitten is getting ready to pounce and it does that funny little shimmy dance with its back legs, as though it is plucking up courage and taking aim and not really sure if this is the moment jump? That's me! I've been doing it for sometime now!! I'm trusting to the fates and listening to my feelings more these days.
Thanks everyone for your support and commiseration. It's awful to hear so many people have been or currently are in the same place, but at the same time it helps. It makes me feel a bit less nuts, and a bit less of a coward. I'm trying to remind myself that even though I want resolution now, there really isn't any rush. When it's right, it will be right. Or, maybe it won't be and that's okay, too. Maybe I'm supposed to learn that I can't control this, or, really, anything.
NL, .. I had to really accept many different things through my experience ... one was I was never going to say the right thing, do the right thing to make him see the light. I think someone else has shared that as well. I thought if he had one more crisis that would change our relationship .. and I kind of have discovered I thrived on him needing me because if he needs me I don't have to make a decision one way or another after all .. who leaves someone who has a disease .. I had a lot of guilt over that statement. After all I took vows .. for me I had to decide at what point the vows and my health came first .. for me again .. it was the cheating .. that's just a deal breaker for me in any relationship .. cheat .. betray .. I'm done fully and completely. So I kept hanging on to false hope in my case .. he would get sober sort of for moments .. not consistently over long term.
I also rewrote much of our relationship in my head because I wanted it to fit what everyone else believed it was .. when I think about in reality .. I wanted the dream I had envisioned I really didn't want him. I sat down and wrote out a list of pros and cons about what was going on and I could only find one thing at the time on my good list .. being the father of our kids isn't one of them .. oi .. that is so not one of them because he may be a bio father .. he is not a true father. It's probably going to take me a LONG time to come up with more and it just is what it is .. and there are things I still find out now that I just shake my head and think WOW .. I don't even know what to say. Right now .. I don't even have one thing on my pro list .. and again .. it's going to take time and distance .. now interestingly enough there are attributes my children have that I love and they are his .. he didn't exhibit those with me. So there are things he has given to the children that I love. I don't know ..
In the beginning too I was afraid he would find someone else and be better than he was with me and that really bugged me .. how crazy is that? I stayed with him so he wouldn't get better with someone else .. LOL .. if he does or not .. it is what it is .. I guess I'm really ready to just let go and move on with my life.
Anyway, these are just some of the things I struggled with in the beginning and as stated before .. you will know when you know and it will be for the reasons that resonate with you.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am wondering if I am the only one who thought that his idea to put the ring on his pinky finger sounds odd and possibly manipulative. Wanted to get a tan on his ring finger?? But he would have put the ring right back on the tan finger. I don't get it. maybe he sensed you were going to tell him something he didn't want to hear so he purposely lost the ring so you would feel bad?? Just sounds fishy to me.
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Wednesday 2nd of July 2014 09:34:38 AM
