The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. This is my first time here, and I am not even sure where to start. I have been with my husband for 10 years. When we met, I had just lost my husband to suicide. I felt lonely and abandoned and he made me feel loved. We started dating, and very soon I began drinking very heavily with him (He was/is a bartender). We had a lot of fun, but the consequences of our drinking became apparent...at least to me. After two years together I got pregnant with our first daughter. At this point I decided that I didn't want that lifestyle around my child...but my husband did not feel the same way. I spent the next 6 years on autopilot. He drank pretty much all day, every day. He often became abusive and made our home very unsettling. I must have left him 100 times but I always caved and went home. I didn't have the support or the strength to be a single mom. I also have issues because my father was a drug addict and I guess I have this subconscious need to fix the men in my life.
A year and a half ago we had our second daughter. When she was 5 weeks old she passed away in my husbands arms while I was at work. This was a total devastation to our family...and it sent my husband into a tailspin. His drinking became more frequent and his outbursts more destructive. just 6 months after our daughter died I found out I was pregnant again. Again...this news sent him into an epic tailspin. He smashed my windshield and our kitchen window. He went on a 3 week binge and I had to take my daughter and live in a motel. My pregnancy had some serious complications, so I felt that I had no option but to go home. Things were okay for awhile...still drinking but manageable. We had our son in January, but the joy soon turned back to the usual stuff. He has been drinking almost 24/7 and just recently lost his bar tending job due to a fight with the manager. That just sent him back to his old ways. He has become extremely abusive and destructive. He creates so much havoc and noise that I am afraid cps might come and take my kids. The neighbors are always watching and I just feel like it's going to end badly. I left a week ago and rented a place an hour away. I told him that I won't come home unless he gets help...but all he does is yell at me...deny that he has a drinking problem...and blame me for EVERYTHING. I am struggling now with what to do. One minute I am planning his intervention, and the next I minute I just want out. I don't want my kids to grow up without their father like I did...but I also don't want them to see this madness anymore.
I have asked his family for help 1000 times but they are the biggest enablers I have ever met. They either blame me, or are just too afraid to confront him.
Sorry for such a long post...I am just lost as to what to do next. I feel like a refugee hiding out. He still calls me and texts me in a very abusive way so I wonder if an intervention will just make things worse. I love my husband and I want this nightmare to be over. When he isn't drinking he is the nicest person you will ever meet...I just want that guy to be there all the time. Is that even possible? Am I in denial thinking that there is any hope?
Im sorry you are going through this and I understand how you feel. I think you did the right thing getting you and your kids to safety, he sounds manic and dangerous. Well done, that took strength and courage. The next thing I would do is find my nearest alanon meeting, you will get understanding, a recovery program for yourself and hope. I learned that alcoholism is a family disease that affects everyone. It affected me because I became obsessed with my husband and his drinking, I was angry, bitter and resentful, I neglected the needs of my children and didnt protect them from the consequences of the disease. They were damaged through alcoholism. You are right when you say that it will end badly and things get worse and worse. Thats the nature of the disease, its progressive.
Your husband is a grown man, you cant save him, you can save your kids and yourself, that is what you have done by leaving, the fight now is your own mind, that will tell you that things werent that bad, I love him, he needs me, the kids love him, they need him, hes loving deep down, its a shame for him, the kids need a father etc. These are all the thoughts and beliefs that kept me in it for almost 20 years and it was all excuses that stopped me doing the right thing which was put m y kids first above everything and everyone else. Glad you are here, I hope you get recovery for yourself, otherwise nothing changes.x
(((((Amy))))) and welcome to MIP.
You've been through a lot and it doesn't sound as if you've had much support, that must have been very difficult.
If you can get to face to face meetings it will put you in touch with people who understand your situation better than you can imagine. I've also found that reading the MIP pages here has helped me as well - so many good and loving people around. You'll discover that you don't have to carry on facing this situation on your own
Alcoholism is ghastly and it seizes the people we love. You clearly love your husband and you've done the very best thing for him. It is also the best thing for you and your children. In a way it is a bit like being a refugee but you've found a new and peaceful place for yourself and your children so what steps can you take to make this a comfortable place for a while? Elcee is right (she often is!!) your husband is a grown man and can look after himself. You've already found out that you can't make him stop drinking by staying. Give it a bit of time, make yourself comfortable, and see what happens. You don't have to do everything immediately. Sending ((((hugs)))) to you and your children.
There is always hope, but you are describing someone who is both violent and an alcoholic. For those reasons, I would say it's safer to watch his recovery from a safe distance. He is more likely to recover without you right there. As is, he can't take the pressure of any normal day stuff so, just add the HUGE IF...IF he was going to start going to meetings and really working at AA, he still would not be able to handle ordinary life stressors for quite a while and then I think you would see he has the capacity to not be so nice sober also.
Currently, you are seeing him in "grooming/apology" mode when sober. That doesn't mean he's the nicest person sober. That just means he's manipulative and talking you into staying so he can drink and not change during those periods. That is what alcoholics and violent domestic abusers do. They turn it on so thick after an incident, that you stay stuck in it because you crave the intimacy, want to make up, and they have worn you down over time.
I would encourage lots of alanon, even if it's just online or if you have to bring your young children with you. When you talk about "hope" you seem to only recognize it in terms of hope for the marriage and not hope for yourself and your ability to make it in life with or without him. I have hope for you because you reached out here. Hope for him? Not much at the moment. I have hope for people seeking help not violent people who blame, make excuses, and refuse help.
(((Amy)) I am so very sorry to read of the loss of your precious daughter and the grief your family is living with. The loss of a child, is the most painful loss of all and I know you and hubby are grieving this loss in your own way,
As has been suggested, alanon face to face meeting, will support you during this time and help to break the isolation, and give you new tools to live by and a place to learn how to use them.
When I lost my son, I also found a chapter of Compassionate Friends in my community and attended their meetings as well. You and your husband could check this out, as they did help me to process the grief of such a tremendous loss.
Both Alanon and Compassionate friends telephone numbers are listed in the white pages. I urge you to call and keep coming back here as well. There is hope and help, You are not alone .
Thank you all for your advice. I guess I didn't realize how much energy I was wasting on him...and keeping from myself and my kids. I will take the advice of the consensus and seek out help for myself, as well as make a safe home for me and my kids. It is hard to accept, as it feels like I am a failure, but your personal insight helps me to see that it is out of my control.
Im sorry you are going through this and I understand how you feel. I think you did the right thing getting you and your kids to safety, he sounds manic and dangerous. Well done, that took strength and courage. The next thing I would do is find my nearest alanon meeting, you will get understanding, a recovery program for yourself and hope. I learned that alcoholism is a family disease that affects everyone. It affected me because I became obsessed with my husband and his drinking, I was angry, bitter and resentful, I neglected the needs of my children and didnt protect them from the consequences of the disease. They were damaged through alcoholism. You are right when you say that it will end badly and things get worse and worse. Thats the nature of the disease, its progressive.
Your husband is a grown man, you cant save him, you can save your kids and yourself, that is what you have done by leaving, the fight now is your own mind, that will tell you that things werent that bad, I love him, he needs me, the kids love him, they need him, hes loving deep down, its a shame for him, the kids need a father etc. These are all the thoughts and beliefs that kept me in it for almost 20 years and it was all excuses that stopped me doing the right thing which was put m y kids first above everything and everyone else. Glad you are here, I hope you get recovery for yourself, otherwise nothing changes.x
What great advice. I can apply this advice to my own life.
In my experience those thoughts racing through your mind are just a by product of the craziness of alcoholism. My advice to you would be if you are not sure what to do, do nothing. Wait. Pray. Ask God what to do.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. From my perspective you are showing your kids that it is not ok to behave that way. I am on my second alcoholic who I recently just had a baby with. I feel for you , it sounds like you are really holding it together as best you can.
Amy: I lived with a violent and sadistic man who was also cross-addicted to alcohol and drugs. For whatever reasons he had, he hated women. Something I didn't know at the time. He wanted me to have an abortion with both my children soon after I conceived them and he denied that they were his - something they don't know and won't know from my lips. What I know from that experience is this: An intervention would have done nothing but delayed the amount of time it took me to get away from him and stay away from him. I had a part-time job at the time that paid $4.50 an hour and bills incurred by both my x and me to include the mortgage, our car and whatever else we charged back then. My daughter was 18 months and my son was 3. Deep down, I knew that I would make it without him but I wouldn't make it with him. I tried a trial separation at first and after only a few months away from him, I knew that divorce was the only way I could free us both. He wanted to party. I wanted peace for both me and my kids. My life after him was no cakewalk and it took an intervention on the part of my father that my x heard that had nothing to do with him changing and everything to do with him never laying a hand on me again. My x then moved 2400 miles away and he did it because he wanted to live where he chose to go and he wanted to escape any consequences that his violent behavior towards me might bring him.
I can't give you advice and yet I can tell you that I did make it and I did it thanks to the intervention of my HP who guided me through the financial difficulties, the healing, the growing I needed to do. My son is an active A. My daughter graduated cum laude while raising her son who is in high school and a very good student and a good person. Both of my kids asked me when they got to be teens how in the world we both ended up together when we were both so different. Both were glad I divorced him. They have issues and those issues have to do with the effects of being raised in a home with alcoholism and violence. Yet both have enjoyed life in many ways, too. I am proud of my daughter and her choices. I am sad for my son who made other choices.
What I am happy about is that I learned to focus on myself and my HP and stopped trying to change my x. He wasn't going to change. He was happy with himself and the way he behaved and the things he did. This changed when he was close to 50 years old and by then a grandfather to our only grandchild. A few years before he died, he held me in his arms as he sobbed at an airport while my daughter and I and my grandson waited for our flight home after visiting my son. By then, he knew what he needed to know - not from me - but from his own HP and life's lessons.
I don't know anything about your HP, but mine didn't want me and my children living with a man who was so sick and getting and staying sick ourselves. I listened to that deeper part of myself that said I would never be alone. I took risks that were calculated and necessary for my survival and that of my children and began to thrive. My x died. I can't say that was his choice. I can say that my staying with him or staging an intervention would not have resulted in anything I wanted. I recognized I needed help for me and got it.
I'm glad you've moved yourself away from an abusive situation. I'm glad you're here. Al-Anon can help you hang tough, focus on what is in your best interest and your children's, and learn to trust your x has his own HP and he can make changes if he chooses on his own. (((A)))
